I have the FLU

I saw this sign today - BEWARE of SEE SAW! I always knew those things were dangerous!

I have made a blog entries for a few days - I have been fighting the flu. The FLU temporairily has the advantage. I am eating mashed potatoes and grits (not together) to help settle my stomach. BTW - I LOVE GRITS!

I have had to cut way back on fruit. It goes right thru me. I miss it, expecially the dates. Thank You Linda for getting me hooked on Dates! and Medjool are the best, just liek you said!

Friendly Advice

I had my yearly review yesterday. As announced earlier - no wage increases this year. Bonus are down to 45% up front. My review ended with a bit of "friendly advice" that my work needs to be more visible - that he is not getting feedback about the work I am doing. My new work environment is very loose knit. I am finding out that most people in all orgs we work with don;t really know anything.

His statement upsets me - but it is true. I do not promote myself enough, I will conitnur to do mofeling and I will start studying the data in GBP He also said that my work needs to be attributted to me - which I take to mean that creedit for other people;s work. SO I need to embed my ATT unique ID in my work, and publish it to a larger audience.

There is a rumor that there are 3 union contract negotiations this year, in FEB, APR and AUG. Mobility union workers should be negotiating their contract right now but they have left he bargaining table. Yet the workers continue to work. The rumor is that all 3 unions will wait until AUG, and all strike at once. This gives them more leverage.

It also makes it difficult to make plans. My Department has officially been told that we cannot plan for any time off in APRIL. Will the company come out and say we can't make any plans from APR to AUG? Will AT&T trust the 3 separate unions to wait until AUG - technically, the unioj whose contract termintes in APRIL (CWA), they could strike in May, or June, or July, or August.

It does mean that I am guarantted work until SEP 2009.

Reflections

I am having a harder time falling asleep.

I spoke with Kofi and Augustus yesterday about work. They are frustrated - they fill out applications, but no one ever calls back. Augustus got laid off. They understand they are competing with a lot more people now. Kofi related how the Bishop's sons (twins), who just got back from their missions, cannot find work. When I made a side comment about work is hard to find now, but it might get better in 2010, they said in unison: but we need to eat. Kofi related to me in private that he is about to lose his apartment again. At least the weather is better now. Based on what he told me yesterday, he doesn't understand the difficulty he is in. He has no green card, long expired. Legally, the only thing he can od is start his own business, offering a service (not a product). It is a grey zone in the law. This is why so many Mexicans do landscaping - a service. It is not illegal. I cannot help Kofi - he is about to lose all his possesions. Yet he is not frantic - he is not stretching to do anything different than before.

Car Wash

I was really slow yesterday - but I got a lot done. I worked too hard, and now I am down. I am glad it is Sunday.

CORALINE !

It was a weird day at work. I am trying to do a quick task, but no one will copperate with me. When I asked for help from Yang, emails were sent that were blown way out of proportion. We'll see what happens Monday.

I went and saw the Movie "Coraline" in 3D and realy liked it. The 3D affect was opposite that which is done in most 3D movies, so the image appeared to be behind the focal point of the projection screen. Since this is a stroy about a make-believe world, that seems appropriate. THIS FILM IS NOT FOR CHILDREN. That being ssaid, I would recommend it.

Safe until Q4

At the end of Q2 2008, we were directed by the corporate offices to make sure our skills inventory was up to date. I realiz3ed at the time that this information was needed to determine what our strike assignment would be in Q2 2009.

In December 2008, the company announced layoffs, starting then and continuing throughout 2009. I interpreted this as "they would lay off management once the strike was over, since we were not as essential as we are now, based on my experience of being offshored the day I got back from Strike Duty.

Yestrerday, corporate sent another memo saying that they wanted our skills inventory up to date again in 2009. Reading between the lines, this is in preparation for layoffs. This was an update to a previous memo which I don't remember receiving. The update wa that we did not have to enter this data until OCT 2009. So I interpret this as I am safe from a layoff until DEC 2009.

THis is funny

The following is a transcript of a training video from my company on how to use some very old software that I will be using during the strike.

We are going to learn how to access and use X
To go to X, use Y (chosen from menu START > PRGORAMS > Y )
Once Y is open (a scrolling list appears on the screen)
you can find the region you are going to use X in. (Mouse-Click on Z Missouri)
We are going to use Z Missouri because we will be researching missouri bills.

When Z starts, enter your ID, password and hit ENTER

This will bring you to the command screen (empty window with letters CMD in upper left corner). Now hit the HOME key (cursor appears after the letters CMD), the letter t, then function key 3, which we will call F3.

And you can see it moves the cursor down to the next line, and over 3 spaces, passed over where the area code is displayed/entered. The reason it does this is that most X billing telephone numbers in the same billing system all begin with the same area code.

Enter the rest of the telephone numbr. (when last digit is typed, cursor jumps to home position). then hit F3.

And you can see it takes me to the Billing Record. It shows me the name on the account, the address, the status of the account, the total amount due...

To view the last bill, hit F2.

To get more information on this bill, you can see at the bottom of the screen there are pages attributed to this bill. To see page 5 of this bill, hit HOME, type in pg5 then hit F4. To go back to the main screen of this account, hit F3.

By typing the word "date' on the command line (after hitting HOME key), then ENTER, and this will show you all the bills that can be viewed, sorted by date. If I want to view one of these bills, tab down to the one I want to see, type x next to it, and then hit F2.

Again, to return to the main screen, hit F3.

If you go to the command line and type "BAN" then ENTER, it shows me all the child accounts associated with this main account (a series of phone numbers is displayed on screen). Hit F3 to return to the main account.

To view the notes on this account, hit F7. If you would like to enter a note, tab down to the bottom of the screen to the type field. Overwrite the word "type" with "note", hit space, then enter whatever text you want in the note. Hit F7 to finish the note, and the screen is refreshed with all the notes, including this new note, shown in order of date of entry.

nit F3 to go back to the main accoount. You can see at the bottom of the screen that it shows the most recent note.

To go to another account, just overwrite the telephone number with a new telephone number, and hit F3.

To exit this system, choose menu FILE > EXIT (using the mouse and the menubar).
A dialog will appear asking you if you are sure you want to exit this system.
REply: YES - I REALLY WANT TO EXIT THIS SYSTEM - AAAAAAAAARGH!

Finally I know

They finally resolved my strike duty assignment. I will be working in DALLAS in the finance department, resolving billing issues. I will get to sleep in my own bed! I will be using really, really old software that is hard to use, but I don't care. I am very happy about this!

As the 21st approaches, I am getting more and more withdrawn. It is Karen's anniversary. I am grateful I have an assignment to teach the Older Singles FHE lesson, otherwise I probably would just stay home alone. I am going to teach about evidences of the Book of Mormon.

My thinking has become very slowed, and my level of awareness has really dropped. I am clumsy, escpecially with my hands - I drop things and knock things over as I move my arms around. The Anxious feeling has gotten much worse, so I have started taking anti-anxiety meds duing the day. I have started using the alpha=Stim again to see if that gives me more clarity of thought. It was pretty bad yesterday.

Fighting the Flu

It will be 73 degrees today - time for a long walk.

I started to get a sore throat yeaterday - slight cough. I am resisting.

Things going well at work. I did get in contact with Contingency Planning Reassignment committee. When the phone assistant reviewed my case, she chuckled that I live in TX and got an assignment in CT. That gives me confidence that it will be changed.

What is it

Something is wrong, and I am trying to figure out what it is. I woke up after only 3 hours of sleep. I took some anti-anxiety medicine which is prescribed "as needed".

I have not been taking anti-anxiety meds at all for over a week now - except once or twice as I went to bed.

The third anniversary of Karen's death is this coming Sunday, that could be part of it.

This is the transition period of Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, and my metabolism usually goes whacko at this time.

I have started to use the Alpha-Stim again, on a daily basis. My former psychiatrist said it was OK to use daily and as much as 3 hours a day. My medical doctor said there would be no issue using it as much as I want. The manufacturer recommends that once a maintenance level is reached, it should only be used 1 hour every 3 days.

So - I wil stop the Alpha Stim for the rest of this week, I'll take anti-anxiety med as I go to bed, and I'll wait a week and we'll see what happens.

I have been praying for help at work because I am doing something very difficult. I pray for this each morning/night, and several times during the day. I have recieved a lot of help. I have been specific in my prayers, asking for the ability to recognize patterns of different sorts within this data and to help me be mentally flexible, expecially in geometrical recognition, and help for my body to handle the strain, and my computer use will be accurate (no typos, mis-clicks).

I am continuing to contruct an Excel file template that I am going to use studying Sudoku puzzles. I got another really good idea about that last night.

I am really missing my kids today. I could really use a hug.

Too Fast

I am doing too much. If I don't slow down, I could have a relapse. I recognise this, and will react accordingly.

I'll be giving the lesspn in Single Adult Family Home Evening. I will teach about the Book of Mormon. I have been recieving promptings to make an audio CD of the book and chapter headings of the BOM. It will help the student learn the layout of the BOM. I want one for myself, but now I know why. I have ripped al the CDs into WMA, and now I am converting them into MP3 so I can truncate the files, leaving only the chapter headings, using a tool called Audacity (Thank You Emily for teaching me about that).

There was a SA potluck and fireside last night. It was very good. The food made me feel awful. One person was assigned to put up tables and chairs: Mark. Mark didn't come to Church yesterday. He had been laid off, and was ill, so he went tot he Vet Hospital about 100 miles away. He did come to put up tables and chairs, so I helped to. I wore my old suit, knowing ahead of time that I should, but thought it was just because I was a messy eater and I just had my new suit dry cleaned. I was crawling under the stage to get the rolling racks of tables. 2 others helped put up chairs. When it was over, there had been no assignment made toput them away, so I put all the chairs away. Eventually a leader came to help put tables away.

Two more men at Church got laid off. This is happening every week. I am going to increase my Fast offerings.

Oops - I forgot to make an entry

I forgot to make an entry on Satuday. I hope that did not make anyone worry. I was anxious to get my chores done, and forgot about this part. I wanted to put more time in for work. I was able to get all my chores done by 3:00 (except I forgot to vacuum). The pattern is that I vacuum or mop on alternate weekends.

I worked 7 hours yesterday. I am modeling another database - called InR - for Inventory Retrival. It associates a customer with his contracts, the circuits and hardware used to fulfill the contract, and the types of connections/access provided the customer over this medium. It is huge. I have been working on it for 4 days. I have to finish soon. I have made great progress, but it is not done - patterns are starting to emerge.

There is a lady I go to Church with that has a serious back injury. She spoke in Church about having to do 2 hours of cardiovascular exercise a day to maintain her health. She listens to the Bookk of Mormon on CD when she does that. At that rate, she is able to go over the entire book of Mormon in 10 days.

I have been doing that for a week or so, for the 35 minutes of cardio I put in each day. But the idea occured to me that I could also sit and read the book while listening to the CD. This would keep my mind from wandering. Then it also occured to me that I could get something to speed up the auido on the CD and read it faster. Varying speed audio with pitch adjustment has been around for a while. I downloaded some software last night (Amazing Slow Downer) for $60 that will allow me to speed up audio 200%. Usually these tools are used for music students, to slow odwn a piece of music (while staying in pitch/key), so they can learn to play it.

Although speed-reading techniques can increase speed, it is based on widening the field of view, so that you are taking in more text without moving your eyes back and forth. Since I want to use this to read scripture, that thechnique doesn't help, since the text is broken up into 2 columns per page. 2x speed is as fast as I can understand speech. I just read the entire book of 1st Nephi in 90 minutes. Interesting!

Today, the older singles are having a potluck and 3 short talks on the "Proclamation on the Family" given by a Single, a widow(er) and a divorcee. I forgot to prepare something to being. I think I will bring 3 bowls of fruit - sliced apples, peeled clementines and dates. That is something I can do.

I keep meaning to make an emtry about my exercises, so I will do that today. This is going to be a long entry. Befoer I get dressed each day, I do 4 activites: Pelvic rotation on an exercise ball, leg stretches, knee squeezes and then cardiovascular using an exercise step.

The pelvic rotations I do first because that is typically where I feel pain in the morning (although I rarely feel that anymore when I awaken). 50 counts of bounce, left-right, forward-back, counter-clockwise circles, clockwise circles, alternate legs lifts (25 each). I was taught to do this my my first personal trainer in CA. I found it to be more effective than the stretches I was doing from the "Pain Free" book. If I don't do this for 3 days, I can feel the vertebrae in the lumbar clicking when I walk.

The leg stretches were taught to me by my current chiropractor. I place my heel on something 1 foot tall, flex the foot up, strainghten the knee, keep the back straight, and lean towards the toes - for a count of 30. This really helps alot. I do it several times a day. It is amazing how well it cuts down stiffness and pain.

The knee squeezes were also taught me by my currrent chiropractor. He said that my hips tend to mis-align easily, and this exe4rcise will strengthen those muscles to keep the hips in place. I place a rolled up towel between my knees and shins, and squeeze hard for 3 sets of 10.

For Cardio, I have a 7 inch step, and I do that pattern: Right foot up, then left, right foot down, then left (but only touch toes to ground), Left foot up, then right, left foot down, then right (only touch toes) - REPEAT. When I used to take walks with Karen, I had to go too slow because her legs were shorter than mine. So inorder to get a workout, I bought a set of ankle weights where I can add increments of 1/2 pound up to 10 pounds per leg. I am using them know, 1 LB per leg - although I increase each Staurday, so today is 1.5 LBs.

I have started doing something very strange during the pelvic rotationS and knee-squeezes. I flail my arms around in random patterns. I thgouth of it as a way of isolating the upper body muscles from the lower body muslces. I also believe that it will encourage more movement oriented brain cell connections. It probably looks really weird! But I know it is working because when I don't do it, the rotations seem a lot easier to do - I mean VERY easy.

Lowered Feelings

Lowered Feelings is an old term which is now called depressed. I like to think of depression as a balloon that was filled until the elastic was stretched, and then some air was let out, and the balloon looks a little saggy. It is the equilibrium manifested by the outside air pressure and the inside air pressure. Emotional depression is the equilibrium manisfested between outside stress and internal resolve.

I am down today. I am beginning to obcess about my Strike duty assignment. I don't want to have to go to connecticut. The contingency planning group is overwhelmed, and my request just might be left waiting because there is no one to look at it. I am going to speak with my boss about it today. I need to decide what to do. I have tentatively decided to wiat until the end of the month, and if they have not responded to me by then, I will accept the assignment and start training. This decision has steadied me somewhat.

Working From Home

I am going to work from home again today and model another database.
I collected all the stats I needed and stored them on disc so I don't need the network.

It is going to be 71 degees and sunny today.

I got my suit dry cleaned for less than $8. I don't know if that is a good price, but it seems like a good price to me. The dry cleaners is just around the corner.

In order to do the Sudoku theory research, I really need to do some advanced programming in Micorsoft Excel. I could get by without it, but it would be a ton of work. The issue is this - how many unique sudoku puzzlke solutions are there. When I say unique, I mean truly unique. For example, if you take any puzzle solution, and in every cell, you swap the 1 digit for the 9, you have what looks like a new puzzle, but it is the same underlying pattern. By swapping or mapping the 9 digits differently, you can create over 3.5 million puzzles that are essentially the same. If you cosider rotating the puzzle and reflecting the puzzle accross an axis, this increases to 28 milllion puzzles that are essentially all the same puzzle. It is my guess that there are a small set of truly unique solutions as a set. If the number of unique patterns is small enough, this can be leveraged and memorized - perhaps guiding the puzzler with a specific strategy if he can recognize the basic underlying pattern.

Sounds weird, and it is, but that's who I am.

I haven't been able to think like this for a long long time.

SUDOKU THEORY

I got a really great idea about how to do a complex analysis of the set of sudoku puzzle solutuions. I won't bother to explain it here - but I have a lot of research to do first.
I think I will find something surprising.

Worked Too Hard

I worked to hard for to msany hours yesterday. I had toruble falling asleep. I got my new strike accignment - in CONNECTICUT. Although this is outisde what the case worker recommended becuase of my need for doctor's care, it is better than what I had before. I did contact the head of contingency planning about it, but if she says - this is it - then I will accept it. I will be a Customer Information Specialist (Same thing I did last time), but in English I think. Not sure - no details yet.

it might Hail today - large Hail - so when I go to work, I will try to get a parking space in the covered garage.

Warm Rain

It is 62 degrees outside at 4:30 Am - and raining. Should clear up and be in the 70s this afternoon.

I am upset today, but I can handle it.

I actually look forward to working today.

I learned today that most of the members of my Church ward who work at Raytheon work on military systems. One of the most impressive systems I have ever heard of is the Predator, and the lead technician actually goes to Church with me. He is the most mild-mannered man I have ever met. I look forward to the next social event so that I can talk to him about it.

Woke up Early.

It's 5 AM, and my body wants to get up. I got a lot done yesterday, even moped the kitchen and the bathroom.

Everyday I am getting good ideas. This is how it used to be 10 years ago. It is nice to be back.

I found out yesterday that many of the people in my ward work on military systems at Raytheon. We had a lot of stories to share. I found out that one fo our memb3ers is the Lead on the Predator system. I am a real fan of the Predator. Awesome technology.

Short Sleeve Day

I fubally retored the work that was erased. The dataase model is so huge, creating an image of the model is 4 MEG. It took me a while to figure out how to publish it in smaller chunks.

I went to the doctor yesterday/ I have a fungus underneath the big toes on my right foot. I will begin taking a new drug today that will kill the fungud. The drug used to be expensive, but now it is generic - so it is very cheap. I will need to take it everyday until a new toenail has grown, which shall be at keast 6 months. I also must soak my foot 10 minutes a day in Hydrogine Peroxide to keep from getting a bacterial infection there.

It isn't even noon yet, and it is 65 degrees outside - wil peak at 76. A SHORT SLEEVE DAY.
We are having another baptism today. I have been asked to give a tlak on Baptism.

Gotta go - have lots of chores to do.... It's Saturday.

Almost caught up

I 3worked from home yesterday, and almost restored all the work I had lost in my carelessness.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and was pleased to report how well I am doing. I have been prescribed anti-depressants before, and each time previously, I have decided to stop taking them, for various reasons. From what I have learned in Psych IOP, this is a common occurence, and typically leads to a relapse. Dr. Peris also stressed this. My ailment is chronic, and I should expect to take anti-depresssants for the rest of my days. I have accepted this - I will not stop taking them unless I am instructed to do so by a psychiatrist.

Dr. peris did discuss coming off the anti-anxiety meds. I have hardly used Seroquel at all in the last 2 weeks, but I have continued to take Xanax each morning - since that was not prescribed to be "As Needed". I brought up the subject that maybe it is time to stop taking the Xanax. He agreed. The plan is to drop the dosage by 25% a week for 4 weeks, so that by the end of the month, I will no longer be taking it. He did stress that if I felt I needed to take it on a soecific day, it would be OK to take the prescribed amount for that day, but that I should try taking the seroquel first, since Seroquel is not addictive, and xanax is addictive (although my dosage of xanax is very low).

It isa 56 degrees outside this early morning, and will get to 75% 0 which means - NO THERMAL UNDERWEAR TODAY.

I woke up withthe alarm at 6:30, but felt tired - I did not flal alsleep unitl midnight. I took my meds, and slept for another hour. I felt no different, so decided to get up. I thnk the groginess was due to nasal congestion. I regret not having gotten up when the alarm went off the first time.

Imbalance

I pushed myself way too hard yesterday - and as a result made a big mistake at work. It will take me 1 or 2 days to recover. I am upset about it, but not obcessing. When it happened, instead of high anxiety and self degradation, I ust said aloud: Lie and learn", and immediatey began to fix what I broke.

I am going to work at home today. THE HIGH IS GOING TO BE 67 DEGRESS. YEA.

I took a walk yesterday in the Sun. It was 52 degrees outside, but I felt compfortable taking off my hat so I could soak up some rays.

I awoke today feeling great love for my children. It just came pouring out.,..

Facebook is cool

I had a good day yesterday. I went to Recovery-Inc in the evening - it was a good session. It was the largest group so far. I am dtill reading a chapter a day - but now I read it aloud to make sure I am paying attention.

I am listenting to the Book of Mormon on CD Rom while I do cardio indoors each morning. I am considering getting a variable speed CD player so I can make it talk faster. I am not sure they make them. I know the make variable speed tape players (speeds the sound up, but doesn't increase the pitch).

I am going to spend time this morning adding more fotos to facebook.

Procrastinating

This is the building where I work in Richardsion. Much newer, very nice. I work on the 5th floor. It has nine floors. There is a huge parking lot, and most of the stalls are used each day. Most of the people there go out for lunch.

There are some things on mt Todo list that I must do and want to do, but I blew them off yesterday night so that I could do genealogy. I feel driven by the project. This is an imbalance. I think I can get it into babalnce this week, but while the desire is new in my heart, I want to encourage it.

The new Church Genealogy website is fantastic. I am amazed at the response time when I search for ancestors. I get 7000 possible matches instantaneously, ranked in the order of pattern matching of the names, places and dates I supplied for the search. The ranking just dowsn't use text comparison. It makes phonetic comparisons - so Yeomans can be matched against Jaman (old world spelling), and Faresburg can be matched against Forestburgh. I would really like to see that system/software. This is the best webapp on the internet.

I had a hard time sleeping. It was my breathing - I was really stuffy all night. I should have gotten up and did another nasal rinse. I feel exhausted. I tried sleeping an extra 30 minutes and can tell that this is more like mental exhaustion than physical exhaustion - so I am getting up.

I made incredible progress at work yesterday. I was in the zone.

A New (and Old) Hobby

I have decided to spend Sunday afternoons doing Genealogy. There is a new website made by the Church called new.FamilySearch.org. You can do a lot of research in just one place. Last night, I was able to extend the Hasbrouk line for several generations.

I did a financial audit this weekend, and feel pretty good about it. My medical deductible starts over again, so my medical expenses are high. Even thought I spent $1100 in medical expenses this month, I still came out in the positive. But I don't go anywhere, and I don't spend money on anything to have fun. I pay extra (above what I pay through my work) for my doctor as a yearly fee to his clinic. That will be coming due again soon. I went for the most expesive option last time, and I am glad I did - otherwise I would not have had the help I needed in October 2008. This year, I am going to pay a lesser fee - but it is still alot. I have create a Health Spending Account at work for this purpose.

Temple Excursion

I had a great day yesterday. I got some sunshine, and went to the temple for half of the day. I started out in the patistry, and then did an endowment session. There are new converts iun our ward that are deaf, and they came to perform baptisms for the dead. So we were kind of doing Baptisms for the deaf. An interpreter was sitting next to the font, signing to the patron who was getting baptized for their ancestors. She had to ask the ordinance worker to slow down when he spoke the name of the ancestor, because the name had to finger spelled, which takes a lot. I was amazed at how fast she could do it.

Above is a pisture of the Dallas temple that I toook from the driver's seat of my car as I left the temple. (I pulled over, of course - don't be silly). It takes me only 15 minutes to get to the Temple. The Temple President said he used to work in the Temple Department at Church HEadquarters, and told us that it was President Hickley's goal to have a temple within 100 miles of every member of the Church.

I have been seeing things differently. I understand more in real time, while things aer happening. It's just a lot od different things. Like when I play Text Twist, I realized that I had to fucos on the longest words first, otherwise the game ends - and as I reach the end of the game, if I look at the list of the words already found, it gives me clues as to what are the words I have missed already. Another example is that I have been recycling my water bottles at work, because there is someone who put up a recycling box on my floor. They don't do city wide recycling in Texas. Then it occured to me - I could bring the water bottles and cans that I use from home to work. I drink so much bottled water, I fill up the large box quickly. Today I realized that is I unscrew the cap of the empty bottle, and squish the bottle flat with a book, then re-seal the bottle, then I can fit more in the bag I use to carry them to work.