I am home now - and wanted to let you know that I am ok. My sister Linda is here until the 23rd. She is helping me organize my life and teaching me better nutrition.
The weight loss I have been experiencing over the last 3 months was due to anxiety. I felt full when eating only a little food because of nausea induced from anxiety. MNy sensitivity to my body was reduced from depression, so I didn;t recognize what's happening.
Several events all happened udring the same week after General Conference that caused me to lose hope. On Friday 10/10, I was unable to eat and barely able breath. It was a panic attack it would not harm me, but it felt like I was dying.
I am on anti-depressants again. I will probably be on them the rest of my life. I am also taking anti-anxiety medication.
I thought I was doing better, but I crumbled so quickly. Coming to Texas has isolated me even more than before, but I would be in this situation whether I had come to Texas or not. The bottom line is that I am not assertive - I have to develop the ability to resist influence from others.
In my place in life right now, I do not see myself ever being happy again. I feel no pleasure now - not even a glimmer. I live in fear of the future.
I am setting up Short Term Disability now with the help of my primary care physician.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Momentum
I am feeling healthier. I am spending more time and effort at work, but not to excess - gotta keep that in check and not overdo at the office as I have always done. I have taken on a lot of hard assignments, and they are all maturing about the same time, so I do feel rushed.
I need to get better at recognizing how I feel and why I feel that way. I was feeling down last Sunday, but it was because I was tired. I did a very full set of chores that weekend, went to Church for 6 hours and litened to Church meetings for 4 more. I studied gospel doctrine for 90 minutes and spent 2 hours doing missionary work. But I didn;t figure out why I felt so bad until I went to bed - it was then I realized I was tired, not depressed or sad.
I often cannot tell the difference between sad and hungry, tired and depressed, weary and lonely. Why can't I tell the difference?
My therapist told me something that helps - to focus on today - praying for enough health, love and money for today. That helps.
I jsut got back from a dance lesson. These last 2 lessons flew by. I leanred alot tonight. I was feeling a little down before I went in, but I left feeling uplifted and happy.
my spelling sucks now. When I type, I have to go over it very carefully. This has been going on for about a year, maybe more. I think I am going to leave my mis-spellings in my blog from now on.
I need to get better at recognizing how I feel and why I feel that way. I was feeling down last Sunday, but it was because I was tired. I did a very full set of chores that weekend, went to Church for 6 hours and litened to Church meetings for 4 more. I studied gospel doctrine for 90 minutes and spent 2 hours doing missionary work. But I didn;t figure out why I felt so bad until I went to bed - it was then I realized I was tired, not depressed or sad.
I often cannot tell the difference between sad and hungry, tired and depressed, weary and lonely. Why can't I tell the difference?
My therapist told me something that helps - to focus on today - praying for enough health, love and money for today. That helps.
I jsut got back from a dance lesson. These last 2 lessons flew by. I leanred alot tonight. I was feeling a little down before I went in, but I left feeling uplifted and happy.
my spelling sucks now. When I type, I have to go over it very carefully. This has been going on for about a year, maybe more. I think I am going to leave my mis-spellings in my blog from now on.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
General Conference
Twice a year, my church has a conference where all the members of the faith listen to the top leadership in SLC. The central theme for this year was finding faith and hope in times of adversity. The speakers pick their topics independently, yet many spoke to this topic.
I was able to attend all 5 sessions. The Priesthood session was the best I have ever been to. Usually are meetings are not passionate - but this time, it was so passionate, it is hard to describe. Carving out 10 hours on a weekend to attend these meetings was hard. I was able to listen to the first 2 sessions on Saturday over the internet, which helped alot. I flded laundry and made the bed, etc. I tired using the web on the last SUnday session, but the network traffic was so high, I couldn't get it - so I put my tie on and quickly went to the chapel.
I felt somewhat selfish as a result of the conference. So many people, good members of the church, have it so much worse than I. Even in my new growing circle of single friends, my situation is pretty good. Many have no job and/or no medical coverage.
I did a slow vacuuming again this weekend. It takes 90 minutes when I do that. I filled the vacuum canister again. It is not a good comparison to previous weeks, because I actually moved furniture this time to vacuum under it. The canister was filled with twice as much fiber as last week, and still had a 1/4 inch layer of dust in the bottom of the canister.
Eventually, there has to be and end to that grime.
My previous entry about feeling down and out was not due to sugar. The main cause was improper use of my Alpha-Stim. I use a product called "Alpha-Stim" for anxiety and depression. As a result of using this product, I don't have to take anti-depressants. The Alpha-Stim is normally used for physical therapy. When used for depression, one connects the electrodes to the ear lobes, and a micro-amperage current passes through the brain (this is not quackery - it is FDA approved, and is effective).
The connection to the ear lobe is done using something like an alligator clip. The opposing sides of the clip is prepped by placing a small adhesive circular pad on the ends. Then a few drops of conducting solution is placed on each of the 4 pads, to allow the current to readily pass from the electrode to the ear. It is a pain in the butt for me to place those pads - they are so small, it is hard for my large fingers. So I thought I could get my without them - I just put the conducting solution directly on the metal of the electrode. The fluid quickly flows away from the electrode, and the connection was lessened.
I normally use the Alpha-Stim for at least 90 minutes each morning. I have used it for as much as 3 hours a day (but not all at one time). After 3 days of not prepping the clips properly, I got very depressed. It took me about 36 hours to realize that this was my own doing - to associate my behavior with how I was feeling. At first I thought it was diet. Then I thought it was Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. But eventually I realized I just wasn't using the Alpha-Stim correctly. That was the simplest hypothesis - and it proved to be correct.
I went out with the fulltime missionaries after the last session of conference for a couple of hours. I also wrote 2 short religious essays for a book I am putting together. I am going to write a thrid essay, then show the collection to a few friends. Based on the feedback I get form them, I will decide to write more or not.
We visited my friend Kofi today. He has not been to Church for awhile. When I called to see if he wanted a ride to Church today, I found he was in the hospital. His blood pressure got up to 224 yesterday, so they admitted him for overnight observation. Kofi gave us a hint as to why he has stopped coming to Church. When the power to Kofi's apartment was shut off last August, his apartment became an oven. It was cooler for him to sleep on the cement walkway outside of his front door. Kofi called his hometeacher, and he promised he would come by. Then he never came. Kofi was offended. He wasn't asking for money or anything like that. He just wanted someone to talk to about his problems. He felt abandoned.
Kofi has been a member for 2 years. I can understand his feelings a little, but he should forgive his home teacher. When I had been a member for only 2 years, I went off to become a missionary at my own expense. Kofi should be stronger than he is, but we all grow at different rates. I hope he comes next Sunday. When he learned that he missed General Conference because he was in the hospital, he was disappointed. He did want to see and listen to the Prophet.
I was able to attend all 5 sessions. The Priesthood session was the best I have ever been to. Usually are meetings are not passionate - but this time, it was so passionate, it is hard to describe. Carving out 10 hours on a weekend to attend these meetings was hard. I was able to listen to the first 2 sessions on Saturday over the internet, which helped alot. I flded laundry and made the bed, etc. I tired using the web on the last SUnday session, but the network traffic was so high, I couldn't get it - so I put my tie on and quickly went to the chapel.
I felt somewhat selfish as a result of the conference. So many people, good members of the church, have it so much worse than I. Even in my new growing circle of single friends, my situation is pretty good. Many have no job and/or no medical coverage.
I did a slow vacuuming again this weekend. It takes 90 minutes when I do that. I filled the vacuum canister again. It is not a good comparison to previous weeks, because I actually moved furniture this time to vacuum under it. The canister was filled with twice as much fiber as last week, and still had a 1/4 inch layer of dust in the bottom of the canister.
Eventually, there has to be and end to that grime.
My previous entry about feeling down and out was not due to sugar. The main cause was improper use of my Alpha-Stim. I use a product called "Alpha-Stim" for anxiety and depression. As a result of using this product, I don't have to take anti-depressants. The Alpha-Stim is normally used for physical therapy. When used for depression, one connects the electrodes to the ear lobes, and a micro-amperage current passes through the brain (this is not quackery - it is FDA approved, and is effective).
The connection to the ear lobe is done using something like an alligator clip. The opposing sides of the clip is prepped by placing a small adhesive circular pad on the ends. Then a few drops of conducting solution is placed on each of the 4 pads, to allow the current to readily pass from the electrode to the ear. It is a pain in the butt for me to place those pads - they are so small, it is hard for my large fingers. So I thought I could get my without them - I just put the conducting solution directly on the metal of the electrode. The fluid quickly flows away from the electrode, and the connection was lessened.
I normally use the Alpha-Stim for at least 90 minutes each morning. I have used it for as much as 3 hours a day (but not all at one time). After 3 days of not prepping the clips properly, I got very depressed. It took me about 36 hours to realize that this was my own doing - to associate my behavior with how I was feeling. At first I thought it was diet. Then I thought it was Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. But eventually I realized I just wasn't using the Alpha-Stim correctly. That was the simplest hypothesis - and it proved to be correct.
I went out with the fulltime missionaries after the last session of conference for a couple of hours. I also wrote 2 short religious essays for a book I am putting together. I am going to write a thrid essay, then show the collection to a few friends. Based on the feedback I get form them, I will decide to write more or not.
We visited my friend Kofi today. He has not been to Church for awhile. When I called to see if he wanted a ride to Church today, I found he was in the hospital. His blood pressure got up to 224 yesterday, so they admitted him for overnight observation. Kofi gave us a hint as to why he has stopped coming to Church. When the power to Kofi's apartment was shut off last August, his apartment became an oven. It was cooler for him to sleep on the cement walkway outside of his front door. Kofi called his hometeacher, and he promised he would come by. Then he never came. Kofi was offended. He wasn't asking for money or anything like that. He just wanted someone to talk to about his problems. He felt abandoned.
Kofi has been a member for 2 years. I can understand his feelings a little, but he should forgive his home teacher. When I had been a member for only 2 years, I went off to become a missionary at my own expense. Kofi should be stronger than he is, but we all grow at different rates. I hope he comes next Sunday. When he learned that he missed General Conference because he was in the hospital, he was disappointed. He did want to see and listen to the Prophet.
Friday, October 3, 2008
back on track
it is 7:30 Am - work meeting on phone in 30 min - must be fast.
Weight is 258 - 7 LBS in 1 week - way too fast. 30 minutes cardio daily is key (based on diet). Will not work out this week to let body catch up. I am 50% of the way towards weight loss goal.
When doing cardio - I do not strain. I keep pulse rate in low 90s. I can speed up pulse rate by breathing through mouth - learned this from former personal trainer. I can slow down pulse rate by breathing in through nose, out through mouth.
After a week plateau - I will try working out only 3 days a week, every other day. We'll see.
Sugar was not the problem with depression. It was the Alpha-Stim. Instructions say to use these stickem disposable circles on surface of electrodes to hold electrolyte solution. I tried using the electrode alone with no padding - the current did not pass through as easily. After 3 days, I could really tell the differrence - I felt terrible.
It is OCT - and I am not feeling the affects of Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. When I was using the Alpha-Stim improperly, I think what I felt was the beginnings of it - it is that time of year. I only moved 5 latitude southward, which was 1/7th of the entire angle (37 degress to 32 degrees). So I should expect to feel some S.A.D. - I was assuming that it would go away - I would have to move much more south to acheive that.
Weight is 258 - 7 LBS in 1 week - way too fast. 30 minutes cardio daily is key (based on diet). Will not work out this week to let body catch up. I am 50% of the way towards weight loss goal.
When doing cardio - I do not strain. I keep pulse rate in low 90s. I can speed up pulse rate by breathing through mouth - learned this from former personal trainer. I can slow down pulse rate by breathing in through nose, out through mouth.
After a week plateau - I will try working out only 3 days a week, every other day. We'll see.
Sugar was not the problem with depression. It was the Alpha-Stim. Instructions say to use these stickem disposable circles on surface of electrodes to hold electrolyte solution. I tried using the electrode alone with no padding - the current did not pass through as easily. After 3 days, I could really tell the differrence - I felt terrible.
It is OCT - and I am not feeling the affects of Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. When I was using the Alpha-Stim improperly, I think what I felt was the beginnings of it - it is that time of year. I only moved 5 latitude southward, which was 1/7th of the entire angle (37 degress to 32 degrees). So I should expect to feel some S.A.D. - I was assuming that it would go away - I would have to move much more south to acheive that.
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