Lest we forget how fragile we are

What a horrible night! In a few hours, I will be getting a colonoscopy. I was on a clear liquid diet all Sunday, and fasting since midnight. I am handling the fast fine - it is the restrictions on my medication that are hurting me. Because of the possibility of needing anesthesia during the exam, I was not allowed to take 2 of my night-time medicines: Lyrica for pain and Zolpidem to help me sleep.

My joints hurt all night. I went to bed at 10:00 PM, but did not fall asleep until 3 AM. At 6 Am, Silly woke me up wanting to be petted. She woke me by licking inside my elbow. I was upset with her, and pushed her away. Putty came in multiple times during the night wanting to scratch his nails on the box srings (probably because it is the only cloth ocvered piece of furniture I have, and he is a very nervous cat).

I feel totally drained, and the lack of food is affecting my mood. I was easily able to forgive the cats. I am struggling internally. Old habits are wanting to be depressed, to think that nothing will improve, that no woman will ever love me or want me again because of my health restrictins, etc. new habits ocunter that, pointing to my successes in the past, and my recent successes, which are not trivial.

I can do things that most people can;t do, even now that I am old and when I am not 100% well. After I washed myself up this morning, I looked into my bloodshot eyes in the mirror, and spontaneously thought "I love you". I did it several times, and finished by saying it verbally. I wasn't just saying it, I felt it - I meant it.

Part of me said: it would be so easy now to have them find cancer in my colon and then die. The pain and loneliness would be over. That isn't going to happen.

Through this, I have decided to go to the Temple every week now, on Tuesdays. it is just 20 minutes from my home. Can't do it tomorrow, though. It's my turn to go out with the missionaries. My purpose in going to the Temple is to become passionate, and to know what it is I want - and to truly want what I say I want.

Yesteray, I discovered my poor friend Kofi has no food. He is an old man from Ghana. His hometeacher is unconcerned. He filled out a food order form for Kofi to the Bishop's storehouse 2 weeks ago, but left it to Kofi to go get it. Kofi has no car nor money. His nephew ran away. Everyone is leaving it to me to get info on Kofi. I could not find Kofi at home. He had no power, so I could not call him on the phone. His accent is so strong, I cannot understand what he says. It took me several times to realize Kofi had nothing to eat. I went home and brought him food from my pantry. I will take him tothe Bishop's storehouse Tuesday. The only reason I was able to help Kofi is because he lost his apartment, and was sharing a room with a friend - so he had access to electricity, and could charge up his phone - so I was able to learn his new apartment number.