NOV 3rd was a bad, Nov 4 is good

I knew I was reacting to 4 Nov, my former wedding anniversary, for months now. This is the first year I am using the term "former". I know we are still sealed. I miss her terribly. Bit I am lonely, and need to move on.

I went to Physical Therapy on 3 NOV at 10 AM. It worse me out. I tried to work after wards, but that only last 2 hours. I was so tired, and my muscles were sore. I could barely stay awake, so I went home. I tried to nap several times that afternoon/evening. Sleep just would not come. I would lie and let my mind wander, and soon noticed all my muscles tightening up. I would will my self to relax, and let my mond wander, and I would tense up again. This happened over and over, until early AM.

I don't know what time I fell asleep. But I slept very deeply. I haven't rested like that in a long time. My body really needed it, and my mind finally let it have what it needed.

I had set my 2 month psych appointment for 4 NOV on purpose. Last year, on this date, I was a mess. I never really got out of bed (except to dispose of waste and eat). I really wanted to go vote, but just couldn't. Today, after the Drs appt, I went to dinner, did a bit of shopping, played with the puppy for a long time, and watched Disney's "Enchanted". So Delightful. I think I'll watch it again tomorrow.

The problem with me is that I just cannot talk to single women - I don't know why. If a girl is my friend, and I have no sexual interest in her - I can talk all day long - share and have fun. But if there is even the slightest possibility of romance, I just can't talk to them. Except for 1. Karen Sue Brown. I have always felt comfortable in her presence. I always felt I could trust her. And I always thought she was very pretty and smart.

I have only felt that way about one other woman, but she is not LDS. I left her back in California. I never went out with her, but had lots of contact with her in the business world.

There is a woman in my Ward that I can talk to easily, but I am only beginning to feel some chemistry there. She is a new convert - about 6 months now. I am kind of waiting for her to make it to the Temple. Then maybe I will know/decide.

This lonliness is bad for my heart. I am so glad Emily is here, and that I let her get a puppy.

Cold

I have a cold - a cough and flem. I must find a way to relax the Solar Plexus so I can breathe freely. As 4 NOV draws near, my lungs clamp down tighter. I nearly passed out once today getting up from a chair.

Just before I went to bed, I got the idea of massaging the Solar Plexus. SO I just rubbed it deeply with my fingers. That flesh was very sore. I compared it to other parts of the torso, and it was definitely more sensitive to the touch. It felt inflamed. and doing the massage made it easier to breathe.

I did it several times during the night. I feel like I didn't get much deep sleep.

This morning, breathing is easier, and the Solar Plexus does not feel anymore sensitive than the rest of the torso.

nature of addiction

I am allergic to chocolate. I was for a long time. I continued to eat it even after my body developed a strong, negative reaction to it - for decades. I did not give it up until some kind of medical authority said I should stopped. I had made an agreement with myself ahead of time that if that ever happened, independently of myself, then I would do it - I would stop eating it.

My health improved greatly once I stopped eating it (and many other things). The test that provided the data is an IgO test. My current allergist says that that test has only 40% correlation to food intolerances. But chocolate was at the top of the list. I proved it by relenting, and eating a piece of chocolate cake that my nephew made just for me. It was a delicacy. It made me sick for 3 days. very sick - blowing fumes with great force out of my rear end kind of sick. To the point that it hurt to sit down.

I need to get better at controlling thisd behavior. It is Halloween. Candy is in abundance. I have little control. I ate too much today - and I feel very sick. I have gas, but it is not coming out. It has bloated me, and the gas is moving slowly through my intestines. It really hurts. I have a terrible headache. My wrists, elblows and ankles really hurt.

Is today the day I learn the lesson?

Tired

I had a sonogram of the heart taken today - hope to get results soon. We are just making sure there are no weak valves.

I did not fall asleep until 2:30 AM. Had to wake up at 7:30 AM in order to get to the hosipital appointment for the sonogram. I went to work afterward. after 2 hours of work, I was exhausted. I was having a hard time breathing. I went to my car and leaned the seat back. I took deep breaths for a long time. Then I slept. I went back to work, and got a lot done.

I have neen working on something for over a month. Last Monday, I thought of a better way to do it. I was peeved that I got the idea so late, but it turns out I probably saved 2 months of future work in just 4 days.

wha?

I started taking Metformin today - it is a prescription weight loss drug.

I realized today that I was taking Skelaxin too often - it's every 8 hours - not every 4.

When I had the spinal injection, they told me not to apply heat. It was only supposed to be for 24 hours. I have been keeping my electric blanket real low. I took a 2 hour nap ontop of the blanket et on high, and feklt more rested than I have in a while

Eh?

I qoke up fwwlin bAD - NO ENERGY ALL DAY UNTIL i HAD SOME SUGAR,
we had chinese food for dinner, and watched a few episodes of Veronica Mars.
Then we gave Shou Shou a bath. She handled it pretty good. I enjoyed it.

SWELL

Blood and urine tests are back - I have Diabetes - HOORAY

I juat finished watching Super Size Me to put me in the rhght moood

Doctor's Visit

I have been having a hard time breathing - the Doctor was worried, so I went in today.

In the past 6 weeks, I have gained 20 ILBS, for an all time high of 325. My waist size increased 4 inches. The constriction my pants put on my torso is part of what was making it hard for me to breathe.

I had an eeg test today, and urine/blood work. EEG showed that the irregular heart beat is back - called Trigemeny - 3 beats when there should be only one. I had this in 2006, after Karen died. It could be a precursor to a stroke. We are going to do a sonogram of the heart. I had one done in 2006 - it revealed nothing. What we are looking for is weakened heart valves.

I am constantly fatigued. I feel air hunger all the time. I move really slowly.

We are also going to do an oxygen test (I forget the name), where I wear a n oxygen monitor all day, and it records my oxygen level all day.

I am having cravings for sweets again.

I love our puppy, even though she turns my world upside down

Twice Now

I have done it twice now, in a row. I forget to fill up the reservoir on my CPAP machine with distilled water. And as a result, I have a difficult time breathing the next day. I don't know how long the resevior was empty, but not too long, the bottom was moist.

As a result, I got very little done today. I didi put together my new chair. I really like it. You should try one. Herman Miller Embody

My YouTube presence as AccidentalLyrics is increasing - I should make some more backwards videos.

I love to hear women sing in a certain pitch. That is why I like Evanescence and Lacuna Coil. When they sing with intensity, they reach this pitch that gives me such release.

DR GUESS

DR GUESS SAW THE RESULTS OF THE ENG-CNS TEST = mODERATE NEUROPATHY IN THE FEET AND MILD NEUROPATHYIN TEH SPINE.

It is time to do sanother ingection, Thus will br brtrrn L5 and S1.
If this is not enough, the next operation is surgery 0f triming the inner ring if the disc so that it leaves more room fir the nerves to pass thriugh,

I hVE HAD TIO CORRECT THE SPELELING IN THE LAST PARAGRAOPH SO MANY TIMES, IT IS PATHETIC

_____________________________________
i DREAMED OF SOMWEOIN NAMED kour. iT IS KIND OF A PUN ON cOAWRD

My Brain is Tired

The puppy has learned to Fetch balls. Now she brings them back to me instead of bringing them to Emily. It's a blast.

I got an email this week from the admin assitant to my boss's boss.
She was supposed to send it in July, but says she just saw it now.

Essentially, everyone under that man is supposed to get a passing grade in 100 hours of training before 30 SEP. I have been doing it super fast. I am half way thru. It is exhausting. I don't think this is an accident. Something intervened and caused her to send that email late. It is internal politics. We are being set up for failure. I will succeed.

I was craving sweets very badly today. I went to the snack room on the first floor, and bought some cookies from a machine. I got 40 cents iin change, Only my index fiunger could fit in the return change slot. I was able to get out the quarter and nickel, but I couldn't even tell if there was a dime in there. Something was in there, I could tell, but I felt nothing like a dime in there. I was not able to get it out. So I switched to the left index finger. I was able to locate the dime easily, and got the dime out in one try. This means there is neuropathy in my hands too, it just isn'y causing pain yet.

I tried going to bed without the heavy pain drugs, just using celebrex, lyrica and zolpidem to sleep. It has been 2 hours - nothing happened, not even remotely close to sleep. I felt rigid, and could not get the tension out of my body.

Weird Food

I am able to drink carrot juice! It has been 2 weeks, and I do not see a reaction. And I found a new way to eat it. I really like it when I dip bread into it and then eat the bread. it lets the juice stay on the tongue longer, and actually taste better to me than just drinking it straight.

Also, I have found a new treat. Aunt Jemima's Buttermilk Pancake Mix. You don't cook it, just drink it after mixing it with water. To me, it is like a milk shake. It tastes very good. Don't tell Emily, it will gross her out.

Shou Shou is afraid of heights. And not just high heights. She is afraid to step down 6 inches to the floor. So I am training her with treats. We just started today.

I tied a chew toy to the end of a rod with a line 9of string - looks like a fishing pole. So I go Puppy Fishing. She loves it. I use it to give her exercise indoors. I can get her running in circles. Sometimes she chomps down real tight, and then lets her legs go limp, and I drag her around like a mop. We both enjoy this very much.

I was exhausted all day, but got a lot done. I am not in too much pain. It is time to go to bed, but I have to wait until a batch of towels finishes washing, so I can move it to the dryer.

I have started a new game called Yoville. I am beginning to collect items to create works of art in my virtual apartment. I have an M.C.Escher-like effect going on in one of my virtual bathrooms. Everyday, I give out lots of flowers to girls and worms to boys. I have a virtual crew of 53, and it is still growing.

Thye are having us take lots of training at work now. I know why. They are going to use our scores to determine who stays, and who is laid off. At least, its part of their equation - age, health, and many other things enter into it. That is why I will never be a hiring manager again - I hate having to make that kind of decision about someone else - it tears me up inside.

Home Sweat Home

I am sweating a lot at night while sleeping ontop of an electric blanket. I have decided to use those disposable bed liners made of paper that they use on hospital beds. It is amazing how much salt comes out of me each night.

I had a day dream where I introduced myself to Diana Rigg as "the KnowWhere man, but you can call me Knowall".

I gave the puppy a bath today. She put her back legs against my tummy and then stretched out as far as she could go, attempting to get away. She looked like supper puppy trying to fly. We are still having problems teaching her to be house trained.

Not as I planned

I was going to do a lot of labor today. But in the morning, I decided not to take pain meds until the evening, or at least as long as I could. I was not in pain. last time I tried this, my body hurt all night.

But this time it will be different. I have been sleeping on top of an electric blanket on HIGH for over a week now. Each morning, I am able to stand up without pain. Whenever I laid down (several times), I turned on the heat. The results are encouraging.

I stopped taking spirulina and Omega-3 fatty acids for several weeks now. I am going to begin again with the Omega-3. I stopped taking them to see if it would halp me lose weight. It didn't. I have noticed that on the days I take Omega-3, my mind is much clearer and I am able to focus my attention better.

I laid down for most of the day.

I have found something odd. I can handly carrot juice again - but only if I drink it at room temperature. I like it a lot, and more than once I am too impatient to wait for it to warm up. If I drink it when it's cold, I get the runs s few hours later.

I started playing a game called Yoville on Facebook. It is cute. My avatar's name ia Agro. I borrowed the term from gaming terminology. Agro means attraction. I wish it would let me "work" more. In WoW, there were many things my avatar could do to generate funds. My character was a Tauran, so I was a hunter and skinner. I am not even sure how the factory in Yoville works.

I found in Yoville that I don't want a lot of stuff. Some people have really decorated their apartments. I rearrange everything in my apartment to look like modern art. I spend most of my money on flowers to give away to ladies and worms (meant for fishing) to give away to guys. I enjoy starting water fights. I realize from this that If I had to give up more possessions, I think I could do it without pain or grief. I just need to be around a lot of people, so I can do nice things for them

Weird Dream

I just slept 10 hours. I had the weirdest dream. It kept changing contexts so fast. This is what I can remember.

A large group of people had just gone outside. I was in my early 20s. Most of the people there were also my age, and I had a vague notion that we were all part of a group - a school or company. There was an entrance to what looked like a broken down mine shaft, with a shed like front door. LEading up to it was a short cement walkway.

There were older men there, examining portions of the walk way. I could see interfaces coming up from the cement, exposing various levels of technology. There was water pipes, but also higher level of tech, like fiber optic cable, and futuristic stuff that I had know idea what they were.

The older men kept coming up to me telling me important things that one would ex-[ect they would tell the leader of the group, but I was not the leader, so they had to tell someone, and I looked responsible, so they told me. All I can remember is one of them saying. You cannot continue to have Radar unless you renew your Radar licencse".

I went inside the mine shaft. It had rough hewn edges, but looked different than one would ecpect a mine shaft to be. There was a room carved into the side of the main shaft, to the left, just after coming into the mine. It was filled with equipment. It looked like large replicas of baby toys. There were these things that looked like Fischer-Price toy vacuum cleaners, but they were adult size. They looked like they were made out of cheap plastic. They were mostly white, with a trim of baby pink or baby blue.

There were 2 sizes, one smaller than the other. The smaller ones were pink. One of my peers knew about them, and took one by the handle. It was then that I notised that instead of a vacuum snout, there was a rotating blade interface, like a lawn mower with the blades facing forwards. It was like a lawn mower that had been modified to be a weapon. The peer took a smaller one, and started pullling it back and forth like a vacuum cleaner, but rapidly. It was not turned on, so he was making the "engine noises" by humming/growling. This was all in jest. He took a close jab at soomeone, then said "This is the Fox, it kills tomorrow". I understood his meaning to be "this weapon is only meant to wound". Then he gestured with his other had to one of the bigger, blue-accented attack-mowers, and said: "This is the Wolf, it kills today", meaning that this weapon was specifically designed to kill in one stroke.

Then we all went into a room that looked lke a classroom for a lab class. The room was mostly filled with people - I was the last to arrive. Most of the guys in the room were had school jackets on, and were acting like Jocks. I quickly sat down. Someone said my first name: "Larry". Everyone was seated, and I could not tell who was speaking. I did not know who was speaking, nor did I recognize the voice, but I knew it wasn't the voice of the teacher. He said my name again. I still did not respond. So then 5 jocks all sitting next to each other near the front of the room raised their hands. Everyone in the room had smirks on their faces, like they were in on the joke. The Name Caller knew that this was a tease/stall tactic, so he called my name again firmly. I raised my hand and said "here".

The caller began to call out other names. I do not remember them. But at one point, a cacausian student near to me stood up and sat down again when a name was called. Prior to this, everyone had just been raising their hand. When the next name was called, the same guy stood up, and there was snickering throughout the room, like that was real funny. He quickly sat back downm and hid himself from view, but then just as quickly, another person stood up in the exact same space, but this time an Afro-Amoercian male in a school jacket. This one also quickly got down under the table quickly, out of sight, and was replaced by a girl wearing a scarf. She was frightened or embarassed, and so stood up very slowly, and rellay didn't get very high, not any higher than the people who were seated. Some of the guys thought this was pretty funny.

That's all I can remember.
__________________________________________________________________

I continue to sleep on top of an electric blanket turned up to high. The dog had peed on my bed cover, so I only had a sheet on top of the electric blanket. This is really improving my health. For the lat 2 mornings, I have had a thin film of sweat absorped into my under-shirt, and had to change. I get up from the bed with no back pain or stiffness/soreness, and I have more energy.

It is not like I have a lot of energy, but before, I would wake up feeling like I had no energy at all - completely drained.

________________________
I remember a little bit of another dream. I was in the SF bay Area. A tourist from Normay came up to me, and started asking me about this restaurant that was nort of the Bay Area in Fairfield, that was supposed to be authentic Norwegian cuisine. I told him I had been there, and that the food was authentic. Then he asked "Do they use Norwegian Curries?'. I responded with "That's the hard part. Sometimes they can't always get them, so they have to use American Curries."

Better

I was able to get to work sooner today, and was able to make it thru the day without going to my car for a nap.

I had the EMG-NCS test today. perlim results: peripheral neuropathy & something else. Meaning - the spine is causing the pain in the upper part of my legs. The spine is not causing the pain/numbness in my feet. The pain/numbness in my feet is advanced.

So this means - more heavy duty drugs - or something else maybe - we'll find out/

I want to record something I do not like about my current assignment at work. Everything is set up with charge numbers, and all your time is supposed to be accounted to these numbers. But you are only supposed to put a little of your time on the charge number.

SO - as a result, no one has anough time to really learn anything. In order to take the time to learn something, which takes many hours, you have to spread your time across many charge numbers even though what you are studying is only indirectly helping these projects. It feels so unclean. Fortunately, I have over 60 charge numbers I can use, so each prjoect sees me charge 1 or less hours a week, low enough not to draw attention. But I still don't like it. Lots of other people do it, but they don't produce large bodies of knowlege like I do. They just use up time.

Work and Sleep

WORK - Tuesday 1 SEP.

I spoke with my HR Rep at length yesterday. The only thing I want to record is:
1. You do not get medical benefits unless you retire at 65 or older.
Which means if the lay you off at 64 years old - too bad.
I have seen this happen at AT&T before.
I got a strong impression from God at that moment that I would not be recieving medical benefits from AT&T

2. It may be nearly impossible for me to permission to work from home,
even if my health is really bad - like being confined to a wheel chair and in chronic pain.

HOME - Tuesday 1 SEP

The puppy was sleeping at my feet of the rocker. Then I got up from the rocker, it struck her muzzle. She gave a little whelp, and then went limp I thought she was dead. She was not wimpering in pain. I was able to open her mouth. Eventually she yawned, and she did drink some water. She was real nervous, and spitting up a clear fluid which Emily researched on line to be bile.

HEALTH - Wednesday 2 SEP

Last night, I forgot to heat up the bed by sticking the electric blanket between the sheets for several hours before going to bed. So I just stuck the blanket in between the sheets, made the bed, turned the electric blanket on high, and laid on top of the down filled zippered slip cover I use for a bed cover. I meant to only do it for a while, but I slept like that all night.

Best night's sleep I have had for months

Same old, same old

Friday, I tried to make it a work emulation day. I sat at the computer as much as I could, and didn't take the "as needed" pain meds. I did this because my chiropractor said that the change in my back was miraculous. I did fine.

Until I went to bed. I was feeling cold all day. When I got between the sheets, it felt like the matress was sucking all the heat from my legs and buttox. It was very painful. I heated the matress up with an electric blanket, and then I was able to fall asleep, but I could feel tension in the tailbone and right hip.

Today, I was a complete wreck. I felt so horrible I could not tell what was wrong with me. The thought of eating was disgusting. By noon, I realized that this might be a pain reaction, so I took pain meds. (I have been taking all pain meds each morning and night, including the "as needed" meds) Within 2 hours a felt somewhat better, and felt like eating.

I have been bringing cashews back into my diet. I really love 'em. And I cannot have them. Within 2 to 4 hours, I get explosive diarhea - bad enough that it requires the toilet bowl to be cleaned. This is very discouraging. The IgO index for cashew was just one. Chocolate has the same effect, but much worse. It's score is 4, and the diarhea continues for days until I feel like I am pumping acid out my rear.

I am coming to the realization that this might be it - I might be in pain like this from now on. So I am going to work on Monday.

I will be getting a nerve pain test soon - can't remember what it is called. It will be a full body test, where they stick acupuncture like neeedles in my skin and measure the electrical conductivity. This will guide the orthopaedic doctors in knowing how to control my pain.
Right now, it feels like my ass is on fire - no joke - burning flesh.
___________________________________________
I thought I'd add more. This is from Sunday Morning. I have decided to use seroquel each night to help me choose when I go to bed. It is prescribed for anxiety, but it is also a sedative. I have not been taking it for months.

I also put the electric blanket in the bed and turned it on HIGH for 2 hours before going to bed. This really helped. I had plenty of REM sleep - I remember the dreams. I have set the clock alarm for 7 Am, and I will get up then - like I did today. My body wants more sleep, so I laid back down at 9 Am for an hour - also had REM sleep and dreams. I plan to go to bed as soon as I get back from Church and eat dinner.

The dreams are interesting. they change copntext so quickly, over and over. hey are about simple things, things I do all the time, but most of the dreams have an alternate presentation from my currrent reality. A slight differernce in the floor plan of the apartment, that kind of stuff. The only thing I can remember from the dream is reaching for a shirt in the closet, and the entire rod which holds the clothes hangers up came loose and all the clothes fell forwards on me. It was startling, but not scary.

I had a realization about Katie. I don't know why she is shutting me out of her life. Some of the kids say it's because she feels she has to take the burden of Mom's role in the family because I am not stepping up to fill her shoes. But that doesn't matter. I decided long ago to let my children have the intellectual and spiritual freedom I enjoy, even if that meant they decided to leave the Church. Those of my children that have taken other paths know how very much I love them, and would do anything to help them. I consider them equals - peers, if you will, and grateful that they are my friends as well as my children. The realization I had today is that I should extend the same grace to katie, even though she has cut me out. It doesn't make any difference. I still love her and would do anything for her.

Getting Better

The pain in my back is practically gone. The chiropractor said my back was in very good shape. My right hip still hurts a little when I step down out of the SUV. In total, it took 10 cortisone shots in the spine (different locations)

I will go back to work Monday.

My FMLA was approved - but that just means that I won't be fired for not being at work.
I may have to appeal for it to be listed as a disability, in order to be paid.

I am going to have a test done to see what the extent of the nerve damage is.

more shots scheduled

I go in tuesday for more cortisone shots in the hips. I hope the y do both hips. Pain meds are strong, and are starting not to work. I am not able to do much

Internal Conflict

My right hip is a real pain in the ass. I am taking very strong drugs, and it still hurts. My doctor is going to arrange for more cortizone shots - they surgery center doesn't return my calls.

For that last 2 days, I have done nothing but do to multiple doctors, and a little shopping. I cannot sit for long. I cannot read. I can barely watch a video. If this goes on much longer, I am going to lose my mind.

There is something I want to do in CA on 11 SEP, but right now that's impossible. There is no way I could make the air trip.

I have a conflict with Lucy Mack Smith - the Mother of Joseph Smith. Opponents to the Church are digging up some good dirt on the Church, but the original sources of these discrepencies is Lucy Smith. I want to say something about it, about her lack of credibility, but within Mormon circles, that would be like saying Queen Elizabeth is a whore.

Very Strange Dream

Friday and Saturday I woke up after a 4 and 6 hours asleep, respectively, feeling alert, but knew better, and slept more. This morning, I slept 8 hours, and could not get up when the alarm went up, and slept another 2. I remember no dreams on Fri and Sat morns. Today, I remember bits and pieces.

I could remember more just after I woke up, but I was worried about getting to Church on time, so I didn't do it until now, and I don't remember as much.

I remember seeing Karen's dead body in the dream. She had withered away, like a dried prune. The withering left her lips in kind of a pucker. He skin was unnaturally white, like it was bleached white.

At another point in the dream, I remember seeing some naked men. Their skin was diseased - yellow and red blotches. just above the genitalia, there was a huge bulb, about the size of a lemon, that looked like a growth one would see on a diseased tree, except it was covered with red/yellow blotched skin.

I remember there were lots of people, and work cubicles
--------------------------------------------------------------

My lower back is feeling much better. My right hip is hurting badly all the time. It is not a birning, more like I am being poked with the eraser end of a pencil, REALLY HARD AND CONSTANT, into my right buttox.

Shou, Shou (our puppy) is incredibly cute. She will just lie on your lap for hours, just letting you pet her, and shifting around once in a while. She is growing fast. Her dark fur is the same color as her eyes - I cannot tell if her eyes are opened or closed, unless she looks to the side, and I can see a fit of white on the eyeball.

58 & Feeling ...

The next word in the title is hard to choose. If rhyming, GREAT comes to mind. I do not feel great. Grate is a little more descriptive, or perhaps Fate.

Tonight is the first night after using the CPAP machine at the new setting. I went to bed at midnight. I woke up at 4 AM, my body telling me that it could get up now. I shifted my weight and felt a flash of pain in my right hip. I moaned, and slept for 2.5 more hours.

I feel more refreshed today than I normally do upon waking. Hopefully this will increase as time goes by. I was able to get out of bed and stand up without strong pain in the right hip, a definite change for the better. I have been one my feet for 30 minutes, and the hip is starting to burn. I have taken Codine to deal with that.

I played with the puppy for 20 minutes, while sitting in the lounge chair. She was ready to play. she kept wandering to my knees loopking down, so I figured she had to pee.

And now I am here, typing this. and this. and...
_____________________________________________

It is now almost noon. Thought I'd add a bit more. My body is craving sleep, but I am trying not to sleep all day. I got up to watch a DVD. I have played a few word games on the computer - cognition and speed of thought is noticeable greater. And right now, I can honestly say I feel better - I can say "I feel good" and it not being a big lie.

I have read the analysis of the sleep study. My sleep problem is not Apnea. The Apnea is corrected at lower pressures. The amount of oxygen supplied at lower pressures was high, between 96 to 92. At higher pressures, the range widened - 98 to 90. CPAP 14 had the highest and lowest oxygen percentages - but it was a large sample - 2 hours. Lower pressures were only sampled for 10 to 40 minutes.

The key is REM sleep. I had 52 minutes of REM sleep in that 2 hours at CPAP 14. In all pressures under 14, ZERO minutes of REm sleep. In 2.5 hours of sleep at CPAP 15, only 10 minutes of REM sleep.

My problem has been lack of REM sleep. It is not oxygen deprivation - which is good -less tissue damage.

Sunday Pain

Kofi was ill today, which meant that I could leave the meetings today whenever I needed to. I left right after the Sacrament was passed.

The pain in my spine has been getting longer. Over the last week I have felt it move down my right buttox and into the inner thigh. I have been getting flashes of pain in the right outer hip for a long time now, whenever I rotatoed my right toes clockwise. Now both pain are all the time. The outside hip is especially bad when I get up from a sitting position. The pain in the buttox feels like it is burning - it is very sharp and constant

I am really looking forward to that cortisone shot now.

I got the results of the sleep study. My current pressure is 10, and it is going to be increased to 14. The scale of the CPAP pressure numbers was created so that most people would only have to increase 1 unit a year. So my rate of pulmonary integrity degredation is 4 times faster than normal. Hopefully my machine will be configured this week.

wsarped mind

zzzzI am plying dragonwars. spacial percetionheightenedlines of text warp in 3D
itie=s sttrange ti watch. I t an artifact of my tired mind. it happens once in a while

I watched Harry Potter and the ZHalf Blood Prince, and Enemy mine
Both er=were good

NOW IT IS THE MORNING. I have slept 6 hours. I spoke with my Brother Richard yesterday from the hospital. This is his second time in the hospital in 3 months. I worry about him.

The spatial affects I was seeing last night were strange. The testual displays in the game seemed to have 3D layers, and they were undulating as if small waves of water were passing over them. When I looked away from the game display to the compuer desktop, it appeared as if the windows were moving in a spiral, sucking things inward, but they were trying to keep their positions, so only the corners were affected, then they would snap bakc, as if the spiral drain like effect stopped all of a sudden.

During the day yesterday, I was hearing things that were not there. I kept hearing my phone ringing, but it was not - it was a muffled ringing. I would also hear a constant high pitched noise. At one point,I was hering the faint sound of a woman's voice singing. It sounded like it was in an echo chamber, but faint - like she was far away. She was singing to a rhythm of 1950s style music, something upbeat and catchy. It sounded like English, but I did not understand what she was singing. This went on for several minutes

I also had to go to the bathroom a lot yesterday. I had to leave the theater projection room 3 times duing the Harry Potter movie. The urine was coming out with so much pressure, I could feel splash back drops all the way back to my elbows, so it took a long time to wash up.

I had the sleep study done on Tuesday, and got the results yesterday. The current pressure of my CPAP machine is 10 (I thought it was 5). IT will be increased to 14. This is very good news.

I have stopped taking spirulina and omega 3 fatty acids. I was taking maximum volume of each. When I started taking spirulina, I was very physically active. I was constantly binging between meals. The spirulina stopped that. But I am not as active now, so maybe I don't need it. The omega 3 fatty acids are fat - it is an oil. I am trying to see if this will lower my weight without exercise, because I cannot exercise - too painful. For the last few days, my right hip hurts very much when I get up from a seated position, almost to the point of stopping me from getting up.

The lady that administered the sleep test to me was named Mary. I think her last name was Polish, and started with a Z. She never said it aloud, and I could not read her name tag. She had a half smile and slurred speech. I realized a few days afterward that this was evidence of a stroke. Her half smile was very cute, and I liked her from the start. She was from Detroit, and had a tatoo on the underside of her left wrist of the outline of a star. She was hiding it by holding a piece of paper over it in her right hand. She was very intelligent, dressed in nurses garb. The sleep study was done at a hospital. She never said so, but I knew she had children. One give away was a small bag she had with her as we left the hospital together - she had to escort me out. It had handprints all over it of a child's hand. It look like the child had dipped his hand in paint and touched the fabric. Each hand print was a different color. I told her about our new puppy, and she told me about her dog and 2 ferrets. There was an awkward moment in our last few moments together. I wanted to ask her out, and I knew she wanted me too. But I want to marry within the Church, so I didn't. I keep thinking about her. If I ever see her again, I am going to ask her.

I should explain about the dog. I was keeping this information secret until Amy got back from her honeymoon. There was an attempted breakin at my apartment 2 mights before I left for California. They did not succeed. The perp tried to get passed the deadbolt using a very large crow bar, as evidenced by the scratches on my door jamb and the warps in my door. The crow bar has 2 prongs in the leveraging end, so there were 2 scratch marks and two warped pinches in the door. The tips of the prongs were 2 inches apart, indicating that this crowbar was huge, maybe 6 feet long.

Emily is very visible in the apartment complex. She often goes to the pool. When she left for California, her car was parked right in front of the building. It is the only red car, so it was easy to see that it was not moving for several days. Since there was no light coming from her bedroom, and I have sealed my window over with tarps because ot insomina, the perp thought no one was there.

I have put a brace on the front door to keep it closed at night, made from a 1 by 8 piece of wood. The front clost is 4 feet away from the fornt door, and parallel. Placing the wood on the ground snugly between them, the front door willl never open unless it is pushed with so much force at the top of the door, that the door folds back. It is a metal door.
I have also paid extra for the alarm system to be activated, and I finally caved in to Emily's request for a dog. She has asked 3 times, and I believe it was for security reasons.

The dog is a black and white Shitsu. Emily has named her Shou-Shou. She is adorable. I love playing with her. The feelings of love and affection just flow out of me to that dog. She makes me so happy, I don't mind the extra work it takes to have her here.

We are training her to use pee pads. We bought a gate to seal her into the kitchen, so she stays over the linoleum, until she doesn't make mistakes. I can tell she is trying, but I believe she sometimes can't hold it long enough to make it to the pee pad. She is teething. I bought her a stuffed toy back and white puppy that is her same size to sleep with. I use the puppy to wrestle with her, so she will learn not to bite humans, only toys. We take naps together.

Feeling Better

2 days without mayonase with Soy oil, and I am already feeling better and thinking faster. Damn, I am so mad at myself for letting this happen. I wasn't using that much - nor was I using it every day (probably 2 out of 3 days - and the amount for a chicken salad or to spread on a sandwich. I should have known better. I know how toxic Chocolate is to me - 1 Reeses PB cup and I am sick for 3 days - completely unable to do anything - stuck on the toilet mostly. And Tofu was the only thing in the blood test the rated as allergic as Chocolate. What the hell did I expect? 2 months of misery - DAMN IT ALL!

Soy

I am very allergic to 2 things: Chocolate and Tofu. I should consider these things toxic to me. This was determined by blood test. In the same test, raw soy beans were OK - no reaction at all. But to be safe, I am avoiding all products containing processed soy - like soy oil.

About 2 months ago, once Emily got here - I made a diet change. I started eating artificial mayonase. I didn't look at the ingredients. I miseed Tuesday, Wed, Thursday at work 2 weeks in a row, THEN had surgery on 22 may - AND HAVE BEEN ILL EVER SINCE. I haven't worked much in 7 weeks - not at all the last 5 weeks.

Maybe it is the soy - I stop using it today. I have purchased an organic ketchup to replace it. No soy, no HFCS, no corn syrup.

Not on Top Today

I just give one example from today. When I go to bed at night, I plug my cell phone in to recharge. I kept forgetting to turn the phone in silent so that if I had insomnia, I wouldn't be woken up by someone calling at 9 AM. Toi help me remember to put the phone on silent, I put a piece of tape on the charge line, and wrote the word - SILENT. This has worked for several weeks, until today.

I forgot to put the phone on "ring" when I put it in my holster today. I missed 2 calls.

Sunday

I was able to attend all 3 hours this sunday at Church - without falling asleep.

My friend Kofi is in serious trouble. His roommate/cousin moved out secretly when it was his turn to pay the rent, so Kofi is stuck. He has no money. He has come to the Church to often to ask for help, and this time it is not forthcoming. The manager of his apartment complex has lost patience with him and will not give him more time. They want new tenets in that apartment. Kofi will have to move on Thursday, and he has no idea where he is going to go.

I am trying hard to keep my spirits high. I hope to have a sleep study done soon, and hopefully that will improve my health (altering the CPAP machine settings...)

My channel in YouTube, AccidentalLyrics, is starting to get popular. I have about 20 subscribers now, and I get about 100 views a day.

I entered my cartoon, Once THere Were Some Snowmen, into a Holiday Animation contest at aniboom. First prize is 35k$ and a contract deal with the Fox network.

Worse Shape Than I Thought

Monday, I was told that the tissdues looked healed in my nose. I explained that I was still not breathing freely. We decided to discontinue Claritin (because it causes a higher production of mucus) and to begin nasal steroids - to shrink the tissues behind the nose.

I think it is starting to work.

I had 2 doctor's appointments Monday, went to work for 2 hours, went shopping, and did multiple chores at home as well as paid my bills online.

Tuesday, I was in very bad shape. I had an anxiety attack and diarhea. All I did was sleep all day. I forced myself to get up a few times, but all I could manage to do was watch shows. I couldn't even play games. I was totally wiped out. It hurt my abdomen to sit up for 90 minutes to watch a movie. The anxiety I experienced was different. In my mind - I was not anxious. I had hope that changing the meds would improve my breathing, and my health would get better. It took me hours to figure out that my physical symptoms were anxiety.

It is Wednesday. I am doing better. No signs of anxiety. I built a website for Emily today. It is not available online - she needs to provide me with some text and images before I can upload it. It took me all day to make it. I would work an hour, then have to rest for an hour. I got a bad headache. IMHO, it took me 10 times longer than it should have if I was wealthy. The most disturbing thing was early on - I had a programming error - a simple one, a missing bracket. It took me 2 hours to figure out what was wrong, and it was something I normally would see right away, at the instant I make the error or shortly thereafter.

So I probably am not ready to go back to work. What I did today was easier and more fun than what I do at work.

We are going to do another sleep study soon.

Nose and Dream

I went to the MD today - there has been healing, but still have a way to go. Also, nasal tissues very inflamed - looks like allergic reaction. Left nostril completely sealed off.

It appears that even after surgery, I may need to do nasal rinses mulitple times a day because of allergens.

My MD encouraged my to talk to my apartment complex and ask them If I can get a top quaility A/C filter for my apartment.

My MD and I decided I would return to work part time. I will discuss this with my boss tomorrow.

I had a very strange dream last night. All I can remember now is that it involved a warehouse, which had an internal maze made from walls of cement. I wandered alot. Eventually I came to some people. I took off my coat, which was khaki in color and looked military. Examining the coat, there was something written in different places on the jacket. It was written in ink, and it was my handwriting. It appeared to be some kind of programming language, expressed as formulas that looked algebraic but also looked like a human language - but not English. I distinctly remember a sentence being written on the collar which would be on the back of my neck when I wore the jacket. These things were written on the outside of the jacket. A girl asked me what they were. I said "They are Mormon tattoos".

Bare Feet

I went to Church today, first time in 4 weeks. I forgot to wear a nasal strip - by the 3rd hour, I was almost sound asleep.

Kofi did not come to church today. He has not paid his electrical bill - just like last year around this same time. He has not come to Church for 2 weeks in a row - because he has no power. He said today - it was because he could not iron his suit. I think that is total bullshit.

I vacuumed my room again today - got about 50% of what I picked up last time. This junk did not appear in the last 2 days - it was residual. All the gunk under the wall-to-wall carpet doesn't come up with just one vacuuming. I will keep doing it until I get very little - then it will just be maintenance.

Interesting thing - I go barefoot in my apartment most of the time now. I stopped wearing foot wear at home after my surgery. I used to NEVER go barefoot. it was uncomfortable, and my back seemed to need the support of a shoe. But I like it now. Maybe it is because I have lost so much feeling in my feet.

I have been neglecting my toes. I have not been putting lotion on them, probably for 3 weeks now. Both big toes have split open - about 1/2 inch. I noticed it yesterday, don't know how long they have been split - it is on the underside, and is hard for me to see. So I have band-aids on today. I used Neosporin last night instead of Aveeno, over all the toes and heels.

I have gotten a lot done in the last 3 days, more so than the whole 3 weeks prior. But my computer desk is still undone. I've done about 1/2 of it.

Air Flow

I have slept better for 2 nights now - it is the purified air that makes the difference.

The HEPA helmet is too heavy for the CPAP machine - the CPAP machine is made in 3 sections, and it started to come apart last night. So that experiment is over.

I have 2 floor mounted HEPA room air purifiers that I have used consistently since the surgery. I bought them last year, but stopped using them because I wasn't notcing much difference.

My mind was clearer today when I woke up. My apartment has 1 1/2 baths - my bedroom has the 1/2. It's just a sink and a mirror. I saw something new in the mirror today. The mirror always seemed to be covered with dust. Yet the main batroom only got hard water spots. I saw a pattern in the dust today - in the streaks on the mirror. The dust is coming from the A/C vent.

Then I put it altogether. The venting comes in a straight line over the front door, and goes straight back to end with the vent into my bedroom. All the other vents come off of that duct shaft with shafts at right angles. So most of the air flow would come into my room. My filing cabinet sits 5 feet from that vent - a straight shot. The filling cabinet is black. It is always covered in tons of dust. But this was the only place in the house that had that much problem. There is dust in the rest of the house - but a very light film that takes a long time to build up.

So - I retrofitted one of my HEPA purifiers and placed the intake directly in front of the A/C vent - mounted 7 feet over the floor. The results have been very good.

I did a slow vacuuming of my room yesterday. There is only 125 square feet of rug available to vacuum in my bedroom. The rest is under a bed and my computer chair floor mat. That small amount of rug, when vacuumed slowly, completely filled the vacuum canister with fiber and dust (30 minutes of time - max). I am going to keep doing that each day until the vacuum picks up very litttle.

I got some things done today, lots more than any other day in the last few months, but got tired pretty easily. Took 2 naps in between.

I put a new HEPA filter in the unit, plus a new carbon pre-filter. The HEPA filter needs to be changed yearly, and the carbon pre-filter every 1 to 3 months. I will be changing the pre-filter every month from now on. It is always coated with grey dust. I compared the used HEPA filter with the new one. The used one had only been used in frequently over the last year - and continuously for at least a month now. The used filter had a huge off white stain on it. I may have to change it more than just yearly.

Something Else is Wrong

I am not progressing at the rate I should in recuperation - so I did an experiment today. I have been thinking about purchasing a HEPA helmet for a few years - finally got one. I wore it for 3 hours, and respiration was good - not great, but it was reasonable. I took it off an hour ago. I got congested pretty quickly.

I did have a breathe-right strip on my nose when I had the helmet on, and it came off when I took the helmet off. I just put a strip back on the nose, and breathing seems the same as it was in the helmet - results seem ambiguous.

I have retrofitted the HEPA helmet so that it fits over the air intake of my CPAP machine. I am charing the helmet battery, and I will sleep with it that way tonight.

I also checked the filter on the CPAP machine. it has 2 pre-filters - a charcoal sheet and a2 inch wide foam. The foam never appears dirty, but I change it every 6 months as specified. The charcoal prefilter was full of white particulates. This is what I see with the free stading filters that I use in the apartment - but it was much worse on the CPAP charcoal filter - a much denser coat of and off-white powder.

I had some charcoal pre-filter sheet left over from a previous project, so I cut out a piece in the shape on the CPAP intake valve. It is twice as thick as the filter that comes with the CPAp unit, so I hope that this does not alter the overall pressure delivered to my lungs. I suspect not, because the filter is ebfore the pressurizing chamber - and the CPAP machines have to be designed to operate at any level or air pressure - from the highest peak in Colorado to the beach shores of California - huge range.

I am trying hard to not get depressed. All I want is to wake up feeling alert and rested - with some energy to apply to life.

Emily re-arranged the furniture in her nedroom today - it is a much better configuration than I had done. She is contiunue to investigate how to get established as an Event/Wedding planner. She bought some books. She has been doing research into certifications - but they appear not to be State certification. All the certificate means is that you passed a test given by a group that claims to know a lot about the business. There is some evidence that these organizations acts also as guilds - helping make connections between alumni with different/compatible skills and in providing customer referrals.

There was a terrible storm last night. There were flash floods right in my neighborhood, but I was unaffected. Heavy rain and thunder all night.

I did not get to sleep until 5AM. My body was scared to let go, for fear of not getting enough air. It was subsonscious, but I know that this was the reason I kept wanting to watch "just one more show". I was awakened by my phone 4 hours alter at 9 AM - a Text Message from some business. I slept for another 4 hours, but I was tossing and turning the whole time - not enough air, and too cold.

Strange Day

Breathing better today - a little more energy. I did an experiment just now where I willed myself to feel good. It was very good - not ecstacy, but more than just well being.

I ordered a very good bed rest pillow. When I slept in the lounge chair, my hips and lower back did not hurt at all in the morning. When I sleep on my bed, even with 13 inches of memory foam, I wake up with pain in my hips. Today, I woke up with a lot of pain in the right hip. So I experimented with different configurations of pillows on the bed and in the lounge chair. I eventually decided to commit the funds to purchase the pillow and pay for expedited shipment. I want it soon hoping that it is the last part of the formulae to prepare me to go back to work.

I started waching "instnat" movies and TV series on Netflix. I have discovered a show called "dead like me". I love it - my kind of humor.

I tried watching the original TV show "Monty Python's Flying Circus" - I couldn't stand to watch it. Same with the BBC 'Dr. Who' series with Tom Baker. I used to love the shows, to the point of obsession. Now they bore me.

I watched an episode of Outer Limits today, the new series, called "Inconstant Moon". I really liked that.

I purchased fresh ground peanut butter at Whole Foods today - I really like it. It's just peanuts - no additives, not even oil.

I got measured for a Tux Today - sent the metrics to the wedding tailor shop in California.


Even with different people not communicating to toher family members, occuring on multiple sides to my extended family, and I at pease with it today.

I was really pleased to hear that Amy's Nic was giving driving lessons to my nephew James. Way to go Nic! I really appreciate this kindness and the closer bond you will form with James.

what the ...

I woke up groggy again. Not zombie groggy, but pretty groggy - feeling tired and kind of blank.

I rinsed my nose, and airflow was bettter. It washed out a few clots - bigger then normal, but not huge, and real gooey.

after 10 more minutes, I blew my nose again. Wow. A huge scab came out. 3/4 inch long - oval shaped, 1/3 inch wide, thick and hard. It came from the left nostril. The rinse did not clear that nostril, and it is still sealed off - just like old times.

The air feels cold as it passes through my nose. On occassion, some clear fluid runs out of my nose. I am not used to this. it tickles sooooo baaad that I have a sneezing fit.

Still Healing

It is Sunday. Yesterday, I wok eup super groggy. I was in a fog all day, had difficulty breathing. Rinsed over 10 times that day. Today I set the alarm so I could go to Church. I only got about 6 hours sleep. I woke up more lucid, but my nose relaly hurts today. It hurts to wear my glasses. I can only waer them for about 10 minutes at a time. I have been using the computer without them, using emmory to remember where to click. I put cold compresses on my nose today, and put many cold things in my mouth, to help ease the pain.

It is Sunday night. The pain is lower. My thoughts are pretty clear. I have been trying to remember to make this entry all day - finally did it.

I am not ready to go back to work. I am having a hard time just getting little things done. I make mistakes - dumb ones - but I laugh about them. Things will get better.

Addendum: I am about to go to bed and did the last nasal rinse of the day. This is the first time, EVER, in which there was no blood. after the surgery their was a lot, but even before the surgery, there was always a little. Just now, it was all clear fluid.

Water weight

I am at 300 LBS again. I believe over half of this 50 LB gain is water retention. why? because there is no pain in my lumber. When I was at 300 LBS last time, my 3 herniated disks in the lumbar hurt all the time. Now they don't hurt at all - even though I stopped taking the pain meds for 2 weeks as a result of prep for surgery.

No wonder my feet are so swollen.

sdalkn'dnad'knasdknd'n'dnka'd;nka';dkn

Couldn' think of a good title. I am breatrhing a little better, but it is still just as bad or worse thqn before surgery. I have no energy. The hardest part is attitude - I can feel something pulling me down into depression. I am resisting it.

I finally learned the official word for having no sense of smell - anosmia.
I am an ANOSMIAC. I love it - it sounds like maniac.

I asked the surgeon if there was any anatomical reason why I had no sense of smell. He said that he could see no injury, etc. Congenital Anosmia is typically caused by a virus - more then one can do it - even the common cold.

My Doctor said that even if the sensory patch existed now, there would be so little airflow into that region that I wouldn't smell much anyway.

The Suegeon added that a sense of smell is something that developes after you are born. The metabolical environment for that development is over. Even if I had the sensors and airflow could get to them, my brain would not form the initial pathways that allows us to distinguish between smells. It would not be like a blind man suddenly being able to see later in life.

Nose Down

I am in a weird state. When I saw the surgeon 2 days ago, I was still on pain pills, so I had someone drive me to the appointment. I was alert, and was getting enough air to almost feel normal.

I wanted to be able to drive yesterday, so I only use the pain pills at night. I was able to drive fine.

Airflow blockage has really increased. It takes me a long time to fall alseep. I think I am afraid to sleep. I was up several times last night doing nasal rinses. Today, airflow is much worse than before the surgery - if this continues, there is no way I am going to work next week. I am having a hard time holding a thought in my head.

Dr. Rohn and I laughed about how sensitive the nose is after surgery. Just a slight bump on the tip of the nose and there was pain. He said this would continue for weeks. Today, when I pres on the end of my nose, there is hardly any pain, and I haven't taken Vicodin since last night when I went to bed.

But there is also almost no airflow, even after a rinse - and the improvement from rinsing doesn't last long.

I am glad Emily is not here - I wouldn't want her to see me like this I am barely functional. I plan to get as much sleep as possible today.

New Nose is Good Nose

I saw the surgeon today - things are going well. I am stuffy today, but very little pain. I am going to stop taking the happy pills so I can drive again.

He says I will go through ups and downs in congestion and blockage in air flow, but it will be getting better each day for the next month. I will see him again on the July 8th.

I saw this in Discover Magazaine, may 2009 issue, article "The Biocentric Universe" by Robert Lanza and Bob Berman.

When particles are created as a pair, for instance, two electrons in a single atom that move or spin together, physicists call them entangled. Due to their intimate connection, entangled particles share a wave function. When we measure one particle, and thus collapse its wave function (due to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle), the other particle's wave function collapses, too.

If one photon is observed to have a verticle polarization (it's waves all moving in one plane)
the act of observation causes the other to instantly go from an indefinite probability wave
to an actual photon of the opposite. horizontal polarity - even if the two photons have since
moved far from each other.

In 1997, University of Geneva Physicist Nicolas Gisin sent two entangled photons zooming along optical fibers until they were 7 miles apart. One photon then hit a two-way mirror, where it had a choice: either bounce off or go through. Detectors recorded what it randomly did. But whatever action it took, its entangled twin aways performed the complementary action. The communication between the two happened at least 10,000 times faster then the speed of light. it seems quantum news travels instantaneoulsy....Since then other researchers have duplicated Risin's work

THAT IS SOOO COOOOOOL

and yes, I am on drugs

No Bed Rest

Dr. Rohn said I should sleep propped up for the firwt few days. I tried sleeping at night in the bed th last 2 days - wake up with terrible head pain. Until this is over, I am sleeping in the chair.

I find if I sip cold water and press it against my 2 front teeth, that realy helps with the swelling.

When I sleep soundly, I really sweat.

It hurts to wear eye glasses - I just took them off.
The CPAP mask and the wyw glass leave a blue mark over the brindge of my nose.
I have relaly loosened the straps on the CPAP face mask

Swelling is eraching my ears.
fever gone back up into the 99s

Need to shop and get more pills today

Nose Surgery day 3

I miscalculated and am using distilled water much faster then I thought, so a firend is bringin me 2 gallons today. I am rinsing my nose very often and also using it in the CPAP machine, to help keep the tissue moist.

The bleeding has pretty much stopped, but the swelling has really getting bad. They gave me some happy pills (Vicodine), which were fine for the last 2 days, but not quite enough today. But using ice has really helped alot.

I did not sleep well last night and feel drained today.

Fever peaked Friday night at 99.9, but now is back centered about 98.6.

I have downloaded a copy of Firefly, and really enjoying watching it again.

Church Names

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

then there was a separation, those members who did not migrate to Salt Lake City formed their own Church:
The Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

which is quite a mouthful, so they changed it to:

The Community of Christ

which sounds somewhat generic - perhaps mosre like the names of other Christian Churches.
so I thought - let's rename the LDS Church to fit in more with the other Chirstians, something like:

Saint Mormon's Restored Gospel Church

Time

I felt better today when I woke up. Saturday I was stumbling around, like I used to before I was using CPAP to assit my breathing at night. My feet were not cold, though, so still better then 3 years ago.

I have realized tonight that the reason I keep staying up late is because I am afraid to go to sleep, that I won't wake up again. It is frustrating and scary to not get enough air.

I remember the first time i really noticed it. I was at work in San Ramon, CA. My office was on the 3rd floor. One day I took the stairs. I was so winded by the time I got to my floor - just 2 flights of stairs. I remember thinkning - this isn't right, why is this happening. I had n0o answer.

I took Emily to go see the new Star Trek movie - it was good. They did some clever plot twists that leave room for a lot of sequels.

I bought a Laz-y-boy char today, to use when I am recuperating from surgery. It is a backup plan, in case I am unable to breathe well while lying on my back. For the first 2 weeks, I won't be able to breathe through my nose very much, perhaps not at all. I have noticed that when I sleep in the car, with my chair tilted at 45 degrees, that is when air passes thru the easiest.

Weird Dream

I juat woke up from a weird dream. I was in a different apartment, and my late wife Karen was still alive. I was preparing to leave for the day. There were a plate of treats on a counter next to the door. They looked like strawberries and whipped cream in a hot dog bun, but the bread was thicker and had a yellow tint to it. I took one, and Karen gave me an "Oh. Brother" look, like saying: I don't think you should do that - you are trying to be healthy.

As I started to leave through the door, I decided to morve a fern from inside the house to outside the house, The fern was in a pot, and was 5 feet tall, and a bit skinny, like a corn stalk. So I was going through the door backwards, dragging this fern with one hand, and holding a pastry in the other. I would tug on the fern with my left hand, and try not to squeeze on the pastry in my other hand. We had a covered entry way on the porch. It wsa raining very hard outside, but I was under the awning, so I stayed dry.

All of a sudden, the fern turned into foam rubber, It didn't look like a lant anymore. it looked like a 5 foot tall, 3 feet wide, 3 inch think sheet of foam rubber. I turned to look at the pastry in my right hand - it had turned into as piece of foam rubber too, with pink stains on the edges. I was cunfused sabout the plant transformation, but upset about the change in the pastry. I realy wanted to eat it, and I felt deprived.

I went back inside, leaving the big sheet of foam rubber on the porch. I lifted up the foam pastry in my right hand, but said nothing. She said: Tough Luck, you can't have another one. I was disapponted because there were a few more on the plate. I noticed some strawberry chucnks that had fallen out of the bun onto the rug as I left earlier. Karen nodded as if to say - ok, you can eat that. So I knelt down and scooped them up and nibbled on them.

Then I looked at my fight foot. My shoe was gone, and had been replaced with cloth and some kind of binding cord. There were multiple layers of cloth. The outside was almost completely covered in binding cord in a tight spiral pattern. I started to unravel it. I was very upset. Karen asked me why I was so upset. I said because I had no idea how this happened. I did not know where my shoe was. What made me the most upset was that this was the second time it happened, where I come home, and my right shoe has been replaced with something of inferior design and materials.

Dernit

I slept 12 hours - so I am back where I started on the sleep cycle. I should have gone to bed at 6 PM lsat light.

My Feet Look Like Balloons

I have had insomnia pretty bad for weeks now. I am usually awake until 3 or 4 AM. I've tried everything else, so this Friday - I just didn't go to bed. I have been awake for 22 hours now. If I go to sleep now, I can wake up at 6AM after 9 hours of sleep. I want to get back on schedule.

The rumor is that the strike will start Monday. This is a single source rumor - someone saw a cryptic entry on a computer calendar of one fo the Union Reps for Monday the 4th. It could just be a ruse - both sides do that to each other.

I have been sitting down for most of the day. My feet are really puffed up. Not swollen or sore, but definititely bloated. I might wear compression socks tomorrow.

I watched 4 episodes that made up the whole on a historical documentary on the MEdici family of Italy and their influence in the renascience. The episodes are posted on YouTube. It was really well done.

I have officially lost it

I gave Kofi a ride to Church today. We arrived 2 hours early. I forgot what time Church started.

Mixed Up

Emily is on her way here - I am so excited. I don't think she wiill read this while she is traveling. The Esater Bunny brought her a basket and everything.

I am very sore - worked too hard today.

I realized this week that I have organized my kitchen twice, and both times I have left a cabinet to the left of the sink completely empty and didn't even know it. It makes me wonder how many other things I have not notced.

I am back up to 280 LBS. I have been eating like a pig.

I am looking forward to Church tomorrow. I have been invited to Easter Dinner at the Marr's home - he is now the HP Quorum group leader. They are a cute couple.

Save this website to get the latest news of AT&T Strike Negotiations.
http://www.att.com/gen/general?pid=10885

A little better

Today was better. Work Laptop still broken - I have a call into a tech 6to coem fix it - who knows how long that will take...

I got a lot of chores done, but the list is long, and I played a lot today. I also watched several Dexter's lab Cartoons. It put me in a good mood.

Not so great of a day

TOday was going to be a gerat day. My daughter, Emily, was graduating from college, I felt good, I wanted to apply myself at work.

Then I got to work to find that my laptop is broken. I have no idea how to get it fixed. I have no phone numbers (except a few of my immediate management - no answer).

we'll see what tomorrow brings

Strike is emminent

Rumor is becoming more detailed. Union workers will not get paid for Good Friday unless they work the day before and after the holiday. That means the soonest the Strike will happen is Easter Sunday.

They would have more impact if they waited until Monday Morning to Strike. People who took the chance and took plane flights will not be able to get a flight back to home quick enough.

Also, one tactic the union used last time was to work a little slower just prior to the Strike, to build up a backlog for their strike-replacements. This appears to be happening here and there.

I think the strike is going to go for awhile. The Union leadership is actually doing an impressive job. http://www.cwa-union.org/news/cwa-at-t-should-work-with-us-to-find-real-health-care-solutions.html

They even have an anthem http://files.cwa-union.org/national/att/song.mp3

The Strike will be at EASTER

THe rumor is that the strike will be at EASTER. That is when the most number of employeews will be tempted to travel far from home to see relatives. It would hav ethe most impact.

So I am going to get as much rest as I can tween then and now.

I didn't go to Support group today. I was almost there - but then I had an accident and had to go home and clean myself up. I guess I really didin't want to go anyway.

I seem to be losing weight again - but real slow.

Wiped Out

I did not speel well Feiday Night. Satruday Morning was the Strike Prep meeting. I worked with live data. it took me 4 hours to do what had been budgeted 2. My brain was mush. When it was over, I could barley walk.

I went home, and finished getting Emily's room ready, and finished most of my chores.

I then went to the Priesthood Session of general conference. I did not change clothes. I sat in the foyer, in the softer chairs. I could barely stay awake enough to listen. When I was over, I walked with a grimace on my face, my back hurt so much. I came hoem, and went to bed.

Today, I finished the cores (not quite) - still some laundry to do. I have mis-managed my time, and I will run out of certain food products ina few days. I thought I had bought enough, but I am not thinking clearly. I will have to go shopping after a 12 hour work day tomorrow as a result, if the strike happens.

I checked my phone messages today. My phone had been set on silent, and I forgot about it. There was an important message from my landlord. I forgot to pay my rent. I have the money. I just fogot to do it when I paid everything else.

I am a zombie today.

Emily's room is almost ready.

I had to move karen's Shrine out of the spare bedroom, so I moved it to a corner piece in my room. See foto above

I have a Strike Preparation meeting tomorrow at 10 AM for 2 hours.

I am setup to recieve texts if we go on strike.

Z'Okay

I saw my Psych today. Since I am down to 0.5 mg Xanax daily, he has approved my request to remain on it until the Strike is over.

I spent the day making reference materials to help me remember what to do on Strike Duty.

I found out it might be possible for me to go to Amy's Wedding and have surgery in May, if I fill out an exception form. Of course, I can't find the form online...

I organized the house a little more today, in preparation for Emily's arrival.

Getting A Nose Job

I went to an ENT Specialist today to examine my nose and throat. There is not much we can do about the throat. I have a huge tongue - oh well. Removing the tonsils is possible, but he didn't suggest it, so neither was I.

The nose is a different matter. I have never had good air flow thru my nose. Heck, I've never had average air flow through my nose.

The reason is: my nasal turbinates are huge. Not just large - huge - making airflow nearly impossible. Here is a few links:
http://snorepedia.org/images/pics/frau_5b1_m.jpg
http://www.theasthmacenter.org/bdh_pics/41220.gif

The soonest I can have the surgery is May. The AT&T strike is making scheduling difficult. Some divisions have been told "No Time of until September".

He says that I will be amazed at the difference.

I did a lot of re-arrangement of the apartment today, in preparation for Emily's arrival. Still lots more to do. When she gets here we'll do an IKEA day to get her a bed.

Is Anyone Reading This?

I spent all 8 hours at work today preparing for the strike.
I am making my own reference material.

Earlier this week, I made a huge proposal to management.
It is to build a Wiki with common knowlege from all of AT&T
No response yet.

I felt like crap when I woke up today, but as the day progressed I felt much better. I was very lucid today - perhaps too much.

I realized today that I must prepare the second bedroom for Emily NOW, because I may be doing Strike Duty next week. There is a great deal to do. I don't know how I am going to get it all done. I'll probably have to cut back on my Dragon-Wars play-time.

Mid-Day Entry

I am going to make an entry now, so I don't forget.

I woke up this morning with my underwear drenched in sweat. This is not a new behavior. It comes and goes, and has happened for decades. During these peridos, I change my underwear twice a day, when I awake, and when I retire. Sometimes I do that all the time. It is why I do such large batches of whites in the eash.

I spent 5 hours at the Churchhouse this morning, cleaning. I choose only one task - vacuuming the chapel. There was a light psrinkling of glitter everywhere. What took so long was getting the glitter of the upholstery of the pews. The Church really cut back on janitorial expenses about a decade ago, and asked the memebers to volunteer their time to clean the building. Although this saves a lot of money, it isn't the reason they did that. It was to teach respect. The number of cases of vandalism being done by the youth of the Church took a steep spike, so this is, in part, a reaction to that generation.

I got mad at Dragon Wars player-parasites that whittle away at my earnings a bit at a time. That is how some people play the game - pillaging. I spent far more money and time than it was worth resisting them. Now I ignore them, but I also try to remove the cash from the till ASAP. My character, Seacil, is currently earning 22.5 million dollars an hour. I would like to incerase that to 100 million an hour - I figured it out - it is possible, but will take a long time.

There was a belated St. Patrick's Day celebration at Church at 6:30 PM, where we were supposed to wear green and bring green food. So I went - except that it was yesterday - I got the days mixed up. This is the second time I have done this.

I went all the way to McKinney to get a new exercise ball today (a whole 17 miles). It is an outdoor mall that is like a small city. Literally, hundreds of stores, all together. I went to Sports Authority because that is the only name I could think off. I bought my original exercise balls at Target, but the target's here don't sell that kind of gear. They sell stuff for kids - baseball gloves, etc. Make lots more money with that, so no shelf space.

I had purchased another exercise ball for when I came to Jennie's wedding, but they wr out of my size, so it was too small, but was OK at the time. It was the Gaiam brand - which I really like. Today, there was no Gaiam brand in the store. In fact, all the gear was one brand - body-fit, the generic brand for Sports Authority. The exercise balls looked identical to Gaiam, only the name was different. Pretty Good marketing. I suspect that no exercise gear would do very well in Texas with "Gaia" in the name.

We have upped my Vit-D to 3000 a day. I inquired about also upping calcium and Magnesium - he said no - Vit-D is the key. Once we get that right, then we can consider altering the dosage of the CA and MG.

Dang it. I have been taking Terafabine (to fight fungus) for 2 months now - typically goes for 3 to 6 months - and I am losing another toe nail.

Ssssssphngk

I just realized something - and it may be important - don't know. I am barely lucid today - I will not get much done.

I just rinsed my nose. While blowing the water out (breathe thru mouth, out thru nose, hard, into a kleenex. When I do that, about 1/3rd of the time, it fails. THe air started to blast thru my nose, then it makes this sound: Ssssssphngk, and it stops compeltely. It is like the air pressure I built up in my lungs is instantly gone, but it didn't go out my nose or my mouth. Where did it go - out my ears?

Weird.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just had an email exchange with my doctor. The air probably went into the esophagus - I swallowed it. It is probably nothing, but it is something I need to tell the ENT specialist when I see him next week

Freedom of the Press in Texas

There is quite a bit of freedom of the press in Texas, as long as it is ultra-right wing, sexist or lewd. I am surprised at what does get allowed, and what is not. I haven't seen one liberal blurb from the many universities here.

The "Observer" is published for free. The covers aer pretty extreme. I have been wanting to put an image in this blog so you can see how stark it is. Finally they made one that, although base, is creative enough to balance it out - at least for adult consumption.

Redirection

http://seacilspeoples.blogspot.com/

Seacil is the name of my Dragon Wars character.
I created this other blog to get more people to want to be my allies, and to help them advance faster in the game, thereby benefiting ME. ME!!!! IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!!

Becoming Clearer

I am so hook on Dragon Wars its pathetic.

I just took a nap with the CPAP machine attached. Did a nasal rinse jsut b4 then. Woke up 60 minutes later - totally clogged up. Could be the CPAP filter, tubing and/or facebook? ORdered replacements. My insurance would have paid for this a long time ago. They have actually called 4 times over the last 8 months asking if anything needed to be replaced. I would still have to pay my percentage (I think it is 10%). I have washed it about 5 times - but I am supposed to do that every week. Silly me.

I am back in a state where I have to remember to eat. I don't have to force it down. I did wake up hungry, and the oatmeal tasted real good. But fruit tastes dishusting. The clementines I love so much have ust a little sweetness, and are tart with a twinge of bitterness. I am still eating them. I did have toe "remember" at work. My first clue was my lack of concentration, Ate some food and suddenly I was able to think clearer - imagine that.

I got my specific Strike assignement today. I will be processing refunds and money transfers. I have more training to do. The union has voted to strike - it means nothing really. It just means that 88% of the people who showed up to vote were in favor of the strike. That doesn't mean its going to happen - we are still negotiating. In fact, I am surprised that anyone would vote at all that wasn't for the strike. That 12% - probably would be hit too hard by skipping even one 2 week paycheck - and have no backup funds - not even from teh union (such as newly hired telephone operators). IMHO, that fact that 12% went to the trouble to show up is significant - but too small. My gut reaction is that they will walk.

While surfin d net I came accross a band called "The All-American Rejects". They are mediocre, but I can't stop listening to them. They have a video called "Move Along" which I really, really like. I think what I like about it is that they are using EMO musical technique to present a message of hope and support. Lacuna Coil is much better metal. But AAR is infectious.
http://www.allamericanrejects.com/video/2472020:Video:284

Can't sleep - 2 nights in a row

3 Am and I am stil awake - I forgot to take my night time pills - just took them now.

worked from home today - too weary to trust myself driving. Have to drive tomorrow - all out of bananas.

Played Dragon Wars a lot today. Character is named Seacil. Currently earning over 900,000 dollars an hour at level 33 dwarf. That's really good.

backed up on everything - paperwork, house work, etc.

I am still at 270 LBS - have hardly done cardio again this week.
My feet and ankles are really retaining water. Probably not wlaking enough.

I realize today that I haven't made any phone calls back home for a long time.
Time to do it.

Thursday is already over!!!

Where did the day go?

I see an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) specialist on April Fool's Day.

Something is up at work - I got ZERO emails today. Server must be down.

I did 4 nasal rinses today, and used a breathe-right strip for most of the day. Even with all of that, I was having a hard time breathing around 3:00 PM. I did go home early, but I really wanted to work more.

I have decided that I really like laptops, although I would like the keyboards to be wider because of my big hands. So my next computer will be a laptop - no more desktop or towers for me. It will make the transition to Macintosh easier - I can keep both computers, and transfer files over the internet. I should actually start using internet based services exclusively, so that I am not locked into an one operating system because of old data files. Oh, just so you remember - I HATE MICROSOFT VISTA. (raspberry!!!!!)

Did Contingency Planning Training Today

I did Contingency Planning Training today at work. That is what they call it - my preparation for taking over someione else's job when they go on strike. Whoopideeeedo!

I went to the Temple this evening.

I have decided to slow down leveling-up in Dragon Wars so I can derive more defense points using quest dropped magical weapons.

Today went by way too fast.

I fell asleep

I have been working on something at work for weeks, and finished/publisehd it Friday.
Monday I find out it was completely unnecessary. I Was given the task by some one 2 larers above me in managment. I felt so foolish. I got upset. My nasal passages became blocked.

One nostril was more open than the other. It was only 11 AM, and I had already done 2 nasal rinses. I didn't want to do another one so soon - overdoing it can cause pneumonia. So I attempted to excavate a wider passage in the more open nostril. I scarred the tissue, and it began to bleed. It was a bad nose bleed. My nostril scabbed over, and I fell sound asleep at my desk. I didn't even know it happened.

One of my co-workers woke me up because I was snoring so loud it was distrubing people. I went home. My reaction time was very slow. I did not feel safe driving, but did not know what else to do.

I have done some research on possible treatments, and discovered something called a nasal dilator (new form of nasal stent). I have just emailed my Doctor to ask his opinion. I gotta fix this - I want to work and I want to feel good. Am I asking too much to have enough oxygen to not kill brain cells?

The Rate of the Union Address

The United States has not been that united. We are growing into it. The constitution almost was not ratified by the original 13 colonies. Even after nearly 100 years, there was a civil war. And having a common currency is a recent thing. I found these fotocopies lying around at Church, and snagged them.

I have a sore throat. I let the computer and other electronics run all day in my bedroom, and it got too hot. So I adjusted things so it would cool off and went to sleep. I awoke in the middle of the night just shivering. I need to be more careful.

I Don't Need More Evidence

I want to talk about Dragon Wars today. It is a game on Facebook and MySpace. it is actually a poorly constructed game, but it is so addictive. It is not the kind of game you play for hours at a time. It is a real time game - and you can play just 15 minutes a day - any time during the day.

One of the aspects of the game is that you need to create alliances with other players to do well. So I got excited and went to discussion boards and invited over 40 random people to be my facebook friends for the purpose of forging an alliance in Dragon Wars.

The next morning, all the money I had in the game bank was gone. My first thought was - one of those "friends" hacked into my treasury. They are not able to do that using the game interface. But there are a lot of scripts avaiable on the WWW that you can install to do things beyond what the origiinal developers intended. None of these scritps are official.

I was angry. I courteously uninvited all those friends - saying that one of them violated me. this spooked other players, who responded to me about it. I sent the IDs of all those people to the developers and told them what I thought happened.

Later, another player responded to my discussion board posts - saying it was more likely a glitch during a software upgrade than a hack. I know that software upgrades on these 24/7 high transaction volume games have problems when they upgrade.

Once in World of Warcraft, I experienced a glitch where I would kill a lion, and it would ressurect again immediately, with an additional clone. The game is designed that you cannot just start over. When your character dies, you spirit appears at the nearest graveyard, and you have to direct your spirit to where your body has lain, and re-enter it, to continue playing. As I re-entered the body, I would only get a few feet away before I was killed again by at least 20 lions. It took a long time for me to get away from there. It was a bug from a software upgrade.

So I accepted that new explanation, and I felt a lot better about life.

But my reaction of un-inviting all those people was rash, and I am paying for it. It appears that you can only invite so many people to be in your alliance. After that, you have to ask other people to let you into their alliance. I used up all my invites. So now it is harder for me to grow my crew.

To make it worse, the game developers made an offering today to appease the players that lost money. They offered a limited time only that was too good to pass up. I could buy a tavern for 58,000 and it would generate 12,000 dollars every hour. But in order to buy the tavern, you had to have an alliance of a certain size. Each tavern would cost 1000 more and require 2 more allience members. So I gathered what I could, and bought 3 taverns today. I would have loved to buy more, but I could not get allies fast enough.

So my expectations of recieving less (or having less) came true simply because that was how I was dealing with the universe in that game. I got what I expected. The Secret is true - I just wasn't true to the Secret - that is, I didn't use the secret to my advantage - better said: I used the Secret to my disadvantage. I did this - I caused this.

-------------------------------------
Addendum: Wow! Wow! Wow! Just 30 minutes after making this blog post, I almost had enough money to buy another tavern. The instant I made enough money to get a tavern, a person popped up to be my new ally, and I could close the deal. He showed up riight in time, as if on cue.

Good Day

I gave blood today to take tests to make sure I am alright. Had to fast.

I did some good research today - but things are so haphazard at work, I don't know if what I am doing is redundant to someone's elses activity, or if it is already known, etc. Kind crazy.

I was so tired today. I didn't walk enough, and my spine hurts. I will begin taking hydrochlorothiazide again tomorrow. It is a diuretic, so I stopped taking it, but just for a while. Now I am retaining water, and my ankles hurt. so I really should take it, and not just because of hypertension.

I am officially addicted to a facebook game called Dragon Wars. It's a dumb game, but I can't walk away.

I am not craving sweets anymore. Maybe a little, but it is easy to resist.

Better Day

My mind is beginning to clear up. I had more energy today - worked 7 hours. Woke up after just 4 hours, went back to bed for 2 more, then got up. I guesss it takes a week for the Xanax to take affect. I was a little more aware today.

I took the missionaries out to dinner tonight. We had seafood. I had an accident again, but at least I made it in the front door before it happened.

totally Out of It

I didn't evebn last an hour at work today. I could not stay awake. I went in to take care of an administrativ3e thing that had to happen today. I was unable to control my bladder on the way home. This has really depressed me. I could not face to world after that. Tomorrow will be better. Right now, I cannot focus on anything for more than 15 minutes.

Sleepy Day

I jsut couldn't wake up today. I reset the alarm for 30 more minutes 3 times - not like me. Once I got up, I was totaly groggy. By the time I got to work, I was feeling awake, but this lasted only 3 hours, and I fell sound alseep at my desk. I went home, and use some nasal spray to see if that would clear my congestion. My thinking was that I had labored breathing when using my nose, so the sleepiness was oxygon deprivation. I went to a doctor's appointment, and then back to work. I lasted an hour, and was totally sleepy. This time was nose was clear. I stopped fighting it. I went home and now I am getting ready for bed.

Changing things up

I am going to start making these entries at night. If you read me entries, you will see I am always talking about "yesterday". I have 2 periods each day when I am sitting still at home - when I use my mood light in the morning, and when I wait for my body to get ready for sleep. I can't sleep unless I am a little cold, and it takes about 30 minutes for my sleep med to work.

I got this picture from 30 feet away in my car. This Cardinal, the first one I ever remember seeing, flew into a dormant wooded area next to the parking lot at work. It really stood out against the grey tree trunks. I got out of the car to see if I could get a picture through the openings in the cyclone fence, but it flitted away.

I saw my first flying insect this week. it was huge - like a gargantuan mosquito. But there was only one.

I copied my audio CDs of the Book of Mornon onto my hard drive, and then edited them to just contain the chapter summaries. It took 3 CD ROMs to hold them, but not because of their size - but because of their count. A CD Rom will only allow you to have 99 tracks.

Then I cut and pasted the chapter heading of the Book of Mormon text fromt eh Church website into an excel file. I played the CD ROMs at double speed, and used a guide to keep my eyes on the corresponding text. I was able to read the entire summary of the Book of Mormon in 60 minutes. I am getting used to this. Double speed seems too slow now, but I haven't found anything cheap that will go faster. There is a device I can buy that can go up to 7 times faster, but it costs $700 dollars. No Way!

I sent off the paper work today to join the American Historical Society of Germans from Russia. I was a member about 20 years ago. This time I hope they have more genealogy information available online. I want to advance my Mother's Line. We only have 2 generations back, and then the info cuts off because of the communist revolution. The Russians were prejudiced against the Germans in the Volga, which is why the Seckinger's left the village of Frank, which they helped to found 100 years earlier. If I can establish this link, I can get at least 5 more generations back.