David Copperfield opened my mind

David Copperfield hosted a video for National Geographic called Brain Games.  One of the exercises was to simultaneously count what yiou head while counting what you saw.

I was able to get close to the real two values.

WHat I find interesting is that in order to COUNT the auditory, I translated it to text, and then scanned the text.   ThaT IS HOW i REMEMBERED THE AUDITORY, WHICH i counted AFTER counting the visual in real time.   I would stop visual monitoring and scan the auditory text.  No wonder it was hard

Just realized I have cut back on pain pills

I Just realized I have cut back on pain pills.   This may have been the reaon I was able to defecate so soon.   I woke up from a sound sleep with joint pain in 3 limbs.   Took some of the meds, waiting to go back to sleep.   Neeed rest, today is day I go to the gym

FINallly, I can go in peace 8*)

It has only been 2 days since the last one, and I had a bowel movement.   feces was soft.   I finally am eating enough fiber.  FOr my body, take the recommended amount of fiber, and multiply it by three.   That's how much it takes.   I eat fiber all day long, like an elephant.

Brain is stuck on fast

I decided to read the ROok of Mormon today using CD ROMS to listen to the words while looking at them.

I have an app that wil play MP3 files are 2X speed, but keep the pitch of the sound the same.  I read all of first Nephi in one hour.

BUT now I cannot sleep.   The brain willl not slow down, even with the hemi-sync music.  I will keep trying

CLOSER TO A SOLUTION

Last weekend, it took 2 days to got to defecate.   The buildup of pressure is due tothe pain increase as the feces nears the exit.  The damage to my lumbar can feel this pressure.  Sadly, I cannot feel it until it is a lot of pressure.   So I only can feel it once it is bad.

I have tried forcing the feces out with pills that cause gas, but the gas just seeps around the feces.

It took me several hours to prepare.  I took pain meds all day, timeing the intervals, while trying often to get some of it out.   Finally I found a new show on netflix that distracted me enough that my anus relaxed, and I was Able to force it out. 

I grabbed the handles to the support frame I have over my toilet that I got when I had my hips replaced, and gritted my teeth, stood up sliglhtly, and tighened with all I had in me.

I yelled this time, but did nto scream like last time. There was no blood this time.

Twice now, it clogs my toilet completely, and requires a plumber.

THe feces isn't hard. It is pliable. Thye problem is that there is so much, and it is sticky. The consistency is a bit firmer than potter's clay.

 I put on protective gloves, and only put a little of the feces in the toilet bowl.  I broke it up into pieces.  It broke naturally into plushy spheres in one inch diameter.  I only put 5 in, and it plugged the toilet comletey.

I had 3 times as much feces left over toget rid off.   I out it in a bucket, and ran hot water over it.  I massaged the feces, and it slowly leeched into the water.  IT took 2 hours to complete this task and clean up.

I am going to add much more stool softener to my water supply.
And I am going to ask for more cortisone shots in the tail bone, so the pain won't be so bad, and the pressure won't build up so much.

It has been a few hours since I defacated, and my lumbar is still stinging.

Waking up once a night

I have been waking upo once a night for two weeks, maybe longer.
I think the reason I am wakingup is because of my dreams.
It was for sure my dream I had tonight.

In the dream:

Karen and I were stll married, and something happened.
There were three alien androids that I was part of a team to protect them.
One of them got real sick.
THere was some kind of drama.

When I got home, the extended family was there.
There were a lot of Browns there.
MOm & Dad Brown were silent,  but all the other Browns were mad at me, even ym nieces and nephews.
It was so bad, I wanted to leave.   Karen was clinging to me, pleading that I do not leave her.

So I spent the night.  THe bad feelings started in early morning.
My kids remained nuetral and quiet.

I made Karen come with me as I left, and said:
"IF we come back, we come back together".

THat is when I woke up.

I think I meet the criteria for "vivid dreams" now as a side effect of medicatiion

Larry

1 AM ring ering ring

I get these calls every most night,   They don;t ring long enough to be ansered.  I think my mind is making this up, so I will get up.

Larry's Horrible, no good, very bad day

Yesterday my SDI case went into review.   FoR some reason, I expected the decision to happen yesterday.  I am realy down today.

I almost tripped over my cane, my movements are so slow.

Both my thearpist are niot available the rest of the next 7 days, and I got a rejestion from FMLA because SDI was denied.   Which means my job is not protected now.

Time to get a lawyer

____________________________
I felt better as soon as I met Bill in W101 and oplayed for 3 hours.   The depression lifted.   A shot of victoza also undid the bad effects of the baked goods I ate today for comfort.

Weird Weather

IT was cloudy, then rain came down in buckets for 2 hours.   Now there is not a hint of rain

It is strange when it gets cold.  The upper half of my body needs a coat, the bottom half doesn't feel the cold, just a little stinging

False BLiss

Over the years, I have experienced what I thought was bliss several times.   I experienced True bliss only a few times, but now I can tell the difference.

True bliss was attained through meditation for a long period.   THe first time I attained true bliss was after 90 minutes of silent mantra in a prayer closet.   I had a key to t eh Church house, and was using the sacament preparation room.

False blisss has to do with partial asphyxiation.  Something in my throat causes me to snore.   I can feel a flap of flesh in my throat vibrating when I snore.    As a young teen, my shoulders really began to grow.   A pillow has always made me feel choked.   THe flap of flesh would seal of my throat when I used a pillow.

THe nasal congestioin did not help this situation either.

SO,  when I wake up feeling bliss, I noticed that one or both of my hands were behind my neck, forcing me into a position where I could breathe, but the airway was constricted.   THe bliss was due to the asphyxsiation.

I have seen on TV shows how people use asphyxiation to achive a higher high, such as when they have sexual relations.  THis is false bliss.  Even false bliss feels really good, and you don't want it to stop.

Today, I woke up early with false bliss.   It does feel goood.   But I gotta be careful with it.  I don't know what it is like to be manic, but it maight be feuled or initiated by false bliss.

Typically, when I had falsde bliss, I would have a corresponding low period from 3 to 15 days later.   But that isn't happening now.  So I worry about becoming manic.  THinking all is well when all is not well, but actually in a state of decline or crash, is not good at all.

I have been panicking for a few days because this is it.   THis week will determine if I get Short Term Disability.   I need to prepare to accept either answer.   False Bliss does relieve the panic feelings, but at what cost?

This week will be hard

THis is the week when I find out if the SDI is approved (I hope).  Monday the 8th is the deadline for docs.  Hopefully they will make a decision before the end of the week.  If it isn't approved, I have hard choices to make.

So I  prepare to keep myself calm.  Lots of play time with Shou Shou, and online.   Lots of movies. anything to take my mind of this

Puppy stuff

WHen I was a kid, we had a breeder dog.   She was called Princess.

One day, my Dad came to me, real angry.   Someone had put a rubber band around a puppy's foot.   I had not done it.   Don't know who did.

I have thought, why do such a thing?

I realized today, that if the puppy could not be sold, we would keep it.
That is the reason why it was done.

Description of Panic Attack

I have an assignment to decribe in words what a panic attack feels like. just the physical sensations. no interpretation, no judgement.

today's attack was a doozy. It was the first time I felt the attack in my arms and legs.

I am still feeling this attack while I write this.

I feel a tightness around my wrist on both arms, as if there was a thin sting around the joint pulled very tight. The backs and palms of my hands are tingling, as well as the tips of my fingers. There is a pain on the inner forearm that starts at the wrist and goes down to the elbow. This pain comes from deep inside. It feels as if it is coming from the bone marrow.

My hands are hot.

As the attack quiets down, the pain in my forwearm weakens first. My feet are almost better, but the arms still have a way to go. It is very difficult to type.

I drove a car during the attack, and my legs were weakened so much by the attack that I could not stand holding the brake pedal down at street lights. I had to put the car into park. I felt pain as I pressed the pedals, even though my feet are numb on the surface skin. This pain was internal to the foot and shin. There was no tingling sensation on the toes or surface of the foot.

There was a little discomfort in the stomach, a small knot, which was so small I could ignore it.

The Attack started at 6PM and was not completely gone until 1:30 AM (after one hour of quality sleep).
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I have realized later after this was written that part of what I described here was due to missing a dosage of lyrica, a pain medication for nerve pain.   Panic and nerve pain feel very much the same.