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I can't cintinue klike this
I am hungry, but the tiought of eating is disgusting.
I can't keep my attention on anything.
Nothing is interesting.
I can only sleep for a few hours.
I have no energy to do anything.
None of my prescribed drugs are working

I sleep, I get up, I try to pee, but nothing happens.
I ploay with the dog, I try the internet
then I lay down again.

I have done this cycle 3 times alreaqdy.

How am I going to worki tomorrow.

I keep imagining that I am going to be fired tomorrow

One thing is certain.
Once that spinal cord stimulaotr is back in my body,
I have to get as far away from AT&T as I can
It's killing me

Ann8iversary

I am going to leave the misspellings and mis-key-strokes in this blog entry.  You can see one in the title.

Friday was the 7th aniversary of my wife's death.  It was also a very bad day at work.  The PM on my project said something incredible ignorant, calculated to make me look bad.   She asked it as a question, but it was really a judgement.   She is sly like that.   I do not believe she is that ignorant of technology.  If she is, she is not qualified to do the job she is doing.   I feel she kinew that this was the day my wife died, and calculated this event to do me the most hurt at my weakest time.

I have sent an email telling her not to contact me in any way in the future.  If she does so, I will file a harrassment claim through a lawyer, against her, my boss and AT&T in general.   I am sure she will do so.   When I told her I didn't like her sending text messages to me over and over, she did so incessantly for over an hour.

I have sent an email to my Boss describing in one sentence to technical tasks.   My PM considers them of the same complexity, which is why she judged me to be a poor performer.   I asked my Boss to tell me if he knows that those 2 tasks are not even remotely the same.   He once told me that he knows nothing about software.

If I don't have an answer by Monday, I will assume he can't tell the difference either.   If he can't, there is no point in continuing to work on this.   They have no idea the size of the burden they have placed on me to justify myself.   My Boss challenged me to do this.

I have been taking 2 seroquel at night now to help me stop having homicidal thoughts.  a year ago, one of those pills would knock me out for 12 hours.   For the last 2 weeks, they don't do anything at all.  

The only way I have been able to sleep is by eating chocolate to raise my bllod suger, and then when it drops, I can fall sleep,. It can't be candy, only reese's PB cups work.   And it has to be the mini ones that areb't wrapped.   That has the correct ratio of sugar. chocolate and protein, and the bag contains just the right amount to work.   This is dangerous, because I could go into a diabetic coma, but I don't know what else to do, I have to sleep.

If I get too much sugar, I cannot fall alseep until it gets under 150.

This is the month where we get our annual review results, our wage increase and bonus amount.  The bonus will help pay off debt.   I should get a 10% bonus, but I b3et my Boss gives me very littloe, because I have not reqched a point where I can demonstrate my tool.

Depending on what happens in the next week, I am going to buy a hand gun.   I am not sure if it will remain in a drawer, or be used for suicide or homicide.   If it was today, it would be suicide

This is bad

An important aspect of my project at work has stopped working.   It is not a coding issue.  The tool or my laptop has changed in some way that refuses to let that technology work.   I have spent 4 days, and canot identify it.   It makes me look and feel incompetent.

I ate bakery sweets on Valentines day - too many,   The sugar low gave me a long sleep - too long.  I had mis-managed my meds again, and ran out of Ambien.   So sleep was difficult.   I finalloy got some yesterday, and then I forgot to take my bedtime meds.   I woke up at 1 AM in great pain.

The anniversary of Karen's passing is this week.   My thopughts are lonely and dark.  I am getting depressed.   The only thing that helped was the game Pirate 101.   I had stopped paying for several weeks.

I am now wearing thigh length compression stockings to control pain.  Which means I can only get foot massages on the weekend.

Most weekends I just sleep all day both days.   Part of this could also be Seasonal Affectiveness disorder.   This is a transition period wear the amount of blue light reaching the ground is increasing each day.   It is the transition period that are the worst.

My doctor won't increase the amount of Vitamin D..  I am taking 5000 IU.   Many of my firneds are taking more than twice that.

My insurance will only support 5.0 mg of Testoerone a day, but it isn't enough to bring my testosterone level within the normal range.   I guess I will just have to investigate how to get more naturally.

I have found the peanut buttter I can use to mix with Spirulina.  It is made in Williamsburg, Virginia, which is a city re-enacting how life was in the COlonial operiod.   The PB is soupy and has no additives, not even salt.   It is expensive.

I know the reason

The swelling in my legs isd callled lidema (not sure of spelling).  It is not cuased by gravity, like edema.   It is caused by diabetes.

I have reasoned out the timing.

Spinal cord stimulator comes out.   Can't stand up long enough to get freshground peanut butter.   Even with the stimulator in, I could barely stand long enough to get 6 small containers of PB, which only lasts 3 days - at most.   And sometimes the machine was near empty, so wasted trip.  

It cost 600$ to get a grinder like the one at whole foods, and I am not sure if it works on household current

I switch to store bought PB, too much sugar/fat -> lidema 2 weeks after surgery.

I have been mixing Spirulina with PB until if I mix anymore, it won't be a paste.  That is 3 parts PB to 1 part Spirulina.   I will try half and half.

I have to wear compression hose, and give myself shots everyday now.   It is not insulin.  It's brand name is victoza

Took a Day off

I took today off.   I felt horrible when the alarm went off.   TUrned it off and remained in bed until time for my therapist to call.  The call went well.

I called my boss & my PM, but she didn't get my vmail.   My obss told her in my staff meeting, so she sent a text.

I went back to bed and slept another 5 hours.   I went to bed early the night before, so I guessw I really needed it.  I stayed up just long enough to tkae meds and eat a little.   I was hungry, but the thought of eating digusted me.  I also took 2 of the strong pain meds, and watched a show online waiting for them to take effect.

I watched a remake of "Heman and the Masters of the Universe" from 2002.   The animation was much better 3D.   The storylines were much faster, and losts of action.  The swordplay was really professional.   The one on one fight scenes are pretty good.   A little to much sword/astaff spinning to show-off, but I liked that too.   And they still had the corny lines.   When Skeletor causes an avalanche to cover Heman, he siad "Your friend has good highting skills, but he has a rocky finish.  HA hahahahah".

once the meds kicked in, I needed to sleep again - for another 2 hours.   The pain is tolerable now, but still constant.   I am hungry again, but I have an aversion to eating.   Thsi is new.   Its like I am in too much pain to eat, stomach doesn't wanht it.

I had a problem at work yesterday.  All of a sudden, I was not able to run the software development tool at all.   When starting up, it would give an error message telling me to look in th elog, and then shut down.  Something told me too look at my project notes.   it seems this has happened before.   I did not remember it.   But my notes were clear enough that I was able to get back up and running within 30 minutes of the problem happening,

The error was that there were too many errors in a java file.   I am retrofitting my project to use a better database technology.   The old project I worked on used 2 database techniologies., one older (DBA) and one newer (JPA).   Using the newer one would shorten the development time, and make the code easier to manage.   But to do so, I would have to re-write the Session memory management code to be compatible with it.    I was in the midst of this retrofit when the error occurred.  

The software development tool I use (OEPE) takes a long time to inititialize.   But it tells you what it is doing while it is coming up.   One of those task is starting the "class loader".   That is where the error happened.  It doesn't just load the "class loader'.  The class loader then loads all the classes in the workspace, which are created from the java files.   The file with too many errors in it caused a stack overflow (java.lang.StackOverflow).  Java dev tools try to keep the java code always in a runnable state, unlike other languages.   The term StackOverflow was in the log file, and a quick search on the WWW gave me enough info to remember that I might have a not about this, and I did.

I am going to have to once again cut a java file in half, to avoid these size issues.   This is just another evidence that we are building something much larger than Struts, OEPE and even Java was meant to do.

I am not going to say much about this next topic for now.   A woman moved into my office at work, and I really like her.   I am going to ask her out.   She seems interested, even though she is seeing me at my worst.  I am walking like I am 90 years old.   Not very impressive.   She has beautiful hair, loves dogs, and is really smart.   She laughs all day long at work, really enjoys her day.

So Tired

I am trying to keep a positive outlook.

I got the TENS unit in the mail.   Before I even used it, I realized it was only going to help a little.
It only helps in the area where you -put it.   THe biggest problem I have now is my knees and ankles.  I am considering going back to Dr. Graehl and getting cortizone shots in all those places.  Based on prior experience, this will also make me 50 LBS heavier.

I found where I could order fresh ground peanut butter online.   I have also purchsed a kitchen made hand mixer.  The Bowl mixersd are $300.   Dang!   Not paying that much.  

I have experimented pmixing Spirulina with the Peanut Butter until it is not possible to add any more Spirulina and the mixture to remain a paste.   It does not taste as good as previous batches, but it does have more effect.

Overall, I eat less of it.  I get much more Spirulina per spoonful than before, and less PB.  Also, the less attractive taste doesn't trigger any "Ohh, that's good, gimme more" feelings. 

I got more Spirulina from, nuts.com, but this time I got 5 one LB bags.   Easier to manage.  The difference in price was less than a dollar.

I slept most of Saturday.   The only thing I did was mix Spirulina & PB, Shop (which was extremely difficult), and watch a movie online.   I slept 12 hours that night, and then 2 to 3 hours between these 3 activities, and then to bed at 11 AM.   When the alarm rang at 6 AM, there was no way I was getting up.   I need more rest.

I stopped going to get foot massages after they took the spinal cord stiulator out.   I am afraid the massagwe would hurt too much.   My legs and feet look terrible.   My toes look like driftwood again.   The skin on my legs looked like dried parchment.

What a pain!

The office of new Pain Mgmt doctor called, and the soonest I could get in to see him was 4 weeks.  When I heard that, my heart dropped to the floor - didn't even bounce.  4 WEEKS OF THIS PAIN - I can't take that.

I sent an email to my Primary Care Physician, and we looked for other options.   I might be able to get into see someone next Monday.   I am praying hard.

I am geetting a new pain.   It is not really new, I used to get it all the time 30 years ago.  I know it well.   It is a tension headache from typing too much, or sitting erect with tension to leave my arms free to work.   I would get these headaches on the right side of my head that felt like my skull was going to split open.   The strange thing is that these would happen while I was sleeping.  I wouild be woken up around 1 or 2 AM.

I would have to get up and sit in a comfortable position in the dark, and meditate until my neck and shoulders relaxed, and then I would fall back asleep quickly.  It usually took 90 minutes of silent mantra chanting.

Once, in the middle of this meditation, I had a vision.   I was shown a book that was the history of the people of earth.  I only read 4 paragraphs.  Those 4 paragraphs concisely described the entire history of the untied states (even it's future end).  I marveled at how well it was written, how precise the wording was so that it said so much using so little.  And then the vision faded.  I wanted to write down what I had read, but the words were taken from me.   I felt them slipping away.   This is something that I will always remember