I am home now - and wanted to let you know that I am ok. My sister Linda is here until the 23rd. She is helping me organize my life and teaching me better nutrition.
The weight loss I have been experiencing over the last 3 months was due to anxiety. I felt full when eating only a little food because of nausea induced from anxiety. MNy sensitivity to my body was reduced from depression, so I didn;t recognize what's happening.
Several events all happened udring the same week after General Conference that caused me to lose hope. On Friday 10/10, I was unable to eat and barely able breath. It was a panic attack it would not harm me, but it felt like I was dying.
I am on anti-depressants again. I will probably be on them the rest of my life. I am also taking anti-anxiety medication.
I thought I was doing better, but I crumbled so quickly. Coming to Texas has isolated me even more than before, but I would be in this situation whether I had come to Texas or not. The bottom line is that I am not assertive - I have to develop the ability to resist influence from others.
In my place in life right now, I do not see myself ever being happy again. I feel no pleasure now - not even a glimmer. I live in fear of the future.
I am setting up Short Term Disability now with the help of my primary care physician.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Momentum
I am feeling healthier. I am spending more time and effort at work, but not to excess - gotta keep that in check and not overdo at the office as I have always done. I have taken on a lot of hard assignments, and they are all maturing about the same time, so I do feel rushed.
I need to get better at recognizing how I feel and why I feel that way. I was feeling down last Sunday, but it was because I was tired. I did a very full set of chores that weekend, went to Church for 6 hours and litened to Church meetings for 4 more. I studied gospel doctrine for 90 minutes and spent 2 hours doing missionary work. But I didn;t figure out why I felt so bad until I went to bed - it was then I realized I was tired, not depressed or sad.
I often cannot tell the difference between sad and hungry, tired and depressed, weary and lonely. Why can't I tell the difference?
My therapist told me something that helps - to focus on today - praying for enough health, love and money for today. That helps.
I jsut got back from a dance lesson. These last 2 lessons flew by. I leanred alot tonight. I was feeling a little down before I went in, but I left feeling uplifted and happy.
my spelling sucks now. When I type, I have to go over it very carefully. This has been going on for about a year, maybe more. I think I am going to leave my mis-spellings in my blog from now on.
I need to get better at recognizing how I feel and why I feel that way. I was feeling down last Sunday, but it was because I was tired. I did a very full set of chores that weekend, went to Church for 6 hours and litened to Church meetings for 4 more. I studied gospel doctrine for 90 minutes and spent 2 hours doing missionary work. But I didn;t figure out why I felt so bad until I went to bed - it was then I realized I was tired, not depressed or sad.
I often cannot tell the difference between sad and hungry, tired and depressed, weary and lonely. Why can't I tell the difference?
My therapist told me something that helps - to focus on today - praying for enough health, love and money for today. That helps.
I jsut got back from a dance lesson. These last 2 lessons flew by. I leanred alot tonight. I was feeling a little down before I went in, but I left feeling uplifted and happy.
my spelling sucks now. When I type, I have to go over it very carefully. This has been going on for about a year, maybe more. I think I am going to leave my mis-spellings in my blog from now on.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
General Conference
Twice a year, my church has a conference where all the members of the faith listen to the top leadership in SLC. The central theme for this year was finding faith and hope in times of adversity. The speakers pick their topics independently, yet many spoke to this topic.
I was able to attend all 5 sessions. The Priesthood session was the best I have ever been to. Usually are meetings are not passionate - but this time, it was so passionate, it is hard to describe. Carving out 10 hours on a weekend to attend these meetings was hard. I was able to listen to the first 2 sessions on Saturday over the internet, which helped alot. I flded laundry and made the bed, etc. I tired using the web on the last SUnday session, but the network traffic was so high, I couldn't get it - so I put my tie on and quickly went to the chapel.
I felt somewhat selfish as a result of the conference. So many people, good members of the church, have it so much worse than I. Even in my new growing circle of single friends, my situation is pretty good. Many have no job and/or no medical coverage.
I did a slow vacuuming again this weekend. It takes 90 minutes when I do that. I filled the vacuum canister again. It is not a good comparison to previous weeks, because I actually moved furniture this time to vacuum under it. The canister was filled with twice as much fiber as last week, and still had a 1/4 inch layer of dust in the bottom of the canister.
Eventually, there has to be and end to that grime.
My previous entry about feeling down and out was not due to sugar. The main cause was improper use of my Alpha-Stim. I use a product called "Alpha-Stim" for anxiety and depression. As a result of using this product, I don't have to take anti-depressants. The Alpha-Stim is normally used for physical therapy. When used for depression, one connects the electrodes to the ear lobes, and a micro-amperage current passes through the brain (this is not quackery - it is FDA approved, and is effective).
The connection to the ear lobe is done using something like an alligator clip. The opposing sides of the clip is prepped by placing a small adhesive circular pad on the ends. Then a few drops of conducting solution is placed on each of the 4 pads, to allow the current to readily pass from the electrode to the ear. It is a pain in the butt for me to place those pads - they are so small, it is hard for my large fingers. So I thought I could get my without them - I just put the conducting solution directly on the metal of the electrode. The fluid quickly flows away from the electrode, and the connection was lessened.
I normally use the Alpha-Stim for at least 90 minutes each morning. I have used it for as much as 3 hours a day (but not all at one time). After 3 days of not prepping the clips properly, I got very depressed. It took me about 36 hours to realize that this was my own doing - to associate my behavior with how I was feeling. At first I thought it was diet. Then I thought it was Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. But eventually I realized I just wasn't using the Alpha-Stim correctly. That was the simplest hypothesis - and it proved to be correct.
I went out with the fulltime missionaries after the last session of conference for a couple of hours. I also wrote 2 short religious essays for a book I am putting together. I am going to write a thrid essay, then show the collection to a few friends. Based on the feedback I get form them, I will decide to write more or not.
We visited my friend Kofi today. He has not been to Church for awhile. When I called to see if he wanted a ride to Church today, I found he was in the hospital. His blood pressure got up to 224 yesterday, so they admitted him for overnight observation. Kofi gave us a hint as to why he has stopped coming to Church. When the power to Kofi's apartment was shut off last August, his apartment became an oven. It was cooler for him to sleep on the cement walkway outside of his front door. Kofi called his hometeacher, and he promised he would come by. Then he never came. Kofi was offended. He wasn't asking for money or anything like that. He just wanted someone to talk to about his problems. He felt abandoned.
Kofi has been a member for 2 years. I can understand his feelings a little, but he should forgive his home teacher. When I had been a member for only 2 years, I went off to become a missionary at my own expense. Kofi should be stronger than he is, but we all grow at different rates. I hope he comes next Sunday. When he learned that he missed General Conference because he was in the hospital, he was disappointed. He did want to see and listen to the Prophet.
I was able to attend all 5 sessions. The Priesthood session was the best I have ever been to. Usually are meetings are not passionate - but this time, it was so passionate, it is hard to describe. Carving out 10 hours on a weekend to attend these meetings was hard. I was able to listen to the first 2 sessions on Saturday over the internet, which helped alot. I flded laundry and made the bed, etc. I tired using the web on the last SUnday session, but the network traffic was so high, I couldn't get it - so I put my tie on and quickly went to the chapel.
I felt somewhat selfish as a result of the conference. So many people, good members of the church, have it so much worse than I. Even in my new growing circle of single friends, my situation is pretty good. Many have no job and/or no medical coverage.
I did a slow vacuuming again this weekend. It takes 90 minutes when I do that. I filled the vacuum canister again. It is not a good comparison to previous weeks, because I actually moved furniture this time to vacuum under it. The canister was filled with twice as much fiber as last week, and still had a 1/4 inch layer of dust in the bottom of the canister.
Eventually, there has to be and end to that grime.
My previous entry about feeling down and out was not due to sugar. The main cause was improper use of my Alpha-Stim. I use a product called "Alpha-Stim" for anxiety and depression. As a result of using this product, I don't have to take anti-depressants. The Alpha-Stim is normally used for physical therapy. When used for depression, one connects the electrodes to the ear lobes, and a micro-amperage current passes through the brain (this is not quackery - it is FDA approved, and is effective).
The connection to the ear lobe is done using something like an alligator clip. The opposing sides of the clip is prepped by placing a small adhesive circular pad on the ends. Then a few drops of conducting solution is placed on each of the 4 pads, to allow the current to readily pass from the electrode to the ear. It is a pain in the butt for me to place those pads - they are so small, it is hard for my large fingers. So I thought I could get my without them - I just put the conducting solution directly on the metal of the electrode. The fluid quickly flows away from the electrode, and the connection was lessened.
I normally use the Alpha-Stim for at least 90 minutes each morning. I have used it for as much as 3 hours a day (but not all at one time). After 3 days of not prepping the clips properly, I got very depressed. It took me about 36 hours to realize that this was my own doing - to associate my behavior with how I was feeling. At first I thought it was diet. Then I thought it was Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. But eventually I realized I just wasn't using the Alpha-Stim correctly. That was the simplest hypothesis - and it proved to be correct.
I went out with the fulltime missionaries after the last session of conference for a couple of hours. I also wrote 2 short religious essays for a book I am putting together. I am going to write a thrid essay, then show the collection to a few friends. Based on the feedback I get form them, I will decide to write more or not.
We visited my friend Kofi today. He has not been to Church for awhile. When I called to see if he wanted a ride to Church today, I found he was in the hospital. His blood pressure got up to 224 yesterday, so they admitted him for overnight observation. Kofi gave us a hint as to why he has stopped coming to Church. When the power to Kofi's apartment was shut off last August, his apartment became an oven. It was cooler for him to sleep on the cement walkway outside of his front door. Kofi called his hometeacher, and he promised he would come by. Then he never came. Kofi was offended. He wasn't asking for money or anything like that. He just wanted someone to talk to about his problems. He felt abandoned.
Kofi has been a member for 2 years. I can understand his feelings a little, but he should forgive his home teacher. When I had been a member for only 2 years, I went off to become a missionary at my own expense. Kofi should be stronger than he is, but we all grow at different rates. I hope he comes next Sunday. When he learned that he missed General Conference because he was in the hospital, he was disappointed. He did want to see and listen to the Prophet.
Friday, October 3, 2008
back on track
it is 7:30 Am - work meeting on phone in 30 min - must be fast.
Weight is 258 - 7 LBS in 1 week - way too fast. 30 minutes cardio daily is key (based on diet). Will not work out this week to let body catch up. I am 50% of the way towards weight loss goal.
When doing cardio - I do not strain. I keep pulse rate in low 90s. I can speed up pulse rate by breathing through mouth - learned this from former personal trainer. I can slow down pulse rate by breathing in through nose, out through mouth.
After a week plateau - I will try working out only 3 days a week, every other day. We'll see.
Sugar was not the problem with depression. It was the Alpha-Stim. Instructions say to use these stickem disposable circles on surface of electrodes to hold electrolyte solution. I tried using the electrode alone with no padding - the current did not pass through as easily. After 3 days, I could really tell the differrence - I felt terrible.
It is OCT - and I am not feeling the affects of Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. When I was using the Alpha-Stim improperly, I think what I felt was the beginnings of it - it is that time of year. I only moved 5 latitude southward, which was 1/7th of the entire angle (37 degress to 32 degrees). So I should expect to feel some S.A.D. - I was assuming that it would go away - I would have to move much more south to acheive that.
Weight is 258 - 7 LBS in 1 week - way too fast. 30 minutes cardio daily is key (based on diet). Will not work out this week to let body catch up. I am 50% of the way towards weight loss goal.
When doing cardio - I do not strain. I keep pulse rate in low 90s. I can speed up pulse rate by breathing through mouth - learned this from former personal trainer. I can slow down pulse rate by breathing in through nose, out through mouth.
After a week plateau - I will try working out only 3 days a week, every other day. We'll see.
Sugar was not the problem with depression. It was the Alpha-Stim. Instructions say to use these stickem disposable circles on surface of electrodes to hold electrolyte solution. I tried using the electrode alone with no padding - the current did not pass through as easily. After 3 days, I could really tell the differrence - I felt terrible.
It is OCT - and I am not feeling the affects of Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder. When I was using the Alpha-Stim improperly, I think what I felt was the beginnings of it - it is that time of year. I only moved 5 latitude southward, which was 1/7th of the entire angle (37 degress to 32 degrees). So I should expect to feel some S.A.D. - I was assuming that it would go away - I would have to move much more south to acheive that.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sugar
I know I should have a lot of variety in my diet, but I have so many food allergies, I just eat a few things all the time. And now that I am limiting my calorie intake, there is extra effort in in reading and recording nutrition facts - making a plan to stay under the limits so I can consistently lose weight.
I have a problem with sugar. I tried to switch from Metamucil sweetened with Sucralose (Splenda) to a Target brand sweetened with sucrose (sugar). I had a real bad reaction to the Target brand - I felt awful in my GI tract.
Shortly after moving here, I found that I had a hard time with fruit. When I tried to eat them, they tasted sooo bad. Fuji apples were my favorite, but I couldn't stand them. I keep saying that one of these Fridays, I am going to buy one of several kinds of fruit, and try eating them again, but I never do it.
I have been getting most of my sugar from watermelon. It was the one fruit that I found still tasted good. There might be others, but it was the only one I discovered. Hurricane Ike has caused a shortage of Watermelon, so there was no watermelon last Friday. So I switched to Casaba melon. I really didn't like how it tastes. I used the Casaba melon for 3 days. (I shop on Fridays and Mondays - twice a week, so I always have fresh fruit and veges).
Today, I just felt horrible all day. I couldn't figure out the cause. It was a sinking feeling - very depressing. I fought it all day. They had watermelon in the store today, so I bought some. I made a watermelon smoothie to drink on the way to Dance Class (8PM). By the time Dance Class was over at 9PM, I was feeling great. Obviously, I was not assimilating the sugars from the Casaba melon. Or it did not have as much as the Watermelon. Before Dance class, all I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and cry, now I feel good.
I have a problem with sugar. I tried to switch from Metamucil sweetened with Sucralose (Splenda) to a Target brand sweetened with sucrose (sugar). I had a real bad reaction to the Target brand - I felt awful in my GI tract.
Shortly after moving here, I found that I had a hard time with fruit. When I tried to eat them, they tasted sooo bad. Fuji apples were my favorite, but I couldn't stand them. I keep saying that one of these Fridays, I am going to buy one of several kinds of fruit, and try eating them again, but I never do it.
I have been getting most of my sugar from watermelon. It was the one fruit that I found still tasted good. There might be others, but it was the only one I discovered. Hurricane Ike has caused a shortage of Watermelon, so there was no watermelon last Friday. So I switched to Casaba melon. I really didn't like how it tastes. I used the Casaba melon for 3 days. (I shop on Fridays and Mondays - twice a week, so I always have fresh fruit and veges).
Today, I just felt horrible all day. I couldn't figure out the cause. It was a sinking feeling - very depressing. I fought it all day. They had watermelon in the store today, so I bought some. I made a watermelon smoothie to drink on the way to Dance Class (8PM). By the time Dance Class was over at 9PM, I was feeling great. Obviously, I was not assimilating the sugars from the Casaba melon. Or it did not have as much as the Watermelon. Before Dance class, all I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and cry, now I feel good.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Vacuum 3
This is the amount of grime and fiber my vacuum picked up today. I vacuumed yesterday, and got the same amount of both. That's pretty solid evidence that this is something that has accumulated over time. Both days, I vacuumed very slowly, giving time for the suction to pick up as much as possible for every square inch.
My apartment only has 880 sq ft of visible wall-to-wall carpet. This is totally gross. I imagine all the homes and apartments across america that have wall-to-wall carpeting. I suspect that most apartments and homes have it. We cannot see under it. So we vacuum the surface of the carpet quickly, and go about our day. And since most vacuums don't let you see how much you have vacuumed up, there is no way to judge how much was picked up, and how much may still be left under the rug.
I would never have guessed this, until I bought a vacuum that allowed me to see what was in the canister without opening it.
A Swelling in the Bosom
I have been trying to foster a feeling of well-being throughout the day.
I used to meditate using mantras. It was a mental exercise - keeping my mind focused on one thing, and eventually I would feel real good. It would start with me being aware of my body. Then I would hear a high pitched squeal - it sounds very distance. Then I would have a swelling in my bosom - a feeling of warmth. It would take me 20 minutes to get to the self-awareness, then 20 minutes to get to the burning in the bosom. If I meditated for more than an hour, I would get very hot, and have a light sweat.
My therapist suggested that instead of using a mantra, that I focus my attention on my bosom, how I felt in my heart. He also suggested that I meditate while wearing the alpha-stim on my head. The affect is pretty good. I am able to hear the high-pitched squeal within a few minutes. I liken the alpha-stim to a trickle charge on a battery. Within 5 minutes, I am feeling a stirring in my bosom. So by 20 minutes, I am feeling bouyant. ( I do wear the alpha-stim for at least 90 minutes a day - the meditation comes last, just before I leave for the day).
During the day, when I remember, I focus inward again. I am able to generate the stirring feeling in my bosom while driving and when I take walking breaks at work (I can't sit too long - lumbar starts to hurt). I am beginning to have a sense that I can, through practice, fell like that all the time. That would be wonderful!
There are other effects that I have noticed. I am more aware of my body all the time. I am more sensitive to it's needs. Whenever I eat, I need to floss. I can feel the stuff between my teeth and I don't like it.
I used to meditate using mantras. It was a mental exercise - keeping my mind focused on one thing, and eventually I would feel real good. It would start with me being aware of my body. Then I would hear a high pitched squeal - it sounds very distance. Then I would have a swelling in my bosom - a feeling of warmth. It would take me 20 minutes to get to the self-awareness, then 20 minutes to get to the burning in the bosom. If I meditated for more than an hour, I would get very hot, and have a light sweat.
My therapist suggested that instead of using a mantra, that I focus my attention on my bosom, how I felt in my heart. He also suggested that I meditate while wearing the alpha-stim on my head. The affect is pretty good. I am able to hear the high-pitched squeal within a few minutes. I liken the alpha-stim to a trickle charge on a battery. Within 5 minutes, I am feeling a stirring in my bosom. So by 20 minutes, I am feeling bouyant. ( I do wear the alpha-stim for at least 90 minutes a day - the meditation comes last, just before I leave for the day).
During the day, when I remember, I focus inward again. I am able to generate the stirring feeling in my bosom while driving and when I take walking breaks at work (I can't sit too long - lumbar starts to hurt). I am beginning to have a sense that I can, through practice, fell like that all the time. That would be wonderful!
There are other effects that I have noticed. I am more aware of my body all the time. I am more sensitive to it's needs. Whenever I eat, I need to floss. I can feel the stuff between my teeth and I don't like it.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Vacuum 2
I just vacuumed the apartment again. after the livingroom and the small bedroom, the 9 inch diameter, 9 inch high cylinder was 1/3rd full of fiber. I checked out the filter. Why does a vacuum have a filter on it! This filter is before the stuff goes into the canister. How insane! The filter cavity is so recessed, I cannot see well all the way to the back. So I use a flashlight. Wow! Behind the filter carriage was tightly packed fibers - which I did not clean out last week. It has started backing up into the external hose of the vacuum - so I cleaned that all out. Had to use a set of needle nose plyers to get back that far into the filter caivty.
Then I took the sponge out of the filter slider. I didn't want the vacuum clogging up anymore. I started over at the livingroom. I filled the canister again, just like last week. As I think about it, I think that the rotating brushes in the vacuum intake suction head are actually pulling fibers out of the wall to wall carpet. The fibers do look like cotton - or synthetic - not like hair.
I emptied the canister after doing the whole apartment, and started over in the livingroom a third time. This time I pulled up a chair, and vacuumed a 4 foot by 10 foot section very, very slowly. I filled the canister about 1/10 th full, with a bit of grim and dust, too. So I emptied that, and started over in the same area, vacuuming very, very slowly. This time I got no grime/dust, but I still got a ball of fiber about 3 inches in diameter.
I think I am going to vacuum again tomorrow and try to get as much of this up as possible. Yuck!
Then I took the sponge out of the filter slider. I didn't want the vacuum clogging up anymore. I started over at the livingroom. I filled the canister again, just like last week. As I think about it, I think that the rotating brushes in the vacuum intake suction head are actually pulling fibers out of the wall to wall carpet. The fibers do look like cotton - or synthetic - not like hair.
I emptied the canister after doing the whole apartment, and started over in the livingroom a third time. This time I pulled up a chair, and vacuumed a 4 foot by 10 foot section very, very slowly. I filled the canister about 1/10 th full, with a bit of grim and dust, too. So I emptied that, and started over in the same area, vacuuming very, very slowly. This time I got no grime/dust, but I still got a ball of fiber about 3 inches in diameter.
I think I am going to vacuum again tomorrow and try to get as much of this up as possible. Yuck!
Stalled
OK - It's Firday, and I weighed myself this morning instead of at night. Something was telling me to wait until tonight, but I didn't. I lost no weight this week. Still at 265 LBS.
Here is what was different this week - I decided to lose weight slower, so I allowed my self to eat more - not a lot more - minimal. The only excesses were a small plate of normal food at a Singles Dance I attended last Saturday night, and a pre-packaged sushi lunch on Tuesday. I don't think it was the food.
It was lack of exercise. I only did Cardio Exercises 1 day last week - on last Friday. On Saturday, I got home too late after the Dance, so did not do it. On Sunday, I was flushing out my colon and had to stay home. The rest of the week, I was not able to take my NSAID to control pain, so I did not exercise, so as not to aggravate my colon, in the hopes I would sleep better. Last Night was the first night I could take all my pain medications when I went to bed.
So, this week, I will work out. I was migrating towards a mind set that if it was too late at night, I would not workout, so that I could consistently get up at 7 AM. I have to decide which is more important - regular sleep habit, or weight loss. I choose weight loss.
So when I get home from a meeting or activity at 9:30 PM, I will still workout. I have something like that 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes 4. FOr me, working out is 30 minutes, plus cool off time - I can't take a shower until I cool off - and sometimes that takes a long time. I strip off all my clothes to speed that up, but it takes a long time. It is difficult to be ready for bed by 11 PM.
Here is what was different this week - I decided to lose weight slower, so I allowed my self to eat more - not a lot more - minimal. The only excesses were a small plate of normal food at a Singles Dance I attended last Saturday night, and a pre-packaged sushi lunch on Tuesday. I don't think it was the food.
It was lack of exercise. I only did Cardio Exercises 1 day last week - on last Friday. On Saturday, I got home too late after the Dance, so did not do it. On Sunday, I was flushing out my colon and had to stay home. The rest of the week, I was not able to take my NSAID to control pain, so I did not exercise, so as not to aggravate my colon, in the hopes I would sleep better. Last Night was the first night I could take all my pain medications when I went to bed.
So, this week, I will work out. I was migrating towards a mind set that if it was too late at night, I would not workout, so that I could consistently get up at 7 AM. I have to decide which is more important - regular sleep habit, or weight loss. I choose weight loss.
So when I get home from a meeting or activity at 9:30 PM, I will still workout. I have something like that 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes 4. FOr me, working out is 30 minutes, plus cool off time - I can't take a shower until I cool off - and sometimes that takes a long time. I strip off all my clothes to speed that up, but it takes a long time. It is difficult to be ready for bed by 11 PM.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Results & Planning
The Colonoscopy went find - my colon is squeaky clean. They only found 1 polyp, and it was clean (although not yet confirmed by tests). Dr. Edling said that from his experience, there was nothing to worry about - and he would see me again in 5 years.
I spoke with a friend about retirement planning last Saturday, and we talked about Florida. He told me to look into Southern Texas, especially Corpus Christi. The cost of living would be much less, and there is a lot more variety of fresh vegetables in Texas than Florida. I might take a trip down there to check it out someday.
I spoke with a friend about retirement planning last Saturday, and we talked about Florida. He told me to look into Southern Texas, especially Corpus Christi. The cost of living would be much less, and there is a lot more variety of fresh vegetables in Texas than Florida. I might take a trip down there to check it out someday.
Lest we forget how fragile we are
What a horrible night! In a few hours, I will be getting a colonoscopy. I was on a clear liquid diet all Sunday, and fasting since midnight. I am handling the fast fine - it is the restrictions on my medication that are hurting me. Because of the possibility of needing anesthesia during the exam, I was not allowed to take 2 of my night-time medicines: Lyrica for pain and Zolpidem to help me sleep.
My joints hurt all night. I went to bed at 10:00 PM, but did not fall asleep until 3 AM. At 6 Am, Silly woke me up wanting to be petted. She woke me by licking inside my elbow. I was upset with her, and pushed her away. Putty came in multiple times during the night wanting to scratch his nails on the box srings (probably because it is the only cloth ocvered piece of furniture I have, and he is a very nervous cat).
I feel totally drained, and the lack of food is affecting my mood. I was easily able to forgive the cats. I am struggling internally. Old habits are wanting to be depressed, to think that nothing will improve, that no woman will ever love me or want me again because of my health restrictins, etc. new habits ocunter that, pointing to my successes in the past, and my recent successes, which are not trivial.
I can do things that most people can;t do, even now that I am old and when I am not 100% well. After I washed myself up this morning, I looked into my bloodshot eyes in the mirror, and spontaneously thought "I love you". I did it several times, and finished by saying it verbally. I wasn't just saying it, I felt it - I meant it.
Part of me said: it would be so easy now to have them find cancer in my colon and then die. The pain and loneliness would be over. That isn't going to happen.
Through this, I have decided to go to the Temple every week now, on Tuesdays. it is just 20 minutes from my home. Can't do it tomorrow, though. It's my turn to go out with the missionaries. My purpose in going to the Temple is to become passionate, and to know what it is I want - and to truly want what I say I want.
Yesteray, I discovered my poor friend Kofi has no food. He is an old man from Ghana. His hometeacher is unconcerned. He filled out a food order form for Kofi to the Bishop's storehouse 2 weeks ago, but left it to Kofi to go get it. Kofi has no car nor money. His nephew ran away. Everyone is leaving it to me to get info on Kofi. I could not find Kofi at home. He had no power, so I could not call him on the phone. His accent is so strong, I cannot understand what he says. It took me several times to realize Kofi had nothing to eat. I went home and brought him food from my pantry. I will take him tothe Bishop's storehouse Tuesday. The only reason I was able to help Kofi is because he lost his apartment, and was sharing a room with a friend - so he had access to electricity, and could charge up his phone - so I was able to learn his new apartment number.
My joints hurt all night. I went to bed at 10:00 PM, but did not fall asleep until 3 AM. At 6 Am, Silly woke me up wanting to be petted. She woke me by licking inside my elbow. I was upset with her, and pushed her away. Putty came in multiple times during the night wanting to scratch his nails on the box srings (probably because it is the only cloth ocvered piece of furniture I have, and he is a very nervous cat).
I feel totally drained, and the lack of food is affecting my mood. I was easily able to forgive the cats. I am struggling internally. Old habits are wanting to be depressed, to think that nothing will improve, that no woman will ever love me or want me again because of my health restrictins, etc. new habits ocunter that, pointing to my successes in the past, and my recent successes, which are not trivial.
I can do things that most people can;t do, even now that I am old and when I am not 100% well. After I washed myself up this morning, I looked into my bloodshot eyes in the mirror, and spontaneously thought "I love you". I did it several times, and finished by saying it verbally. I wasn't just saying it, I felt it - I meant it.
Part of me said: it would be so easy now to have them find cancer in my colon and then die. The pain and loneliness would be over. That isn't going to happen.
Through this, I have decided to go to the Temple every week now, on Tuesdays. it is just 20 minutes from my home. Can't do it tomorrow, though. It's my turn to go out with the missionaries. My purpose in going to the Temple is to become passionate, and to know what it is I want - and to truly want what I say I want.
Yesteray, I discovered my poor friend Kofi has no food. He is an old man from Ghana. His hometeacher is unconcerned. He filled out a food order form for Kofi to the Bishop's storehouse 2 weeks ago, but left it to Kofi to go get it. Kofi has no car nor money. His nephew ran away. Everyone is leaving it to me to get info on Kofi. I could not find Kofi at home. He had no power, so I could not call him on the phone. His accent is so strong, I cannot understand what he says. It took me several times to realize Kofi had nothing to eat. I went home and brought him food from my pantry. I will take him tothe Bishop's storehouse Tuesday. The only reason I was able to help Kofi is because he lost his apartment, and was sharing a room with a friend - so he had access to electricity, and could charge up his phone - so I was able to learn his new apartment number.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Vacuuming
I have been wanting to make an entry on this topic for awhile, but was avoiding it because it shows how lazy or down I have been. I went a long time before I started vacuuming regularly in my new apartment. It has only been the last 2 months where I felt like I had the energy to vacuum, so now I do it every week.
2 Saturdays ago, I noticed the vacuum wasn't working well, so I investigated. It was FILLED with fiber. The vacuum has an interesting design, lots of tubing. The entire vacuum, from the suction foot to the holding tank was completely full, tightly packed with fiber and grey dust. I bought the vacuum as a kit, so I took it apart, cleaned the entire thing out, and put it back together.
Yesterday was the first time using the vacuum since I cleaned it. When done, the holding tank was full of fiber and gery dust - but it wasn't tightly packed. The holding tank is a cylindrical drum that is 9 iunches across and 9 inches high. I made sure to choose the setting which is one above "bare floor", and I vacuumed slowly so that it would pick up as much as possible. I have been grooming Silly every day to eliminate her as a possible source of the fiber. I only have 3 small rooms. Where is all this fiber coming from?
I think it is a build up of rug fibers over the years. If previous tenants did not vacuum much, and did it quickly, a layer of silt builds up. In our first home, when we upgraded the carpets, I was shocked when we piulled up the old carpet. There was a layer of dust under the carpet that was a quarter of an inch thick. Our vacuum wasn't picking it up. Since then I have tried several vacuum types to see if I can control this better.
Since I cleaned out the vacuum, I have noticed a big improvement in the air quality in the apartment. I will keep this practice up until the amount of fiber and dust in the tank drops. I cannot believe that my 2 cats and I are creating that much junk on the floor. It has to be historical buildup.
2 Saturdays ago, I noticed the vacuum wasn't working well, so I investigated. It was FILLED with fiber. The vacuum has an interesting design, lots of tubing. The entire vacuum, from the suction foot to the holding tank was completely full, tightly packed with fiber and grey dust. I bought the vacuum as a kit, so I took it apart, cleaned the entire thing out, and put it back together.
Yesterday was the first time using the vacuum since I cleaned it. When done, the holding tank was full of fiber and gery dust - but it wasn't tightly packed. The holding tank is a cylindrical drum that is 9 iunches across and 9 inches high. I made sure to choose the setting which is one above "bare floor", and I vacuumed slowly so that it would pick up as much as possible. I have been grooming Silly every day to eliminate her as a possible source of the fiber. I only have 3 small rooms. Where is all this fiber coming from?
I think it is a build up of rug fibers over the years. If previous tenants did not vacuum much, and did it quickly, a layer of silt builds up. In our first home, when we upgraded the carpets, I was shocked when we piulled up the old carpet. There was a layer of dust under the carpet that was a quarter of an inch thick. Our vacuum wasn't picking it up. Since then I have tried several vacuum types to see if I can control this better.
Since I cleaned out the vacuum, I have noticed a big improvement in the air quality in the apartment. I will keep this practice up until the amount of fiber and dust in the tank drops. I cannot believe that my 2 cats and I are creating that much junk on the floor. It has to be historical buildup.
Friday, September 19, 2008
weight Loss is too fast
I am down to 265 LBS. 5 LBS in one week. definitely too fast. I am going to slow it down. I want to lose 55 LBS more. 2 LBS a week is 28 weeks - 7 months. I can wait that long.
My waist has decreased enough that I have to buy new clothes. I am going to buy slowly. I am hoping I continue to get 10$ off coupons from Casual Male XL - they come in the mail. all my blue jeans are way too big now - so I am wearing casual slacks all the time.
Today was a strange day - I went to work, but I really didn't want to be there. It was all I could do to make myself stay.
I am learning Google Sketchup and ASL slowly. I am enjoying it.
My waist has decreased enough that I have to buy new clothes. I am going to buy slowly. I am hoping I continue to get 10$ off coupons from Casual Male XL - they come in the mail. all my blue jeans are way too big now - so I am wearing casual slacks all the time.
Today was a strange day - I went to work, but I really didn't want to be there. It was all I could do to make myself stay.
I am learning Google Sketchup and ASL slowly. I am enjoying it.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Do I like Ike?
It is 2PM. Hurricane Ike is 120 miles away, having traveled 90 miles over land. The winds have slowed from 100 MPH to 60 MPH. The rain started 1 hour ago - it is just another rainly day so far. I've done my shopping - got a little wet. Ike is traveling at 16 MPH, so we have about an hour before the edge of the hurricane reaches us.
It is now 6PM. Ike is passing on the east side. it is 90 miles away (70 miles to the east), and the winds have slowed to 45 miles perhour. It is moving north at 20 MPH. All we have is light rain now. Ike was a Category 5 hurricane when it reached land, but now it's not even a category 1.
It is now 6PM. Ike is passing on the east side. it is 90 miles away (70 miles to the east), and the winds have slowed to 45 miles perhour. It is moving north at 20 MPH. All we have is light rain now. Ike was a Category 5 hurricane when it reached land, but now it's not even a category 1.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Identity Theft
Someone stole my identity today. I got a call at 1PM from a financial institution that suspected that the transaction was fraudulent. The transaction was cancelled when I confirmed that I had not done it, and I immediately went home and changed all my passwords. I want to monitor the activity, but I am afraid of logging back in in case there is a phishing virus on my system. I have reconnected my modem long enough to make this entry, then I will disconnect for a few days.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Take it slow
I was feeling pretty good today, and my mind was very clear. as a result, I diud too much at work and wore myself out. I was able to clean up a data model that I will be updating in the future with new tables. In reviewing the model, I saw that it was in VERY BAD SHAPE. So I contacted our technical lead, and asked permission to clean it up. He was happy to allow this. I figured out a way to do it very quickly and easily.
As a group, we have needed a way to work independently of a common repository of data models, so we could work at home, and then upload our changes to the repository and have it sync up our file with the structure of the data model in the repository, and do version control as well. The obvious way to do this in our toolset does not work. It allows the update, but you lose all your versioning, and many other serious losses. It took me 3 hours of study and experimentation to figure out how to do it. This is what I used to routinely do (5 years ago) and it felt good to be able to do it again. The 3 hours was not at a leisurely pace - I was working fast. If I had done it at a comfortable pace, it would have taken 2 days. I wrote up a tutorial and published it to the team.
Then I went home - very tired.
I bought an umbrella to keep in my laptop case so I would not be caught running in the rain again. I also retrofitted a plastic bag to fit over my laptop case when I use the extended handle and wheels on the bottom of the case. I bought a scale, too. Now that I am 280 LBS, using a scale at home is reasonable. At that weight, it won't be accurate for very long because my weight will compress the spring that is the active mechanism in the scale. But I will continue to lose weight. And the scale was on sale.
As a group, we have needed a way to work independently of a common repository of data models, so we could work at home, and then upload our changes to the repository and have it sync up our file with the structure of the data model in the repository, and do version control as well. The obvious way to do this in our toolset does not work. It allows the update, but you lose all your versioning, and many other serious losses. It took me 3 hours of study and experimentation to figure out how to do it. This is what I used to routinely do (5 years ago) and it felt good to be able to do it again. The 3 hours was not at a leisurely pace - I was working fast. If I had done it at a comfortable pace, it would have taken 2 days. I wrote up a tutorial and published it to the team.
Then I went home - very tired.
I bought an umbrella to keep in my laptop case so I would not be caught running in the rain again. I also retrofitted a plastic bag to fit over my laptop case when I use the extended handle and wheels on the bottom of the case. I bought a scale, too. Now that I am 280 LBS, using a scale at home is reasonable. At that weight, it won't be accurate for very long because my weight will compress the spring that is the active mechanism in the scale. But I will continue to lose weight. And the scale was on sale.
CTR
In my faith, CTR stands for "Choose The Right". Children in my faith learn this at an early age, about a decade before they learn the political ocncept that right is conservative and left is liberal. This political spectrum takes it's meaning from early european lore, loosely based on Judeo-Christian teachings from the Bible. I wonder if focusing on "CTR" so early in life is the reason for the statistic of a high correlation between Mormons and being a Republican - it's 70%. Jews are 70% Democratic. These are the extremes of most faiths in America.
The concept of right/left having the meaning of good/bad is not in Asian lore (I think). In Asian countries, wehre there is political freedom, I wonder how the generations of Mormons born in the faith line-up with conservative/liberal polotical beliefs
The concept of right/left having the meaning of good/bad is not in Asian lore (I think). In Asian countries, wehre there is political freedom, I wonder how the generations of Mormons born in the faith line-up with conservative/liberal polotical beliefs
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Momentum
I had a great day at work yesterday - I got a lot done, and I had some good non-work related conversations. I fiorgot to take my morning meds yesterday - so BP is high today.
I have a product called the Alpha-Stim which I use instead of antidepressant drugs. I use it for 90 minutes each morning. My medical doctor said that it would do no harm to me. My psychologist was very familiar with it, and was going to suggest I get one. He was amazed that I already knew about it and had one. He said that I could use it for much longer each day - suggesting 3 hours. So last night, I had the idea that I could use it twice a day. So I used it for an hour when I got home from work. Wow - that really helped. I was in such a happy mood. I am going to continue to do that.
In my calorie counting plan, I allow myself to eat half of a small watermelon a day. I actually wasn't eating the whole thing. My stomach has shrunk to the point that I feel full after I have eaten 1/4 of the watermelon. I was throwing the rest away, but now I scrape out the melon, and blend it to make a fruit smoothie. I use the smoothie at 2PM, when the body sugar level drops each day. That has really helped me at work.
I weighed myself last night. The comlex gym scale had been re-adjusted to zero. So it is inaccurate again. So I have no idea if I have lost weight or not. I go in for a coloniscopy on the 22nd, but I doubt they will weigh me. Where does one go to weigh themselves - the YMCA?
I'm not going to waste money on a home scale again - I know that they do not work for me.
I have a product called the Alpha-Stim which I use instead of antidepressant drugs. I use it for 90 minutes each morning. My medical doctor said that it would do no harm to me. My psychologist was very familiar with it, and was going to suggest I get one. He was amazed that I already knew about it and had one. He said that I could use it for much longer each day - suggesting 3 hours. So last night, I had the idea that I could use it twice a day. So I used it for an hour when I got home from work. Wow - that really helped. I was in such a happy mood. I am going to continue to do that.
In my calorie counting plan, I allow myself to eat half of a small watermelon a day. I actually wasn't eating the whole thing. My stomach has shrunk to the point that I feel full after I have eaten 1/4 of the watermelon. I was throwing the rest away, but now I scrape out the melon, and blend it to make a fruit smoothie. I use the smoothie at 2PM, when the body sugar level drops each day. That has really helped me at work.
I weighed myself last night. The comlex gym scale had been re-adjusted to zero. So it is inaccurate again. So I have no idea if I have lost weight or not. I go in for a coloniscopy on the 22nd, but I doubt they will weigh me. Where does one go to weigh themselves - the YMCA?
I'm not going to waste money on a home scale again - I know that they do not work for me.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Second Dance Lesson
That's right - I am taking dance lessons. I have always wanted to, and I found some place that was really inexpensive. Once I get comfortable, I will start going to the free group lessons. I am doing OK. I am able to keep in time, keep my feet moving correctly, and talk at the same time. I actually did a partner turn where I was dancing backwards. I enjoy my lessons.
I have been studying a free tool from Google called SketchUp. It is really well written software - the GUI is very good. I found out today that it can be used for making animation. So Insanity Claus is back-in-business. I never got an answer back from hash.com if Animation master works on Windows Vista. BTW - DON'T GET WINDOWS VISTA. It sucks. I am so unhappy with it, I am switching back to Macs when I get my next computer after using windows for 10 years.
I am getting better control of my sleep habits and I have higher energy levels during the day. I am getting more done around the apartment and getting more done at work. The brain is still rather slow somedays - things that should be obvious sometimes take several minutes to sink in. My hearing seems to be getting worse - and I am having a harder time understanding people with accents.
I have been studying a free tool from Google called SketchUp. It is really well written software - the GUI is very good. I found out today that it can be used for making animation. So Insanity Claus is back-in-business. I never got an answer back from hash.com if Animation master works on Windows Vista. BTW - DON'T GET WINDOWS VISTA. It sucks. I am so unhappy with it, I am switching back to Macs when I get my next computer after using windows for 10 years.
I am getting better control of my sleep habits and I have higher energy levels during the day. I am getting more done around the apartment and getting more done at work. The brain is still rather slow somedays - things that should be obvious sometimes take several minutes to sink in. My hearing seems to be getting worse - and I am having a harder time understanding people with accents.
Friday, August 29, 2008
I am guessing the mechanic's name is Nick.
I didn't get a picture, but saw another business that had a mixed-cultural name: Sushi Loco.
I am down to 286 LBS. I have tuned the scale in the apartment Gym to read the correct weight. it isn't perfect. The 2 data points are zero and my weight. The scale has no adjustable feet to make sure it is level, and it is slightly off. So I tuned it to my weight range. It will be about 10 LBS off for people under 200 LBS. They can buy a home scale. I have tried many, and NO scale made for home use is accurate over 250 LBS.
I was able to work at home 2 days this week. I had some large scale design work, and the data all resided on my laptop. I made the mistake of using a security cable the company provided me when I got to my new office. I lost the key on the second day. The mistake was - there was no backup key. So I had to buy a $15 dollar tool to cut the cable and a hack saw for $6 to remove the lock from the laptop. it was extremely easy to cut through the lock.
I have not been working a full day for a long time. I get too tired. I was really interested in the design work I did today. Not that it had any depth, it just felt good to get absorbed into a complex puzzle. But it wore me out and I felt depressed. I watched a few cartoons, and it made me feel better.
The affect cartoons have on me is interesting. I cannot predict which one will lift me more, it differs from day to day. Today - it was Freakazoid! Lately, the Tick has been my favorite. I am putting Futurama down for a bit, and I am going to shuffle in some "Invader Zim". I am waiting for Dexter's lab and Powerpufff Girls to arrive.
I feel like my mind is getting clearer and I am starting to understand more about how to do my job. One thing I do know is that almost everyone I work with is in over their head. They are not trained and they have little esperience. There are a lot of mistakes at the surface level - obvious things if you force yourself to look at each thing closely. There are also some really bad fundamental errors, like not preserving the uniqueness of keys in a database. There is too much of that - it will either cause the organization to get disbanded, or it will ensure more money later to fix it all. I am a good fixer, so that's probably why I am in that group.
I am monitoring my calorie intake based on an online calorie calculator. It has been a week, and it has not been hard to stick to it. One reason I am having an easier time than most is my food allergies. I can't eat most carbs. I am typically under count on carbs, even with the large carb gram count in the oatmeal I eat every morning.
Friday, August 22, 2008
What a week!
I just saw "The Dark Knight" for a second time. Also lost my cell phone for the second time - but realized I must have lost it in the theater. The next showing had not yet started. I was able to find it with the help of another patron - who called my number for me. I had arrived late to the theater, so I did not put the phone on vibrate. I had been looking for the phone on the gorund under the seats with a flashlight. The phone was lodged between the armrest and the seat!
So tomorrow, I find a new way to carry my phone. I don't wear a belt - so the only thing I can think of is around the neck. I don't have room in my breast pocket (keep the wallet there now so I don't have to sit on it - to help the lumbar). I used to keep it in a zippered pocket of a vest, but I don't wear those anymore - too hot in Texas.
I decided to stop eating meat this week. My diet has been very pure these last 2 months. I cut out ALL junk. I get all the nutrients I need from Spirulina, which I have been using for over a year - 10 grams a day. That, plus the Omega 3 fatty-acids, would be enough to keep me alive. I have been eating a portion of meat a day, about half the size of my fist, and vegetables and 1 serving of fruit a day. I was losing weight, but very slowly. I want to accelerate it, so I tried the experiment Wednesday. The plan was to cut my intake of meat in half, but when it came to execution, I decided to go all the way.
I was a vegetarian for 2 years several years ago. I was working at Adobe, so it was at least 10 years ago. I stopped doing it because during that 2 years I lost my creativity, and it was essential to my job. Most of my higher analytical abilities were curbed during that period. I couldn't afford it. Now that my job is less demanding, I thought I'd try again. The first 2 days saw really low awareness, but today I feel enlightened. I am thinking very clearly. And I panic less - when I lost my cell phone, I was concerned, but only a little. I was more interested in finding it rather than worrying about it, and I wasn't in a hurry about it.
So my daily diet consists of Steel Cut oatmeal, a plain salad at lunch (ice berg and romaine and vinegar-based dressing), 10 grams of spirulina, 15 grams of Omega 3 fatty-acids from fish oil, and half a melon. If I need carbs, I eat a frozen beef tamale. I buy a mexican brand which has NO ADDITIVES. so technically I am not a vegetarian all the way.
I bought a new brand of dietary fiber so I could have a supply at home and at work. I got the new one from Target. I took the Metamucil to work. The ingredient lists were the same, except MEtamucil used aspartame and Target used Sucrose. Sucrose is sugar. The target brand made me very ill. I am sure the amount I used did not have more than one teaspoon of sugar. The microbes in my intestines loved it. It finally got out of my system today - no more bloating and soreness. I replaced the Target brand with a Metamucil product with no sweetener at all.
Tuesday Night I was filled with loneliness. It was unbearable. It was far worse than the night they told me that my wife was going to die. I pleaded with God to take this away - I couldn't stand it. I feel better today. I watch several cartoons a day - it helps alot. I don't have cable. I am collecting my favorite cartoon series.
I am feeling myself get stronger and better. Today, I could feel the beginnings of support from the torso. I could feel the support from the front of the rib cage, holding my upper body mass up. It makes me walk differently. It's hard to describe.
I started dance lessons this week. It was a lot of fun. I was actually able to dance and talk at the same time. Next lesson is 4 SEP.
There is a LDS Singles conference in the first week of November. I will be attending.
The Neti Pot is a great invention, I use it at least twice a day. It really cleans out the nose, which is where most of my congestion problems were (not in the sinus). It also allowed me to make an important discovery (which i will get to in a lter paragraph).
Growing up, I always woke up with a thick coat of flem on my tongue. I just thought that was how it was. Later in life, I assumed it was due to airborne allergies. I learned that flem was a defense mechanism, protecting the body from poisons. I had blood tests a few years ago for food allergies, and discovered that I have many. As soon as I stopped using those products, the coating on my tongue was greatly reduced, but not gone.
I made it a goal to find the cause of that last remaining irritant, but I did so by envisioning it. This is a technique where one envisions the goal every day as if it already has happened, and feels gratitude for it. It does not involve figuring out how to solve it or attain the goal. The solution comes to you.
Now that I use the Neti Pot, my flem runs clear. Up until the last 2 weeks, I have never had a runny nose where the discharge was clear fluid - it has always been thick and yellow/green. as a result, the nose and sinus have been insensitive, because it was always covered up. Now that it is clearer, I can feel in there.
As I ate my oatmeal, I notice a quick reaction. My sinus' were produces clear flem. It was reacting to something. I guessed it was the sweetener, so I stopped using it. My tongue got even clearer. The sweetener is Stevia - it is now on the forbidden list. I have done some research to look for some replacements. Sucralose (Splenda) is even worse than sucrose when it comes to feeding microbes in the intestines - so I am going to stay away from that. I am going to try honey first - maybe multiple brands. The flavor of honey depends on the type of flowers the bees harvested.
I have tracked my weight loss for the last 5 weeks: 289, 286, 282, 279, 268. These numbers come from the scale in the apartment gym - which is a balance scale. I was weighed at the medical clinc yesterday, and it said I was 291, so there is a 23 LBS difference between the scales. The Medical office said I weighed 305 last May - so according to them, I lost 14 LBS in 3 months. I think my weight went up from May, and I have only been losing weight since I got back from the wedding (6 weeks). I am sure I am losing weight more than 2 LBS a week - a lot more. Is it too fast? don't know. DId I really lose 11 LBS in one week - not sure, but I know it was more than 5 LBS.
So tomorrow, I find a new way to carry my phone. I don't wear a belt - so the only thing I can think of is around the neck. I don't have room in my breast pocket (keep the wallet there now so I don't have to sit on it - to help the lumbar). I used to keep it in a zippered pocket of a vest, but I don't wear those anymore - too hot in Texas.
I decided to stop eating meat this week. My diet has been very pure these last 2 months. I cut out ALL junk. I get all the nutrients I need from Spirulina, which I have been using for over a year - 10 grams a day. That, plus the Omega 3 fatty-acids, would be enough to keep me alive. I have been eating a portion of meat a day, about half the size of my fist, and vegetables and 1 serving of fruit a day. I was losing weight, but very slowly. I want to accelerate it, so I tried the experiment Wednesday. The plan was to cut my intake of meat in half, but when it came to execution, I decided to go all the way.
I was a vegetarian for 2 years several years ago. I was working at Adobe, so it was at least 10 years ago. I stopped doing it because during that 2 years I lost my creativity, and it was essential to my job. Most of my higher analytical abilities were curbed during that period. I couldn't afford it. Now that my job is less demanding, I thought I'd try again. The first 2 days saw really low awareness, but today I feel enlightened. I am thinking very clearly. And I panic less - when I lost my cell phone, I was concerned, but only a little. I was more interested in finding it rather than worrying about it, and I wasn't in a hurry about it.
So my daily diet consists of Steel Cut oatmeal, a plain salad at lunch (ice berg and romaine and vinegar-based dressing), 10 grams of spirulina, 15 grams of Omega 3 fatty-acids from fish oil, and half a melon. If I need carbs, I eat a frozen beef tamale. I buy a mexican brand which has NO ADDITIVES. so technically I am not a vegetarian all the way.
I bought a new brand of dietary fiber so I could have a supply at home and at work. I got the new one from Target. I took the Metamucil to work. The ingredient lists were the same, except MEtamucil used aspartame and Target used Sucrose. Sucrose is sugar. The target brand made me very ill. I am sure the amount I used did not have more than one teaspoon of sugar. The microbes in my intestines loved it. It finally got out of my system today - no more bloating and soreness. I replaced the Target brand with a Metamucil product with no sweetener at all.
Tuesday Night I was filled with loneliness. It was unbearable. It was far worse than the night they told me that my wife was going to die. I pleaded with God to take this away - I couldn't stand it. I feel better today. I watch several cartoons a day - it helps alot. I don't have cable. I am collecting my favorite cartoon series.
I am feeling myself get stronger and better. Today, I could feel the beginnings of support from the torso. I could feel the support from the front of the rib cage, holding my upper body mass up. It makes me walk differently. It's hard to describe.
I started dance lessons this week. It was a lot of fun. I was actually able to dance and talk at the same time. Next lesson is 4 SEP.
There is a LDS Singles conference in the first week of November. I will be attending.
The Neti Pot is a great invention, I use it at least twice a day. It really cleans out the nose, which is where most of my congestion problems were (not in the sinus). It also allowed me to make an important discovery (which i will get to in a lter paragraph).
Growing up, I always woke up with a thick coat of flem on my tongue. I just thought that was how it was. Later in life, I assumed it was due to airborne allergies. I learned that flem was a defense mechanism, protecting the body from poisons. I had blood tests a few years ago for food allergies, and discovered that I have many. As soon as I stopped using those products, the coating on my tongue was greatly reduced, but not gone.
I made it a goal to find the cause of that last remaining irritant, but I did so by envisioning it. This is a technique where one envisions the goal every day as if it already has happened, and feels gratitude for it. It does not involve figuring out how to solve it or attain the goal. The solution comes to you.
Now that I use the Neti Pot, my flem runs clear. Up until the last 2 weeks, I have never had a runny nose where the discharge was clear fluid - it has always been thick and yellow/green. as a result, the nose and sinus have been insensitive, because it was always covered up. Now that it is clearer, I can feel in there.
As I ate my oatmeal, I notice a quick reaction. My sinus' were produces clear flem. It was reacting to something. I guessed it was the sweetener, so I stopped using it. My tongue got even clearer. The sweetener is Stevia - it is now on the forbidden list. I have done some research to look for some replacements. Sucralose (Splenda) is even worse than sucrose when it comes to feeding microbes in the intestines - so I am going to stay away from that. I am going to try honey first - maybe multiple brands. The flavor of honey depends on the type of flowers the bees harvested.
I have tracked my weight loss for the last 5 weeks: 289, 286, 282, 279, 268. These numbers come from the scale in the apartment gym - which is a balance scale. I was weighed at the medical clinc yesterday, and it said I was 291, so there is a 23 LBS difference between the scales. The Medical office said I weighed 305 last May - so according to them, I lost 14 LBS in 3 months. I think my weight went up from May, and I have only been losing weight since I got back from the wedding (6 weeks). I am sure I am losing weight more than 2 LBS a week - a lot more. Is it too fast? don't know. DId I really lose 11 LBS in one week - not sure, but I know it was more than 5 LBS.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Larry as Magneto from the X-men
The LDS Singles are having a Superhero-Supervillian party, so I decided to go (as a supervillian, of course).
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Good Day
I had a good day. I woke up after only 7 hours asleep, and felt ready for the day. I got to work earlier than normal, and put in a longer day than normal. I got a lot done, even though I had to rest in my car in the middle of the day. I felt upbeat all day. My BP readings were very good, too.
I decided 2 things this morning: I am going to lose weight and I am going to strengthen my core muscles. I need to slow or stop the further nerve cell loss in my lumbar. The only way to do that is to lessen the effect of the weight of my upper body mass - so I lose weight. I started Pilates again this morning in order to strengthen the core muscles, and take the burden off of my lumbar. I am taking this seriously. I have been very good about my diet for the last 3 weeks, so I am going to keep it up. I also spent time today memorizing the names and order of the basic 7 Pilates exercises, so I can do them without constantly glancing at paper to know what to do. I also decided to do 30 minutes of cardio everyday (or at least 5 times a week).
I did some web research today, and was very encouraged. In Sep 2007, a Canadian Research team successfully caused spinal nerve cell growth in rats using stem cells from their own skin. It will take 15 years for this to make it to general medical practice. But it is also possible for my own stem cells to wander down to the right spot and fix me up. That can happen, too, perhaps a lot faster than 15 years.
I decided 2 things this morning: I am going to lose weight and I am going to strengthen my core muscles. I need to slow or stop the further nerve cell loss in my lumbar. The only way to do that is to lessen the effect of the weight of my upper body mass - so I lose weight. I started Pilates again this morning in order to strengthen the core muscles, and take the burden off of my lumbar. I am taking this seriously. I have been very good about my diet for the last 3 weeks, so I am going to keep it up. I also spent time today memorizing the names and order of the basic 7 Pilates exercises, so I can do them without constantly glancing at paper to know what to do. I also decided to do 30 minutes of cardio everyday (or at least 5 times a week).
I did some web research today, and was very encouraged. In Sep 2007, a Canadian Research team successfully caused spinal nerve cell growth in rats using stem cells from their own skin. It will take 15 years for this to make it to general medical practice. But it is also possible for my own stem cells to wander down to the right spot and fix me up. That can happen, too, perhaps a lot faster than 15 years.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Lumbar Jack
A spine specialist told me today that I have 3 severely herniated discs in the lower lumbar. This is normal wear and tear, but is more advanced at my age because of my height, the length of my spine (my in-seam is average size), and my higher than average upper body mass.
This has caused nerve cell loss in the spinal cord. Although discs can regenerate, these nerve cells do not regenerate. The damage is permanent.
I will be getting a cortisone shot to the spine on 21 AUG.
This is just for pain relief - it will not slow down the degeneration.
Losing weight will help - My wieght increased to 305 since I moved to Texas, but is now at 285. I have been real good about avoiding junk food since I got back from Jennie's wedding.
I also will start Pilates again - using muscles to support my weight will slow the degeneration. It is all due to the weight of my upper body (and the sedentary career I choose).
I have considered having a brainectomy to lessen upper body mass, but decided that I really do enjoy thinking, so I won't do that...
This has caused nerve cell loss in the spinal cord. Although discs can regenerate, these nerve cells do not regenerate. The damage is permanent.
I will be getting a cortisone shot to the spine on 21 AUG.
This is just for pain relief - it will not slow down the degeneration.
Losing weight will help - My wieght increased to 305 since I moved to Texas, but is now at 285. I have been real good about avoiding junk food since I got back from Jennie's wedding.
I also will start Pilates again - using muscles to support my weight will slow the degeneration. It is all due to the weight of my upper body (and the sedentary career I choose).
I have considered having a brainectomy to lessen upper body mass, but decided that I really do enjoy thinking, so I won't do that...
Friday, August 1, 2008
Pain affecting on Sleep Pattern
I have been prescribed Celebrex for pain management. I think the dosage is too low. It wears off in about 7 hours. I should be taking it in 12 hours periods. I just realized that I don't - I take it just before I go to bed, and as soon as I wake up. That means the later part of the waking period has less control over pain. That is what I am experiencing.
The pain is now manifesting in my hips and my tail bone. Tail bone feels like it is burning slightly (when the meds wear off).
I went to sleep at midnight 2 nights ago, and awake at 7 - couldn't figure out what caused the difference. Now I know it was the pain. Last night I tried to go to bed at 10PM - hips hurt too much to lie down on them. Took Celebrex dosage (plus another at night time: Lyrica). It was 2 hours before I could lay down.
I have ordered a visco-elastic memory foam 6 inch leg wedge to see if that will make me comfortable enough to be able to sleep on my back. I have never been able to sleep on my back (as far back as I can remember). It causes pain in my legs, especially the feet. My feet would get really cold and numb - so I assumed it was due to blood flow restricction.
I got a massage yesterday for the first time. It felt good, but was not wonderful, like I have heard some people say. I can tell that it removed a great deal of stress from my flesh, and prehaps I should not expect more. I plan to get one once a week. He does do home visits - which I should do. I hestitate about it because I live in a gated community, and the gate is automated - closes at 7 PM. I will have to see how I can arrange this.
I had an MRI taken of my lumbar. I was too big to fit into the tube of the MRI device at the clinic, so I had to go to another facility. This facility was not part of the affiliated services which i used, so I got to take posession of the films. So I put on some latex gloves, and looked at the films. An MRI is a sequence of slices through the body, and don't make much sense until you can step through the sequence rapidly (It's a 3D image).
But the vertical cross-section showed one thing. I would clearly see the vertibrae, then the cord within the vertebrae center, then the tube in the middle on the spinal cord that is filled with fluid. At 3 places - I assume L3, L4 and L5, the spinal cord is pinched a lot. On L5, it is pinched so much, it is nearly to the tube in the middle of the spinal cord. This cannot be good. We'll see what Dr. guess will say on 6 AUG
The pain is now manifesting in my hips and my tail bone. Tail bone feels like it is burning slightly (when the meds wear off).
I went to sleep at midnight 2 nights ago, and awake at 7 - couldn't figure out what caused the difference. Now I know it was the pain. Last night I tried to go to bed at 10PM - hips hurt too much to lie down on them. Took Celebrex dosage (plus another at night time: Lyrica). It was 2 hours before I could lay down.
I have ordered a visco-elastic memory foam 6 inch leg wedge to see if that will make me comfortable enough to be able to sleep on my back. I have never been able to sleep on my back (as far back as I can remember). It causes pain in my legs, especially the feet. My feet would get really cold and numb - so I assumed it was due to blood flow restricction.
I got a massage yesterday for the first time. It felt good, but was not wonderful, like I have heard some people say. I can tell that it removed a great deal of stress from my flesh, and prehaps I should not expect more. I plan to get one once a week. He does do home visits - which I should do. I hestitate about it because I live in a gated community, and the gate is automated - closes at 7 PM. I will have to see how I can arrange this.
I had an MRI taken of my lumbar. I was too big to fit into the tube of the MRI device at the clinic, so I had to go to another facility. This facility was not part of the affiliated services which i used, so I got to take posession of the films. So I put on some latex gloves, and looked at the films. An MRI is a sequence of slices through the body, and don't make much sense until you can step through the sequence rapidly (It's a 3D image).
But the vertical cross-section showed one thing. I would clearly see the vertibrae, then the cord within the vertebrae center, then the tube in the middle on the spinal cord that is filled with fluid. At 3 places - I assume L3, L4 and L5, the spinal cord is pinched a lot. On L5, it is pinched so much, it is nearly to the tube in the middle of the spinal cord. This cannot be good. We'll see what Dr. guess will say on 6 AUG
Monday, July 28, 2008
Texas Freeways
I want to show you the freeway exit I must take to get to work.
Texas Freeways are not like California Freeways.
California Freeways are designed for high speed and high volume.
The Dallas/Fort-Worth area is growing rapidly, and the number of cars on the freeway is approaching an unsafe level for the design of the system (IMHO).
There is no reaction time built-in to the design.
You must know where you are going.
There is not enough time given to drivers who are first-timers.
Click on the 2 images below to zoom-in to be able to read the embedded text.
The following images are first person view taking the Ross Ave exit at a time of day when traffic is very light/
Texas Freeways are not like California Freeways.
California Freeways are designed for high speed and high volume.
The Dallas/Fort-Worth area is growing rapidly, and the number of cars on the freeway is approaching an unsafe level for the design of the system (IMHO).
There is no reaction time built-in to the design.
You must know where you are going.
There is not enough time given to drivers who are first-timers.
Click on the 2 images below to zoom-in to be able to read the embedded text.
The following images are first person view taking the Ross Ave exit at a time of day when traffic is very light/
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Back to the Pain
I hurt my back last week as I left the apartment to go to the airport to attend my daughter's wedding. It happened as I was lifting my travel bags and a few bags of garbage. The weight wasn't real heavy - it was just enough, combined with the bad movement, reaching down to the left with my right arm. I am not supposed to lift more than 20 LBS that way (according to my long time firend and Chiropractor, Kurt Alexander).
I felt the tweak and flash of pain. By the time I was in Las Vegas for a 4 hour wait between flights, the pain had inflamed to where I could not stand it anymore. The layover was long due to US Airways shutting down all flights to Visalia, so I had to re-work the flight plan, and this was the best I could do.
I asked for extra pillows at the hotel, and slept on top of them.
On the way back, there was a 2.5 hour delay in Las Vegas. I had awoke at 5:30 Am, and did not get to my apartment until midnight.
There was no food in the house, so I had to shop the next day. That was all I could do, except that I was so unhappy, I went to see a movie: Get Smart. I was in such a bad state, I didn't laugh once. I did go to the Chiropractor, who said my hips were misaligned (right leg short).
I wanted to go to work the next day, but just couldn't do it. I was upset that I lost my cell phone during the trip, and could not call my boss that I would not be in the office. I tried to get my apartment in order, and I went to see another funny movie: Kung Fu Panda. To put myself in the proper mood, I began laughing in the car as I drove to the theater. I remembered a group from India called "The Laughing Club". The premise of the club is that the act of laughing, even if it is forced, makes you feel better. So they make up laughing styles, and give them names, like "lion laugh", where you put your hands up like lion's paws and give a roaring laugh. It worked for me, I was feeling happier as I walked into the theater, and really enjoyed the movie.
Wednesday, I was still very sore. I went to the chiropractor again. This time the left leg was short - by a lot - over 2 inches). He straightened me out, and I went home. I wanted to go to work, but had to rest. I did make it to work by 2:30 PM, but I could hardly walk. I worked for 2 hours, then came home. I sent an emal to my boss explaining what was happening. I felt better emptionally for having gone to work, but couldn't stay long.
By 10PM Wednesday, I could feel the pain subsiding. Thursday morning, it was much better. It is my bed that does this, but it takes time - not an instant thing. I was in that kind of pain all the time in CA - I had forgotten about it. Once I got the ANGEL BED in TX, it still took 2 weeks for the inflamation to go down.
I had gotten used to that pain - had it for years ever since I helped pour come cement in Kathe's backyard. My Chiropractor was on a mission, and his substitute wasn't as perceptive. When Kurt came back, he took X-rays and saw the damage. He began giving me spinal decompression treatments, which made life livable. But this bed, it's a miracle. In 4 days I have gone from pain so severe I would think about dying, to something I can ignore. I am hoping my the end of the week it will be gone.
I am trying to rush through all my personal open projects so I can start 2 new big ones. I am currently working on an Insanity Claus video, Christmas Tree Ornaments for Missionary Work (1500 or more), and sorting/scanning fotos to be scanned. The new projects are learning to dance, and learning how to be a video jockey. I am not sure about being a VJ, but I want to learn how to make software provide tools for VJs.
The market is wide open - there are a few players, and their stuff is either crap or beautiful but unresponsive (doesn't react well to real-time data from the music - they are stressing the graphics, so the depiction is too slow). I know I can do a lot better - and make some pretty cool stuff, but I have a lot to learn to get there. I can tell that none of them understand how to write real-time software, and they have no idea what the data is that is beig deleivered to them from the samplers. The data is from a Fast Fourier Transform (FFT), which is the process used in military apps to do tactical surveilllance (finding out where the enemy's equipment is as it is moving) - SIGNAL PROCESSING. It is great to see that kind of technology used for peaceful purposes - especcially ART.
I felt the tweak and flash of pain. By the time I was in Las Vegas for a 4 hour wait between flights, the pain had inflamed to where I could not stand it anymore. The layover was long due to US Airways shutting down all flights to Visalia, so I had to re-work the flight plan, and this was the best I could do.
I asked for extra pillows at the hotel, and slept on top of them.
On the way back, there was a 2.5 hour delay in Las Vegas. I had awoke at 5:30 Am, and did not get to my apartment until midnight.
There was no food in the house, so I had to shop the next day. That was all I could do, except that I was so unhappy, I went to see a movie: Get Smart. I was in such a bad state, I didn't laugh once. I did go to the Chiropractor, who said my hips were misaligned (right leg short).
I wanted to go to work the next day, but just couldn't do it. I was upset that I lost my cell phone during the trip, and could not call my boss that I would not be in the office. I tried to get my apartment in order, and I went to see another funny movie: Kung Fu Panda. To put myself in the proper mood, I began laughing in the car as I drove to the theater. I remembered a group from India called "The Laughing Club". The premise of the club is that the act of laughing, even if it is forced, makes you feel better. So they make up laughing styles, and give them names, like "lion laugh", where you put your hands up like lion's paws and give a roaring laugh. It worked for me, I was feeling happier as I walked into the theater, and really enjoyed the movie.
Wednesday, I was still very sore. I went to the chiropractor again. This time the left leg was short - by a lot - over 2 inches). He straightened me out, and I went home. I wanted to go to work, but had to rest. I did make it to work by 2:30 PM, but I could hardly walk. I worked for 2 hours, then came home. I sent an emal to my boss explaining what was happening. I felt better emptionally for having gone to work, but couldn't stay long.
By 10PM Wednesday, I could feel the pain subsiding. Thursday morning, it was much better. It is my bed that does this, but it takes time - not an instant thing. I was in that kind of pain all the time in CA - I had forgotten about it. Once I got the ANGEL BED in TX, it still took 2 weeks for the inflamation to go down.
I had gotten used to that pain - had it for years ever since I helped pour come cement in Kathe's backyard. My Chiropractor was on a mission, and his substitute wasn't as perceptive. When Kurt came back, he took X-rays and saw the damage. He began giving me spinal decompression treatments, which made life livable. But this bed, it's a miracle. In 4 days I have gone from pain so severe I would think about dying, to something I can ignore. I am hoping my the end of the week it will be gone.
I am trying to rush through all my personal open projects so I can start 2 new big ones. I am currently working on an Insanity Claus video, Christmas Tree Ornaments for Missionary Work (1500 or more), and sorting/scanning fotos to be scanned. The new projects are learning to dance, and learning how to be a video jockey. I am not sure about being a VJ, but I want to learn how to make software provide tools for VJs.
The market is wide open - there are a few players, and their stuff is either crap or beautiful but unresponsive (doesn't react well to real-time data from the music - they are stressing the graphics, so the depiction is too slow). I know I can do a lot better - and make some pretty cool stuff, but I have a lot to learn to get there. I can tell that none of them understand how to write real-time software, and they have no idea what the data is that is beig deleivered to them from the samplers. The data is from a Fast Fourier Transform (FFT), which is the process used in military apps to do tactical surveilllance (finding out where the enemy's equipment is as it is moving) - SIGNAL PROCESSING. It is great to see that kind of technology used for peaceful purposes - especcially ART.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Omega Man
Well, I tried lowering my Omega 3 from fish oil to help lower my blood pressure.
it helped a little, but it really dropped off my focus. I just wasn't understanding what I was reading.
My therapist suggested I might join Mensa in order to get together with people that I have more in common - similar quirks... So I went and took the online test. I got an 80%, but it was very hard for me. My brain just refused to work fast.
So I have brought the Omega 3 dosage back yup to where it was.
I was thinking - why don't women have Adam's Apples? The only thing that seemed reasonable to me was that men needed to attract females for mating, so an Adam's Apple allowed for more intricate mating calls. Maybe I should take up yodeling....
it helped a little, but it really dropped off my focus. I just wasn't understanding what I was reading.
My therapist suggested I might join Mensa in order to get together with people that I have more in common - similar quirks... So I went and took the online test. I got an 80%, but it was very hard for me. My brain just refused to work fast.
So I have brought the Omega 3 dosage back yup to where it was.
I was thinking - why don't women have Adam's Apples? The only thing that seemed reasonable to me was that men needed to attract females for mating, so an Adam's Apple allowed for more intricate mating calls. Maybe I should take up yodeling....
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Starting a Lot of Things Over
I had to retire my old email address: larsumms@pacbell.net. Yahoo told me to upgrade. Their software bungled it, creating an intolerable position, and they would not help me. Too bad for them. I was slowly getting off their services anyway - Google is better. This was the last straw. So now my email is larsumms@gmail.com. I kept the first part, because all my WWW IDs start wth that. I probably should have changed them all to lasummers, which I like more. Too late.
I already had an account with Google's BLOGGER under the email larsumms@pacbell.net. Google would not let me combine the blogs under one account, and it doesn't like the fact that I use both accounts simultaneously.
So I have decided to abandon all my old blogs. They will exist, but I won't do much to maintain them anymore.
Lots is changing. I think I finally got my Blood Pressure under control after 2 months. It got up to 188/86. I have had two days of low 120s, so that looks good.
I have begun exfoliating my scalp, especially the ears. I have always had a lot of dandruff, but now it is easier to get to it (since I have shaved my head).
I have decided to be happy.
I have been working out 4 days a week - cardio for 30 minutes. I am going to start doing it every day, so I don't have to keep a "count" or remember if I have done it enough this week, etc.
I got depressed this week about loneliness/women. When I was single the first time, and at BYU, surrounded by nice women, I still got a lot of rejection and was very lonely. This happened even though the ratio of women to men were 3 to 1. Not sure why, but it was of course due to who I am - or how I presented myself. I did eventually find someone. It will happen again. It's like the beginning of the movie: Hitch. I like who I am, and I am not going to de-emphasize parts of myself to get attention. In fact, I am going to emphasize the parts that I think LDS women don't like. I want a woman who wants me because I am Insanity Claus, not because I wear a suit on Sunday and fit the standard profile of "Active LDS".
I already had an account with Google's BLOGGER under the email larsumms@pacbell.net. Google would not let me combine the blogs under one account, and it doesn't like the fact that I use both accounts simultaneously.
So I have decided to abandon all my old blogs. They will exist, but I won't do much to maintain them anymore.
Lots is changing. I think I finally got my Blood Pressure under control after 2 months. It got up to 188/86. I have had two days of low 120s, so that looks good.
I have begun exfoliating my scalp, especially the ears. I have always had a lot of dandruff, but now it is easier to get to it (since I have shaved my head).
I have decided to be happy.
I have been working out 4 days a week - cardio for 30 minutes. I am going to start doing it every day, so I don't have to keep a "count" or remember if I have done it enough this week, etc.
I got depressed this week about loneliness/women. When I was single the first time, and at BYU, surrounded by nice women, I still got a lot of rejection and was very lonely. This happened even though the ratio of women to men were 3 to 1. Not sure why, but it was of course due to who I am - or how I presented myself. I did eventually find someone. It will happen again. It's like the beginning of the movie: Hitch. I like who I am, and I am not going to de-emphasize parts of myself to get attention. In fact, I am going to emphasize the parts that I think LDS women don't like. I want a woman who wants me because I am Insanity Claus, not because I wear a suit on Sunday and fit the standard profile of "Active LDS".
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