LDS Loose End

I found a Loose End in LDS doctrine today while I slept.  Heavenly Father is said to be able to have spirit children forever.  

But what about the spirit chuildren born after the war in heaven, when do they get a chance to choose a side?

There is a teaching of Joseph Smith that Jesus will return and declare the work finished, meaning that the judgement of mankind will begin.  WHat about the spirit children born to Heavenly father after this declaration.

Will these spirits get bodies?   Will these spirits share in the atonement of Jesus Christ?  

Will the atonement be automatically applied like it is for thise who died before eight years old?  IF so, doesn't that limit the number of Heavenly Father's children who will become Gods?

Or does Heavenly Father not give birth to spirit children forever, but instead stops at some point.

This isn't important, it is just a loose end.   I find it interesting that there is a looose end. 

weakness and health

Since my last episode of FLash Pulmonary Edema, my strength was gone and is slowly coming back.   Each day is a small improvement.  It is scary to drive.

My doctor says it is the multiple changes made to my drugs that are causing this.  I think the main thing is dehydration.  I pee out large amounts multiple times a day, much more than I take in. 

My legs were carrying a lot of water, and there is some still there.  But I do see a difference.   Most of the edma is in my legs, so the dehydration makes my legs weak, like taking air out of a balloon which has stretched.   THe balloon seems limp afterward, and so I limp on both legs (that's a joke for those who can't read me).

Rest and voices

IT is beginning again already.  I am having trouble sleeping because of work.  But there is something new.   I hear things that aren't there when I awaken at night.   It is hard to describe.

My cales are swollen with fluid, very tight and uncomfortable.

I hope the technician calls me tomorrow.

I awake every night in the mid AM

I now know why I wake up in the AM each night.   It is fear.   The last 2 times I went to the hospital, I had gurgling in my lungs.   I am waking up to do a gurgling check.

Raindrops

Raindrops is the name of a game in luminosity.com. I do OK in the game, but have difficulty with something surprising.   It presents me with simple math problems: addidion, subtraction, multiplication and division.   The problem is - I mis-read the symbol. that tells you which to do.  I misread the -  for +.  and I misread the x for +. 

Maybe I just like the + better than the others

3D Printing

I am wearing a TENS unit again.  It helps when I can't take the stronger pain meds.

3D Printing is not the answer.  It has the worst carbon footprint.  The Grid caNNOT MEET THE DEMAND THAT THERE WILL BE IF EVERYONE HAD ONE. 

REmedy

Using Melotonin & Sleepytime Celestial Seasonings tea (Chamomile), I was able to fall asleep pretty fast and stayed asleep.  I woke up with a fast mind and very slow fingers

Eh!

I had trouble again last night falling asleep.  I went to bed at 2 AM.  I woke up in the middle of the night to find my body was very tense.   I willed it to relax, and I wne t limp and fell back into a deep sleep.

I purchased some night time herbal tea, and some melatonin to help with this.

It is a light rain today.

I shopped at target, and the bathrooms were closed for cleaning.  I had to go, and it got very bad by the time I got home.  No toilet is big enough for me to sit and do both.  So to urinate, I stand up and fase the toilet.  My tummy gets in the way so I can;t see the stream.  So I lean forward and put my hands on the wall, so I won't drip on myself.   In this position, I lost control and went both at the same time.  I am still angry about this, and haven't cleaned up my clothes.  They lie in a heap in the bathroom.

I have discovered BrainHQ, which is better than luminosity.   That is why there are so many ads for luminosity, because now they have compettition.   I think BrainHQ will buy Luminosity within 5 years

Worm in the Hand

WOrm in the hand is a game or toy, like Jack in teh Box.

I wear leather gloves when doing rough play with my dog.   We invented a new game today.   I stick my thumb (the worm) into my fist.   I pull it back out and wiggle it, then hide it again in the fist.  I watch Shou Shou's tail to know when she is building enough excitement to let her catch the worm.

It is great fun.

Another Sleepless Night

It is 1:30 AM, and I still can't sleep.   Blood sugar is 173, high, but not so high as to keep me awake.    I have no idea.  I have recently discovered that I have become impotent - even drugs did not help there.   SO, it could be worry or just sadness about a loss of part of my identity. 

THe logic of Lilith

I learned about Lilith yesterday.   She was supposedly Adam's first wife,  The source of this information is ancient Jewish Myths.

It is recorded that Eve was created from Adam's Rib.  Why wasn't Eve created from the dust of the earth, like Adam?  Hence came the concept of Lilith, being made from the dust of the earth.   So to match recorded scripture, Adam & Lilith had to become separated and have no children.

TO explain the separation of Adam & Lilith, it was conjectured that she rebelled against Adam, and wanted to be considered Equal to him.  When that didn't happen, she  rebelled.  When Eve was created, Lilith became jealous, and vowed to kill all babies.  So three angels were dispatched to control Lilith.

Since Lilith did not partake of the forbidden fruit, she still lives, and is sequestered by the 3 angels.

The bases of all this musiings was to excuse the subjegation of women by men, especially in marriage.  A Devil's doctrine, invented by man for the purposes for men. 

IMHO, the part about ADam's Rib was inserterd into a text by a non-prophet.  Brigham Young makes it very clear that Adam & Eve had belly buttons

Watch behind my ears

I am jsut recording this for future generations.
The ridge in the skull behind my ears is really swollen.
There is something under the skin, that is flexible, and really sore.
I massage it, but it does not go away

RObots and new shoes

I have a NEato robot, meaning the Neato vacuum.   Shou Shou normally barks at it.  Today, when the robot got in the way of Shou Shou's food, she got vicious - ROOOOAR, rar rar rar rar

I bought new shoes because my feet were really swollen.   They are made of lycra, and have a velcro strap.   I got a foot massage today.   Using the velcro strap as a guide, I can tell that the circumference of the arch of my foot is 2 INCHES SMALLER after the massage.    Dang!

I can't go back to my old job

My therapist suggested that I make a timeline of events that led up to the suicide attept.  I worked on it for an hour, and had to stop.   It affects me too badly.   From this experience, I know for certain that I cannot return to my old job.   I thought I could do it for a little while, but I can't.

I finally got some money.   I will save it for the move back to CA.  I will live on as little as possible.

David Copperfield opened my mind

David Copperfield hosted a video for National Geographic called Brain Games.  One of the exercises was to simultaneously count what yiou head while counting what you saw.

I was able to get close to the real two values.

WHat I find interesting is that in order to COUNT the auditory, I translated it to text, and then scanned the text.   ThaT IS HOW i REMEMBERED THE AUDITORY, WHICH i counted AFTER counting the visual in real time.   I would stop visual monitoring and scan the auditory text.  No wonder it was hard

Just realized I have cut back on pain pills

I Just realized I have cut back on pain pills.   This may have been the reaon I was able to defecate so soon.   I woke up from a sound sleep with joint pain in 3 limbs.   Took some of the meds, waiting to go back to sleep.   Neeed rest, today is day I go to the gym

FINallly, I can go in peace 8*)

It has only been 2 days since the last one, and I had a bowel movement.   feces was soft.   I finally am eating enough fiber.  FOr my body, take the recommended amount of fiber, and multiply it by three.   That's how much it takes.   I eat fiber all day long, like an elephant.

Brain is stuck on fast

I decided to read the ROok of Mormon today using CD ROMS to listen to the words while looking at them.

I have an app that wil play MP3 files are 2X speed, but keep the pitch of the sound the same.  I read all of first Nephi in one hour.

BUT now I cannot sleep.   The brain willl not slow down, even with the hemi-sync music.  I will keep trying

CLOSER TO A SOLUTION

Last weekend, it took 2 days to got to defecate.   The buildup of pressure is due tothe pain increase as the feces nears the exit.  The damage to my lumbar can feel this pressure.  Sadly, I cannot feel it until it is a lot of pressure.   So I only can feel it once it is bad.

I have tried forcing the feces out with pills that cause gas, but the gas just seeps around the feces.

It took me several hours to prepare.  I took pain meds all day, timeing the intervals, while trying often to get some of it out.   Finally I found a new show on netflix that distracted me enough that my anus relaxed, and I was Able to force it out. 

I grabbed the handles to the support frame I have over my toilet that I got when I had my hips replaced, and gritted my teeth, stood up sliglhtly, and tighened with all I had in me.

I yelled this time, but did nto scream like last time. There was no blood this time.

Twice now, it clogs my toilet completely, and requires a plumber.

THe feces isn't hard. It is pliable. Thye problem is that there is so much, and it is sticky. The consistency is a bit firmer than potter's clay.

 I put on protective gloves, and only put a little of the feces in the toilet bowl.  I broke it up into pieces.  It broke naturally into plushy spheres in one inch diameter.  I only put 5 in, and it plugged the toilet comletey.

I had 3 times as much feces left over toget rid off.   I out it in a bucket, and ran hot water over it.  I massaged the feces, and it slowly leeched into the water.  IT took 2 hours to complete this task and clean up.

I am going to add much more stool softener to my water supply.
And I am going to ask for more cortisone shots in the tail bone, so the pain won't be so bad, and the pressure won't build up so much.

It has been a few hours since I defacated, and my lumbar is still stinging.

Waking up once a night

I have been waking upo once a night for two weeks, maybe longer.
I think the reason I am wakingup is because of my dreams.
It was for sure my dream I had tonight.

In the dream:

Karen and I were stll married, and something happened.
There were three alien androids that I was part of a team to protect them.
One of them got real sick.
THere was some kind of drama.

When I got home, the extended family was there.
There were a lot of Browns there.
MOm & Dad Brown were silent,  but all the other Browns were mad at me, even ym nieces and nephews.
It was so bad, I wanted to leave.   Karen was clinging to me, pleading that I do not leave her.

So I spent the night.  THe bad feelings started in early morning.
My kids remained nuetral and quiet.

I made Karen come with me as I left, and said:
"IF we come back, we come back together".

THat is when I woke up.

I think I meet the criteria for "vivid dreams" now as a side effect of medicatiion

Larry

1 AM ring ering ring

I get these calls every most night,   They don;t ring long enough to be ansered.  I think my mind is making this up, so I will get up.

Larry's Horrible, no good, very bad day

Yesterday my SDI case went into review.   FoR some reason, I expected the decision to happen yesterday.  I am realy down today.

I almost tripped over my cane, my movements are so slow.

Both my thearpist are niot available the rest of the next 7 days, and I got a rejestion from FMLA because SDI was denied.   Which means my job is not protected now.

Time to get a lawyer

____________________________
I felt better as soon as I met Bill in W101 and oplayed for 3 hours.   The depression lifted.   A shot of victoza also undid the bad effects of the baked goods I ate today for comfort.

Weird Weather

IT was cloudy, then rain came down in buckets for 2 hours.   Now there is not a hint of rain

It is strange when it gets cold.  The upper half of my body needs a coat, the bottom half doesn't feel the cold, just a little stinging

False BLiss

Over the years, I have experienced what I thought was bliss several times.   I experienced True bliss only a few times, but now I can tell the difference.

True bliss was attained through meditation for a long period.   THe first time I attained true bliss was after 90 minutes of silent mantra in a prayer closet.   I had a key to t eh Church house, and was using the sacament preparation room.

False blisss has to do with partial asphyxiation.  Something in my throat causes me to snore.   I can feel a flap of flesh in my throat vibrating when I snore.    As a young teen, my shoulders really began to grow.   A pillow has always made me feel choked.   THe flap of flesh would seal of my throat when I used a pillow.

THe nasal congestioin did not help this situation either.

SO,  when I wake up feeling bliss, I noticed that one or both of my hands were behind my neck, forcing me into a position where I could breathe, but the airway was constricted.   THe bliss was due to the asphyxsiation.

I have seen on TV shows how people use asphyxiation to achive a higher high, such as when they have sexual relations.  THis is false bliss.  Even false bliss feels really good, and you don't want it to stop.

Today, I woke up early with false bliss.   It does feel goood.   But I gotta be careful with it.  I don't know what it is like to be manic, but it maight be feuled or initiated by false bliss.

Typically, when I had falsde bliss, I would have a corresponding low period from 3 to 15 days later.   But that isn't happening now.  So I worry about becoming manic.  THinking all is well when all is not well, but actually in a state of decline or crash, is not good at all.

I have been panicking for a few days because this is it.   THis week will determine if I get Short Term Disability.   I need to prepare to accept either answer.   False Bliss does relieve the panic feelings, but at what cost?

This week will be hard

THis is the week when I find out if the SDI is approved (I hope).  Monday the 8th is the deadline for docs.  Hopefully they will make a decision before the end of the week.  If it isn't approved, I have hard choices to make.

So I  prepare to keep myself calm.  Lots of play time with Shou Shou, and online.   Lots of movies. anything to take my mind of this

Puppy stuff

WHen I was a kid, we had a breeder dog.   She was called Princess.

One day, my Dad came to me, real angry.   Someone had put a rubber band around a puppy's foot.   I had not done it.   Don't know who did.

I have thought, why do such a thing?

I realized today, that if the puppy could not be sold, we would keep it.
That is the reason why it was done.

Description of Panic Attack

I have an assignment to decribe in words what a panic attack feels like. just the physical sensations. no interpretation, no judgement.

today's attack was a doozy. It was the first time I felt the attack in my arms and legs.

I am still feeling this attack while I write this.

I feel a tightness around my wrist on both arms, as if there was a thin sting around the joint pulled very tight. The backs and palms of my hands are tingling, as well as the tips of my fingers. There is a pain on the inner forearm that starts at the wrist and goes down to the elbow. This pain comes from deep inside. It feels as if it is coming from the bone marrow.

My hands are hot.

As the attack quiets down, the pain in my forwearm weakens first. My feet are almost better, but the arms still have a way to go. It is very difficult to type.

I drove a car during the attack, and my legs were weakened so much by the attack that I could not stand holding the brake pedal down at street lights. I had to put the car into park. I felt pain as I pressed the pedals, even though my feet are numb on the surface skin. This pain was internal to the foot and shin. There was no tingling sensation on the toes or surface of the foot.

There was a little discomfort in the stomach, a small knot, which was so small I could ignore it.

The Attack started at 6PM and was not completely gone until 1:30 AM (after one hour of quality sleep).
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have realized later after this was written that part of what I described here was due to missing a dosage of lyrica, a pain medication for nerve pain.   Panic and nerve pain feel very much the same.

switcharoo

I have moved the mess of papers on my desk to where I was storing the blood pressure monitor tool & my diabeletes bloood sugar tester, and visa versa.

Then I wnet through the stack of papers, and sorted out all the mail.
Then I opened each item of mail, and filed it or got rid of it.
THe ietms that are bills got put in amuch smaller pile.

Thanks Nic fopr motivating meto do this

Remember

I need to remember this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-banbg_EFs

Bad things happeened

Bad things happeend today.

I am now so tired, I am seeing fake 3D - more like 2.5D, where there apperars to be depth between layers when really the objects are in the same layer.   Perhaps it is due to a slight lisalignment in the depiction that allow me to fool myself into 3D which is not there.

Anyway, this happenes when I get way too tired.   Thought I'd record it fopr posterity

Say Goodnight Larry.
"Good Knight Larry".

Computers connected to a network of trees

I had a dream last night where I was working on a dificuly programming assignment.  There was a connection between the computers and several trees, like a network.   The trees were used for debugging and Quality Assurance.  That's all I can remember.

Sleep problems again

FOr the last 3 nights, I wake up after 2 hours.
When I wake up, it is at the end of the Super Sleep Hemi-Sync copy.
The Hemi-Sync music has to taper offf to allow you to wake up.

So now I have created a playlist using fragments of Super Sleep.
The 5minute START, the 40 minute MIDDLE and the 5 minute ending.

I created play lists like START, MIDDLE 11 times, then END
So I will stay completely asleep for 8 hours.

The danger hear is that I might remain asleep in a fire.
But I need to sleep, and I think that this technique might be the only way I can get it.

__________________________________________

I trierd turning up the volume on the Hemi-Sync music.
My Ear Dryer broke, so I can't rinse my ears.
So when I lay down, the sludge moves and seals off my ear drums.

I've adjusted the temperature to be cooler, stuffed more socks into my neck pillow to make it firmer, and took long breaths so the third lobe would inflate and cause relaxation,.

Yet, here I am at 4 AM, still awake.

I am still bothered by what Jenn wrote on FB.

Also, I found out that the Bishop was coming by unannounced, but he had the wrong apartmewnt number.   I am guessing that this will be for the delivery of an invitation to a meeting to review the status of my membership in the Church.  I probably should not be taking the Sacrament, and I didi last week.  My membership could be questioned because I did attempt to kill someone, even though it was myself.

If only I had some milk to warm up and drnik.   Sigh.....

_______________________________________________________

I found the reason - not the answer.   It was blood sugar.   I cannot sleep with a blood sugar over 200.  The rate of my blood sugar descent has slowed.  Now it is at 10 blood sugar points dropped per hour.

I fell asleep at 7AM, and slept until 1 PM.  For the last hour of that sleep, I felt bliss, and didn't want to get up, even though Shou Shou was prodding me to come play.

It's that time of year

It's that time of year  again.  Dead leaves fall off, birds are returning, and my body hair comes off with just a slight tug.  I was scratching my arm pit, and some hairs just fell into my palm.   So I have been trying to remove it all - not just the arm pits, all of it. 

On my tummy, anbout 50% of the hairs (uniformly spread), will pull out with no pain using a slight tug.   I guess I will be gorwing a new coat soon...

Facial Upkeep & Future Plans

The virus on my facial skin is getting worse.   If I don't treat it for 3 days, I look like an extra for a n "undead movie".

Steroid cream did not work.   Witch hazel helps remove whatever the virus likes to eat.   Brushing the dead skin flakes makes my skin too raw.   I am now removing it with an electric rotary shaver.  I end up with a yellow-gray powder which is just ground up dead skin.

It takes multiple passes to get it all, takes a long time.   Then I put on a skin repair cream.

I am getting SDI & FMLA in place.

I am having trouble finding a stretch class that is early enough that I can still get to IOP at 9AM.   I really want to do the exercise class first, even before breakfast.   But the ealiest classes I can find are 8:15 to 9AM.   I need to do it in a group.   I will probably have to settle for doing it in the afternoon after IOP

My current future plan is to find a job and move to San Leandro,  It will have east access to family to the south and north, plus access to the Temple and UC Berkeley.

Midnight Caller

This is 2 night's in a row that I get a call at midnight which rings once, then stops.
I wish they would let the call go through so I could talk to them.
I am not angry.   I am guessing they are hesitant.

Bad Night

I am not sure why I am not sleeping.   I woke up after 90 minutes of sleep, and did some health cleansing.   Now I just woke up again, certain that I heard my phone ringing.   There was no call.

I can fly....oops

When I am tired, I keep losing my baalaqnce.   I was able to attend Church, even though that was when the time changed.  I felt physically weak.

I got the prescription of Lunesta filled, so I slept very well last night.

I got the paperwork from the ATT Integrated Disability Servfice Center (IDSC).   Will begin filling out now, with the help of my Doctor's staff.

RE$cycling guy will be surprised - I have 3 large bags!

bach hurts

I went to Chiro, right leg was 3/4 inch shorter than left leg - hips really mis-asligned.  Even with one 5-500Hydrococode (Norco) I can't sit down.  Pain is centrered in back.   I have watched this trend for years.   A shorter write leg is a measurement of how much I long for female companionship.

I think my T4estosterone is so low because my mind has given up on finding a soulmate, so it was adjusting so that I would not be a man anymore.

I tried the combination on the lock at work - they changed it.
too bad - I had a device in their I wanted to use to record phone calls.
I want to record the calls I have with my older brother Richard for future generations.  
He is such an interesting man.

This all I can write.   I just took two 10-325 Hydorcodone (Norco).   Perhaps I will add more later

I ordered new TENS unit.   Gave old one to Sarah my niece.   Glad I have it now.  It does allow me to walk for a little while.

___________________________________

I finally figured out what was wrong.   I had not taken my mid-day dose of Lyrica.   That's why the pain so was so wide-spread.   Hands, forearms, feet, calves and low-back

Change

I can't cintinue klike this
I am hungry, but the tiought of eating is disgusting.
I can't keep my attention on anything.
Nothing is interesting.
I can only sleep for a few hours.
I have no energy to do anything.
None of my prescribed drugs are working

I sleep, I get up, I try to pee, but nothing happens.
I ploay with the dog, I try the internet
then I lay down again.

I have done this cycle 3 times alreaqdy.

How am I going to worki tomorrow.

I keep imagining that I am going to be fired tomorrow

One thing is certain.
Once that spinal cord stimulaotr is back in my body,
I have to get as far away from AT&T as I can
It's killing me

Ann8iversary

I am going to leave the misspellings and mis-key-strokes in this blog entry.  You can see one in the title.

Friday was the 7th aniversary of my wife's death.  It was also a very bad day at work.  The PM on my project said something incredible ignorant, calculated to make me look bad.   She asked it as a question, but it was really a judgement.   She is sly like that.   I do not believe she is that ignorant of technology.  If she is, she is not qualified to do the job she is doing.   I feel she kinew that this was the day my wife died, and calculated this event to do me the most hurt at my weakest time.

I have sent an email telling her not to contact me in any way in the future.  If she does so, I will file a harrassment claim through a lawyer, against her, my boss and AT&T in general.   I am sure she will do so.   When I told her I didn't like her sending text messages to me over and over, she did so incessantly for over an hour.

I have sent an email to my Boss describing in one sentence to technical tasks.   My PM considers them of the same complexity, which is why she judged me to be a poor performer.   I asked my Boss to tell me if he knows that those 2 tasks are not even remotely the same.   He once told me that he knows nothing about software.

If I don't have an answer by Monday, I will assume he can't tell the difference either.   If he can't, there is no point in continuing to work on this.   They have no idea the size of the burden they have placed on me to justify myself.   My Boss challenged me to do this.

I have been taking 2 seroquel at night now to help me stop having homicidal thoughts.  a year ago, one of those pills would knock me out for 12 hours.   For the last 2 weeks, they don't do anything at all.  

The only way I have been able to sleep is by eating chocolate to raise my bllod suger, and then when it drops, I can fall sleep,. It can't be candy, only reese's PB cups work.   And it has to be the mini ones that areb't wrapped.   That has the correct ratio of sugar. chocolate and protein, and the bag contains just the right amount to work.   This is dangerous, because I could go into a diabetic coma, but I don't know what else to do, I have to sleep.

If I get too much sugar, I cannot fall alseep until it gets under 150.

This is the month where we get our annual review results, our wage increase and bonus amount.  The bonus will help pay off debt.   I should get a 10% bonus, but I b3et my Boss gives me very littloe, because I have not reqched a point where I can demonstrate my tool.

Depending on what happens in the next week, I am going to buy a hand gun.   I am not sure if it will remain in a drawer, or be used for suicide or homicide.   If it was today, it would be suicide

This is bad

An important aspect of my project at work has stopped working.   It is not a coding issue.  The tool or my laptop has changed in some way that refuses to let that technology work.   I have spent 4 days, and canot identify it.   It makes me look and feel incompetent.

I ate bakery sweets on Valentines day - too many,   The sugar low gave me a long sleep - too long.  I had mis-managed my meds again, and ran out of Ambien.   So sleep was difficult.   I finalloy got some yesterday, and then I forgot to take my bedtime meds.   I woke up at 1 AM in great pain.

The anniversary of Karen's passing is this week.   My thopughts are lonely and dark.  I am getting depressed.   The only thing that helped was the game Pirate 101.   I had stopped paying for several weeks.

I am now wearing thigh length compression stockings to control pain.  Which means I can only get foot massages on the weekend.

Most weekends I just sleep all day both days.   Part of this could also be Seasonal Affectiveness disorder.   This is a transition period wear the amount of blue light reaching the ground is increasing each day.   It is the transition period that are the worst.

My doctor won't increase the amount of Vitamin D..  I am taking 5000 IU.   Many of my firneds are taking more than twice that.

My insurance will only support 5.0 mg of Testoerone a day, but it isn't enough to bring my testosterone level within the normal range.   I guess I will just have to investigate how to get more naturally.

I have found the peanut buttter I can use to mix with Spirulina.  It is made in Williamsburg, Virginia, which is a city re-enacting how life was in the COlonial operiod.   The PB is soupy and has no additives, not even salt.   It is expensive.

I know the reason

The swelling in my legs isd callled lidema (not sure of spelling).  It is not cuased by gravity, like edema.   It is caused by diabetes.

I have reasoned out the timing.

Spinal cord stimulator comes out.   Can't stand up long enough to get freshground peanut butter.   Even with the stimulator in, I could barely stand long enough to get 6 small containers of PB, which only lasts 3 days - at most.   And sometimes the machine was near empty, so wasted trip.  

It cost 600$ to get a grinder like the one at whole foods, and I am not sure if it works on household current

I switch to store bought PB, too much sugar/fat -> lidema 2 weeks after surgery.

I have been mixing Spirulina with PB until if I mix anymore, it won't be a paste.  That is 3 parts PB to 1 part Spirulina.   I will try half and half.

I have to wear compression hose, and give myself shots everyday now.   It is not insulin.  It's brand name is victoza

Took a Day off

I took today off.   I felt horrible when the alarm went off.   TUrned it off and remained in bed until time for my therapist to call.  The call went well.

I called my boss & my PM, but she didn't get my vmail.   My obss told her in my staff meeting, so she sent a text.

I went back to bed and slept another 5 hours.   I went to bed early the night before, so I guessw I really needed it.  I stayed up just long enough to tkae meds and eat a little.   I was hungry, but the thought of eating digusted me.  I also took 2 of the strong pain meds, and watched a show online waiting for them to take effect.

I watched a remake of "Heman and the Masters of the Universe" from 2002.   The animation was much better 3D.   The storylines were much faster, and losts of action.  The swordplay was really professional.   The one on one fight scenes are pretty good.   A little to much sword/astaff spinning to show-off, but I liked that too.   And they still had the corny lines.   When Skeletor causes an avalanche to cover Heman, he siad "Your friend has good highting skills, but he has a rocky finish.  HA hahahahah".

once the meds kicked in, I needed to sleep again - for another 2 hours.   The pain is tolerable now, but still constant.   I am hungry again, but I have an aversion to eating.   Thsi is new.   Its like I am in too much pain to eat, stomach doesn't wanht it.

I had a problem at work yesterday.  All of a sudden, I was not able to run the software development tool at all.   When starting up, it would give an error message telling me to look in th elog, and then shut down.  Something told me too look at my project notes.   it seems this has happened before.   I did not remember it.   But my notes were clear enough that I was able to get back up and running within 30 minutes of the problem happening,

The error was that there were too many errors in a java file.   I am retrofitting my project to use a better database technology.   The old project I worked on used 2 database techniologies., one older (DBA) and one newer (JPA).   Using the newer one would shorten the development time, and make the code easier to manage.   But to do so, I would have to re-write the Session memory management code to be compatible with it.    I was in the midst of this retrofit when the error occurred.  

The software development tool I use (OEPE) takes a long time to inititialize.   But it tells you what it is doing while it is coming up.   One of those task is starting the "class loader".   That is where the error happened.  It doesn't just load the "class loader'.  The class loader then loads all the classes in the workspace, which are created from the java files.   The file with too many errors in it caused a stack overflow (java.lang.StackOverflow).  Java dev tools try to keep the java code always in a runnable state, unlike other languages.   The term StackOverflow was in the log file, and a quick search on the WWW gave me enough info to remember that I might have a not about this, and I did.

I am going to have to once again cut a java file in half, to avoid these size issues.   This is just another evidence that we are building something much larger than Struts, OEPE and even Java was meant to do.

I am not going to say much about this next topic for now.   A woman moved into my office at work, and I really like her.   I am going to ask her out.   She seems interested, even though she is seeing me at my worst.  I am walking like I am 90 years old.   Not very impressive.   She has beautiful hair, loves dogs, and is really smart.   She laughs all day long at work, really enjoys her day.

So Tired

I am trying to keep a positive outlook.

I got the TENS unit in the mail.   Before I even used it, I realized it was only going to help a little.
It only helps in the area where you -put it.   THe biggest problem I have now is my knees and ankles.  I am considering going back to Dr. Graehl and getting cortizone shots in all those places.  Based on prior experience, this will also make me 50 LBS heavier.

I found where I could order fresh ground peanut butter online.   I have also purchsed a kitchen made hand mixer.  The Bowl mixersd are $300.   Dang!   Not paying that much.  

I have experimented pmixing Spirulina with the Peanut Butter until it is not possible to add any more Spirulina and the mixture to remain a paste.   It does not taste as good as previous batches, but it does have more effect.

Overall, I eat less of it.  I get much more Spirulina per spoonful than before, and less PB.  Also, the less attractive taste doesn't trigger any "Ohh, that's good, gimme more" feelings. 

I got more Spirulina from, nuts.com, but this time I got 5 one LB bags.   Easier to manage.  The difference in price was less than a dollar.

I slept most of Saturday.   The only thing I did was mix Spirulina & PB, Shop (which was extremely difficult), and watch a movie online.   I slept 12 hours that night, and then 2 to 3 hours between these 3 activities, and then to bed at 11 AM.   When the alarm rang at 6 AM, there was no way I was getting up.   I need more rest.

I stopped going to get foot massages after they took the spinal cord stiulator out.   I am afraid the massagwe would hurt too much.   My legs and feet look terrible.   My toes look like driftwood again.   The skin on my legs looked like dried parchment.

What a pain!

The office of new Pain Mgmt doctor called, and the soonest I could get in to see him was 4 weeks.  When I heard that, my heart dropped to the floor - didn't even bounce.  4 WEEKS OF THIS PAIN - I can't take that.

I sent an email to my Primary Care Physician, and we looked for other options.   I might be able to get into see someone next Monday.   I am praying hard.

I am geetting a new pain.   It is not really new, I used to get it all the time 30 years ago.  I know it well.   It is a tension headache from typing too much, or sitting erect with tension to leave my arms free to work.   I would get these headaches on the right side of my head that felt like my skull was going to split open.   The strange thing is that these would happen while I was sleeping.  I wouild be woken up around 1 or 2 AM.

I would have to get up and sit in a comfortable position in the dark, and meditate until my neck and shoulders relaxed, and then I would fall back asleep quickly.  It usually took 90 minutes of silent mantra chanting.

Once, in the middle of this meditation, I had a vision.   I was shown a book that was the history of the people of earth.  I only read 4 paragraphs.  Those 4 paragraphs concisely described the entire history of the untied states (even it's future end).  I marveled at how well it was written, how precise the wording was so that it said so much using so little.  And then the vision faded.  I wanted to write down what I had read, but the words were taken from me.   I felt them slipping away.   This is something that I will always remember

mind is working, body is not

My mind was working pretty good today.   I had several really good ideas that would make the amount of code I have to write for my work project less, and provide full functionality.

My body was totaly out of it.  This is the first 4 day stretch of work I have done since I got out of the hospital.  The pain was pretty bad.  It got to a point where I wasn't in good control of my hands.  I was shaking.

I would lose my train of thought a lot, especially after 2 o'clock.   I wanted to go hoem badly after 4 hours, but I stuck with it, and most of that time was productive, but not at the rate I would like.

Shou Shou cheered me up when I got home.  

I watched a stupid claymation film called Star Warp'd.  The humor was so bad, it was funny.   And I think I got ALL of the sci-fi puns.   I would not recommend this film unless you are a true sci-fi junkie and maybe if your judgement is impaired.

My Employer is their worst enemy

My first computer at work was a real piece.  They had juast purchased a competitor, and had not nerged enough beuracracy to be able to give me a computer.   I had traqnsfered from the purchasing company to the purchased company.

Eventually I started developing software again after I got a bit healthier.  My laptop was so bad, you could not even get the software development tools to run.  The laptop freezed up.

I was told that I could not get a new computer for 4 months.   Th person in charge probably didn't like me because she was the one tasked with getting me my first computer, and probably had to do a lot of work to get it to me.  All she had to do was suggest a different supplier.  The company changes suppliers every 3 months.  But she was not going to do that for me.   I tried to escalate it to my boss, and his response was "A competent engineer would be able to solve that problem".  His idea of competence is really different than mine, and probably most people.

So I got stuck with another computer that was just lying around not being used, just like the first one.  And there was a reason no one wanteds to use it.  It can barely do the job that I am now required to do.

I have been hitting resource limits for months, and have to do a lot of rework to get around them.  This week, the interface to EJB beans just stopped working.  The real-time connection to the bean failed with a very terse error message.  The WWW was no help.   There was just too much obsolete content on the web.  So I struggled for 2 days.

I finally found 2 configuration files, and specialized editors within the software development tool to edit them.  

I did not find a solution.   I stumbled on it.  While looking at the elements and structure of these XML config files, I noticed that there were XML attribute tags that controlled the frequency in which files were checked to see if any changes had been made to them.

Lotsd of web developers are fast and loose.   They like to make changes and see them reflected immediately in a running WebApp.  So the industry caters to them.   But you had to be able to turn these things off, because it just wastes bandwidth in a production deployment.  The code isn't changing hourly in a Production system.

One of the XML attribute tags controlled how often JSP files are scanned to see if any of them had changed.  The default value is ONE SECOND.   Because of the strict constraints put on the WebApp I am making, I was forced to create hundreds of small JSP files that get pieced together dynaically.  I may have over 1000 JSP files.   Checking all those files and comparing the current time to the "updated date" to each file probably used up the entire ONE SECOND.   No wonder my system was taking so long to react to keystrokes & MOUSE-CLICKS.   I turned this off, and the EJB error went away.

I feel like my employer is doing everything possible to make it hard for me to do this job.  Sometimes I click on a word in a code file, and it takes 30 SECONDS for the word to become highlighted.  It is supposed to be an immediate response.

Ouch

I forgot to create a set of functions for the project at work, and had to do them over the weekend.  I have been working for a week now without the spinal cord stimulator.  The neuropathy has been continuing in all my joints, but the stimulator blocked all the  pain from the hips down.

Oh, do my knees and ankles hurt.   The pain keeps me awake.   I have asked my PCP for strongwer pain meds for night time.

The craziness at work is overwhelming.  The manipulation and lies and lack of attention is dumb-founding

A bag of medication is missing from my apartment.  I think the workmen took it.  It was just anti-coagulant.  I will call to get some more.   Maybe the dog took it.

I am trying to be positive, but it is hard.

I haven't confirmed who sent me the Lousie Hays CD of 101 Power THoughts.   I am so glad to have it.  It helps.

I had a dream that I was singing "You are my Sunshine" to Lily when she was 4 years old, and getting ready for a nap.   It was blissful.   I had the feeling that she will be a healer, and people would seek her out for help

I had another dream where I was tearing my body apart as payment in order to gain passage through a dungeon.  At each juncture, I had to pull another thing off.  When I pulled out my teeth, they were as long as fingers.

When I play fetch with Shou Shou, sometimes the ball stops right under her tummy.   She will spin around looking for it, sometimes more than once, until one of her feet hit it, and it moves within her range of vision.   very funny.

I have been having trouble getting into the office at work.  I enter the code into the door lock, but when I twist/pull the handle, it only opens one inch, and gets caught on something.  I thought it was the fact that it was cold outside that was the problem.  This typically happened at 8Am, so there was not many cars in the parking lot.  Finally, it happened after I watched someone get in thru the door.  So I experimented.  I was the problem.  My reaction time was too delayed.  I didn't realize this.  So now, after I punch in the code, I twist/pull the handle as fast as I can, and I can always open it.

I have been checking my charge codes weekly, and it looks like there is a constant stream of codes, but not much of a buffer.   The boss says there should always be 80 charge codes available.  THat would be 240 hours, or 6 weeks worth of charge codes.   My buffer is around 30 to 40 charge codes.  It used to be 60 to 80, but shrank to half its size

THoughts

I am going to put a gel bag I got from a cushion I used to use, and use it underneath the cushion I now use, which is called wondergel.   Wondergel stops working once it gets warm.  the gel bag can be frozen.   I think using them together will allow me to sit longer without switching cushions.

I realized while I was in the hospital that the story concept was not that ground-breaking as everyone thought.  The author just took the story-concept from Edgar Rice Burroughs for "The Princess of Mars", and inverted it.   Instead of an earthman going to another planet and having super-powers, and man came from another planet to earth and had super-powers as a result.

The concept is "Steal like an artist".  Search for it on the Web to find the article.

Right this very moment, I got an idea for a computer-assitance app.   My typing has become so bad, I am always hitting extra characters or leaving characters out (because I don't hit the key hard enough).  Creating a text substitution app that recognizes that a word is mispelled and looks for a stray keystroke to a neighboring key, and removes it, automatically, while I am typing, would aid many others in my age bracket.

Larry